Before They Were Stiffs

Matt Bruce

Cable TV is very addictive. I had no idea what I was missing when I spent three years in an apartment without a cable hookup. Now, though, I have roommates for whom cable was a must. Thanks to cable TV, I can no longer claim to be "a free-lance writer in my spare time" without giggling about how I really spend my time.

Some of the channels I like are predictable. When I get home from work in the morning, one of the first things I do is usually to watch the Sportscenter replay, though this isn't quite so true in the baseball offseason. If I ever quit my job completely, ESPN Classic would be at least partly to blame.

Comedy Central has the Kids in the Hall and Jimmy Kimmel. If I were at home more often at night, I'd watch a lot of Cinemax, though I'll vehemently deny that I arranged to get Tuesdays off work just to see more West Coast NBA games. Some of my viewing choices are quirky. When I wake up in time, I'll catch back-to-back Twilight Zone episodes on Sci-Fi because Rod Serling had more clever plots than anyone else on TV ever did.

Then there's VH1. I never have a compelling reason to watch VH1 for any length of time, yet it hooks me sometimes and I can't escape a zombie-like trance.

Hang on. There's a baseball connection to all this. See, the method VH1 chooses to cover popular music would be a perfectly viable alternative to the standard cable TV sports coverage. There are already some similarities. For example, Fox overexposes the Yankees and Cowboys at least as egregiously as VH1 overplayed that one Smashmouth video. Beyond that, certain VH1 staples could make life more exciting for baseball junkies with cobwebbed memories.

"Where Are They Now?" is almost too obvious, though there is always the shock value of remembering the baseball equivalent of a one-hit wonder. You may have known that Mark Lemke was trying out his knuckle-ball in the Northern League and probably heard that the Phillies picked up Pete Rose's kid.

Did you know, though, that Alvaro Espinoza just finished his first season managing in the Florida State League? My biggest surprise here was that he isn't even in the Yankee organization -- rather, he led the Vero Beach Dodgers to one of the worst records in the league.

Moving on, since almost all of the marquee players were high draft picks "before they were stars" (Mike Piazza is the exception that proves the rule), I'd like to introduce "Before They Were Stiffs."

Our first segment would be the set of soft-tossing southpaws who will fight for a spot in next year's Cubs' starting rotation. It's September 1997 and the Twins have just called up a hot prospect. Watch as he wins two starts in a row and roto players start to drool over him. Could that really be Dan Serafini?

Now here's a 21-year-old breaking in with the Angels just three months after he graduated from Stanford. Watch him give up a home run to Jose Canseco in his second major-league start. Watch him give up another home run to Canseco. Okay, four runs isn't that bad in the American League of the 1990s. Now if his teammates will just get a hit for him. Too bad it's July 28, 1994, and Kenny Rogers has just thrown his perfect game against the quiche that Cub fans call Andrew Lorraine.

Check out this zany lead singer in home video from a high school talent show. Is that really Ziggy Stardust? Okay, maybe David Bowie didn't really have a younger brother named Micah, but you get the idea by now. Play along at home and send me your best nuggets.

One reason to imagine a VH1 approach to sports is that some teams are already taking a VH1 approach to the music they play at the stadiums. Did we really need to hear "Crazy Train" during rallies at more than half of this year's Major League playoff parks? And while I will readily admit that "Welcome to the Jungle" fits the Yankees' Bronx surroundings, if not the staid tradition of Monument Park and Bob Shepherd, I will also readily admit that I really wish some prankster, just once, would have jumped the CD ahead to "Sweet Child O' Mine."

While on the subject, though, I have to thank the Mariners for giving fans a reason to remember "Sirius" as something other than the music to which the championship Chicago Bulls were introduced. When I think of "Sirius," I think of Griffey stepping up with two men on (so this obviously pre-dates Brian Hunter) and nobody out.

Before RealAudio was universal, I used really faint AM radio signals to follow the 1996 AL West pennant race. Ah, now a flashback is forming. Same situation described above, with the Orioles leading Seattle by a run. Davey Johnson comes out to replace Esteban Yan ("Before They Were Devil Rays"?) with a situational lefty -- and "Sirius" immediately segues into "The Macarena."

Maybe "The Macarena" is one reason why old-school games didn't have jock jams to back them up. You won't hear classic rock during Game 6 of the 1975 World Series, except in the lead-in to recent Red Sox radio broadcasts, where Fisk's home run is matched with "Stairway to Heaven" in a montage of game clips and music clips. The TV broadcast is all business.

Next time you see Dick Stockton and Matt Millen call a football game together, remember that Stockton shared the 1975 World Series TV booth with Joe Garagiola. That's right, Stockton is no spring chicken. Then again, neither are we. This is exactly the most troubling part of the onset of winter and the sad fact that fuels addictions to VH1 and Classic Sports alike.

Brett Saberhagen used to be a 21-year-old World Series legend! The Bangles used to be the hottest women in rock! I have to go now: Someone, somewhere, is showing Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I can ogle characters who are 10 years younger than I am, pretend I'm Lenny Dykstra, and keep telling myself that the sun will be back any day now.

about the author

Matt Bruce became a charter fan of the Vancouver Grizzlies because rooting for Bryant Reeves reflects his Oklahoma State pride. Ask him about favorite recipes and weight-loss plans at mb@strikethree.com.