Baseballhead:
Wire Fire

Michael Cox

A hearty how-dee from the last regular-season Baseballhead of 1999! We're feeling a tad out of sorts this week, because we've been kept awake by a recurring nightmare: dozens of Stepford college students, unblinking, unmoving, wearing leather coats and singing Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough."

I'd like to start off with congratulations for all you maniacs in Cleveland, Atlanta, Phoenix, Dallas-Fort Worth, and let's face it, Boston and the Bronx too. Y'all get to worry about such trivialities like what bar has the biggest screen for the away games. Condolences for almost everyone else, especially those of you in those cities where you can look forward to several years of suckitude. I've been there.

Our attention now turns to one, or rather, two races rolled into one in the Senior Circuit. As of last night, the Reds continued their amazing September run and took over first place in the NL Central with a win in Houston. Not bad for a team predicted to finish back with the Cards and Pirates, eh? And hanging just a game and a half back are the Mets, who are unfortunately currently in Atlanta, and must now overtake the 'Stros for the wild card. All three teams will have an easy (on paper, anyway) final weekend after their current tough series: Houston at home against the hapless Dodgers, the Mets at Shea vs. the Pirates, and the Reds in Milwaukee.

Looks like the Cincy crew will have to watch their backs in more ways than one...

Item: Speaking of The City that Made Milwaukee Famous, again one of its denizens has provided a fine example of how not to behave at a baseball game. Sprinting over to Astros RF Billy Spiers (ironically, a former Brewer), a drunken moron leapt onto the unsuspecting player's back and tried to play "horsey" (honest to God, that's what the guy claims). Unfortunately the dork forgot that when a plump Milwaukee brat leaps onto a chunk of white bread like Spiers, something's gotta give.

Now, it can be mighty entertaining when the occasional streaker makes his (or her) way onto the field. When someone tries to make a political statement, it's just boring (MLB should keep Cuban umps on hand for such occasions). However, when anyone tries to mess with a player, they're messing with the team, and its fans. It is keeping this in mind that I bestow this column's highest honor on 'Stros hurler Mike Hampton, who risked life and limb to charge out and throttle the bastard.

The worst part of all this is that he was apparently egged on by the fans around him, many of whom offered to pay his fine. I hope they'll offer to serve his jail time as well. Real fans would've tripped the moron up just as he went over the wall, resulting in a sure face plant that would have entertained us all.

And by the way, charges and possible jail time do face Berley W. Visgar of South Beloit, Illinois (no, I don't know if he's in the phone book -- and don't go to his job and see how he likes it when you jump on his back! I warned you! I will not pay your fine!).

Item: The Mariners underwent a changing of the ownership guard this week. However, keep in mind that Howard Lincoln is not a new owner. In fact, most times outgoing chairman John Ellis has made a major announcement, Lincoln has been by his side. In fact, Ellis (now something called "chairman emeritus") will still represent the M's in the ownership inner circle, because he's got the old boys' club experience.

What Lincoln is, is the proxy for majority owner Hiroshi Yamauchi. In a fit of xenophobia, Yamauchi was barred from actually exercising control of the team by MLB when he and others bought the M's in 1992. However, Selig and Co. quietly repealed the ban in 1997, and although Yamauchi has as little desire to run the club as he has to see them play (he has never attended a game, but his wife has once), there's no doubting the significance of Lincoln's ascension. Lincoln has been Yamauchi's right-hand man at Nintendo of America, and no doubt is serving the same function here.

At the same time, Lincoln says the team has made "definitive written offers," whatever that means, to both Ken Griffey Jr. and Alex Rodriguez. Both deals are supposedly the richest in history. Both players responded to the news with the same disdain they always have -- the team apparently still thinks that a big enough contract will make up for the fact that they'll never have a good team around them.

Maybe the two stars have a price at which they're willing to forget about a contending team. If they do, however, the Mariners haven't found it yet.

Item: The umpires' union -- the current umpires' union -- is set to meet on Monday. They will likely talk about the upcoming arbitration, now that both umps and owners have decided on arbitrator Alan Symonette. They will also likely consider strategies to battle the impending decertification vote, and the dissenting umps' desire to form a new union.

What they should be considering is dumping Richie Phillips. They will not, however, because the umps themselves are too old and embittered to realize that Phillips thinks he's running the Teamsters. As I see it, any change in negotiator would help. Heck, hiring Jackie Chiles as negotiator couldn't hurt them any more than they're hurting already ("Of course they call a lot of pitches 'balls.' They gonna call 'em "stuffed bears?" They're all balls!").

Item: The auction of a lifetime is continuing at Sotheby's, and although I still haven't caught word on how much Babe Ruth's underpants have brough, I can tell you that Ty Cobb's false teeth are worth $7,475. After the Southeby's event ends, the smaller-ticket items from the Barry Halper collection will be up for sale at Amazon.com. Why not Ebay? Probably two reasons: 1) The disappointing showing of the high-profile home run balls there last year; and 2) Ebay is probably shuffling executives after it was sold Monday for $1.25...on Ebay.

Item: Cards OF Willie McGee has announced that he will probably retire at the end of the year. He probably should have done this sooner, at about the time people started reacting to his introduction with a surprised "I thought he retired"...

about the author

Michael Cox loves October, because it means he won't have to see the Metrodome on TV anymore. Threaten to wield your Kirby Puckett autographed bat at mc@strikethree.com.