Mugshots: Don't Call Us...

Dave Paisley

At this time of year, everyone's all agog about who's going to the playoffs, who's going to win the MVP, the Cy Young, and the Rookie of the Year award. Very few people are agog about who's going to be the worst everyday player in the majors, though. As you'll know if you've been reading this column for long, though, here at strikethree, some of us have a fascination with ineptitude. Especially the kind that can be so inept, but still be able to pull down a couple of million bucks a year. Now that takes talent.

When fans look at hitting statistics, they don't always take into account the context. Sometimes they do. National League fans know, of course, that guys who play shortstop generally can't hit as well. All that leaping and diving for balls doesn't leave any room for hitting ability, so they've been happy with Ozzie Smith's light bat and a bevy of pretenders and imitators. Let's just hope they never discover the American League, where shortstops leap tall buildings in one easy stride and regularly challenge for the MVP award.

But there's more to it than just weak hitting shortstops. Every position has its weak spots, and I aim to push, poke and prod to find them. It does help that I have one of the finest examples of ineptitude right here in front of my own eyes every day in Seattle, of course. Yes that's every stinking day. But we'll get to that later.

Here in part one, I want to focus on the outfield and catcher positions. We'll catch up with those pesky infielders later.

Let's start with those guys foolish enough to don the tools of ignorance almost every day.

Head of the pack is 25 year old Eli Marrero of the Cardinals. Now, I can't really razz poor Eli too hard, what with him coming off that bout with cancer last year. Most of those numbers came in the first half, before he lost his starting job, and hopefully, with another off-season, he'll show the form once expected of him. Next on the list is Eddie Perez, another part-timer, but in the reverse situation to Marrero as the season-ending injury to Javy Lopez thrust Perez into the starting job. For a backup catcher, he's doing well enough, but he's no Javy Lopez.

Down in the bottom reaches, there are a few aging backup catchers who finagled starting jobs, but the real "winner" in this category, though, has to be Dan Wilson of the Mariners. A career .700 OPS player, Wilson's best years seem to receding quickly in the rearview mirror. Wilson's throwing arm has declined, too, as he's thrown out a mere 24% of base stealers this year.

An honorable mention in the weak-hitting catcher stakes goes to Todd Hundley, who may be the first of many mistakes the Dodgers made this past year. Who knows how bad those numbers would look without the 24 home runs?

In the outfield, we have a number of suspects lined up for you. Right field is led off by Derek Bell of the Astros, who commentators finally seem to have figured out isn't in the same class as his fellow Killer B's, Bagwell and Biggio. More like the two Killer B's and a Butterfly, really. Right behind Bell we have second base transplant Tony Womack, doing exactly what we expected. It's amazing that Arizona has such a powerhouse offense with the likes of him around. Still, a .700 OPS is pretty good for Tony.

Center field is headed up by Darren Lewis of the Red Sox, carrying on a grand recent tradition of Red Sox outfielders who can't hit. We can't even make the case that he's one of those high on base, low slugging guys. He's joined by some more no-hit center field clones, such as Tom Goodwin, Randy Winn and Brian McRae; many of whom keep bamboozling managers into letting them lead off, even.

Then there's Marquis Grissom, another guy who's never really been that good, but who got a lot more press when he didn't play in Milwaukee. After that we have Devon White, another Dodger mistake, and, after skipping over a few players, overrated rookie of the year candidate Carlos Beltran, whose numbers are actually about average for a center fielder. Don't tell me there aren't better ROY candidates out there.

Finally, in left field, we hit the crown jewel of hitting futility in Brian L. Hunter. Hitherto one of those no-hit center fielders, Hunter has been displaced to left because a certain Ken Griffey Jr. occupies center in Seattle.

While Hunter has never been great, this year is really awful, and it just keeps getting worse. Check out these month by month stats.

Two whole months of marginally better than .400 OPS is so dreadful I can hardly bear to think of it. Those ten walks in August are all that stood between him and a sub-.200 OBP. Throw in the fact that he's been leading off for most of that and you can understand why Seattle's offense suddenly tanked the last two months. In an unmitigated display of stupidity, the Mariners are even making noises about wanting Hunter back next year. When will they ever learn?

So enough of this outfield ineptitude. I know you really want to see if Rey Ordonez is underhitting Brian Hunter - admit it. We'll save that one for next time.

Dave Paisley has always wanted to be a major league hitter. Write encouraging letters to tell him he's only percentage points behind Brian Hunter at drdjp@strikethree.com.

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