Baseballhead:
Monkeys Revisited

Michael Cox

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(SCENE: A back room at the Cooperstown Co-Z Inn. Major League Baseball's owners are seated around a very long table. Commissioner Bud Selig is sitting on a throne at the table's head.)

SELIG: Settle down, boys. We have important business to do.

JOHN HENRY: That's right. First, we have to open serious dialogue on profit sharing...

(GEORGE STEINBRENNER and PETER ANGELOS burst out into raucous laughter)

TED TURNER: You must be the new guy.

SELIG: No, it's more important than that. Gentlemen -- Marge Schott. All in favor of getting her ass out once and for all?

EVERYONE: Aye!

SELIG: Agreed. Well, it's off to the lounge then.

BOB PICCININI: Hey, hey, hey, hey! We're here to buy the A's!

MILES PRENTICE: Yeah, and we're here to buy the Royals! In fact, you invited us! Looky, I even brought my sack of cash so y'all could see it!

SELIG: Er, ah, well, that's a funny thing you should mention it. Me and my buddy Jerry here were just talking about that -- weren't we, Jerry?

JERRY REINSDORF: Sure, Bud.

SELIG: But we can't do that until we...ah...do some studies!

REINSDORF: Ya, studies.

SELIG: Lotsa studies. Could take months.

REINSDORF: Ya, years even.

SELIG: So, you just toddle right along now, we're busy men.

(AL president GENE BUDIG pokes his head in the door)

BUDIG: Hurry up, guys! Half-price Coors Light at Hooters only lasts another hour!

SELIG: So, if there's not any other business, We'll adjourn. Oh yeah, and don't forget to hire minorities. Several, if possible. To important positions. Now, last one to Hooters buys the hot wings!

(NL president LEN COLEMAN enters.)

COLEMAN: I'm resigning.

SELIG: Why would you want to do that, Len? You're a very valuable executive to us here at MLB, Inc.

COLEMAN: Then how come the 2000 schedule you programmed into my Palm Pilot only includes "sign baseballs," "sit in baseline box seat at Enron Field," and "install MLB Extra Innings at home of contest winner"?

SELIG: There's other stuff too. Er, like throwing out first pitches, and what about all the wacky antics with team mascots?

COLEMAN: I wanted to make a difference, to actually work with people and be more than just a figurehead, a token.

SELIG: Well, if you must quit, at least stay on in a special advisory role.

COLEMAN: You mean like Bob Gibson or Frank Robinson?

SELIG: Yep. You don't have to work a lick.

COLEMAN: Oh, alright.

(BUDIG pokes his head in the door)

BUDIG: Guys! C'mon!

SELIG: Hey Gene! You're fir-- aw, I'll wait a while longer.

about the author

Michael Cox was involved in an accident with an ice cream truck last week, and hasn't been able to get "The Entertainer" out of his head since. Don't bother trying to displace it with a bad ballpark organ version of the "Addams Family" theme at mc@strikethree.com.