One-Night Stand

Matt Bruce

"I went to the game last night and saw some really interesting things." Rob Neyer could start some of his best columns with that stock sentence but since I don't have a daily column, the game I went to was actually a few days ago. It was still a fine game, though, just compelling enough to hold your attention for a thousand words or so.

Mark Portugal and Jay Witasick were both five games under .500 entering the contest, with a combined ERA somewhere around 6.00. Time for a slugfest, right? Instead, Witasick induced a lot of long fly outs and Portugal took a no-hitter into the sixth inning, just long enough for the loudmouth behind me to claim that his female companions had "jinxed it." I hadn't harbored so much anticipation for a pitching performance since the time two years ago that I saw Tom Gordon retire the first 15 men he faced -- or the previous time I saw Gordon retire the first 15.

A friend of mine at work writes the minor-league "daily highlights" column that Baseball America's website runs without a byline (once in a blue moon I get to write it but only when two particular guys both have the night off). Every night in the minors there are at least a half-dozen game-winning hits in the bottom of the ninth (or extra innings). More players than that hit two or more home runs in the same game and starting pitchers record double-digit strikeouts just often enough that writing about them can almost become a bore. The point here is that enough baseball games, like enough monkeys with enough typewriters, can produce the darnedest things. Maybe that makes a no-hitter in the sixth inning less special -- but it's still a big deal at the time.

Before the game, Pedro and Ramon Martinez teamed with a local Hispanic broadcaster to give out awards to Latino middle school students who had kept straight-A averages. Ramon is taller but Pedro has better stage presence, even when he nearly dropped the certificates. The chance to see things like that up close makes me thank heaven for corporate box seats and ignore the fact that Disney stock performance supposedly depends on whether I claim overtime. Oh yeah -- Steve Levy was at the game, in even better seats, and people around us yelled out when they recognized him. If only they knew about the cult figure in their own section! Some day...

Did Butch Huskey not learn to slide while he was in Seattle? Twice this game, and three times in two days, he took very ungainly head-first flops. It's not a good sign for a major league player to realize upon landing that second base is 18 inches to his left. One of his skids scored him on a wild pitch and drew a combination of applause and laughter that I had not heard since the time I went to the game where Mo Vaughn stole home. The resemblance is there, at least. Somebody was talking about Huskey when Rich Garces came on in relief. "No, Huskey is just big. That guy on the mound is fat."

Speaking of Weight Watchers bullpens, early in the game the PA announcer asked for our attention to inform us that the Red Sox had just acquired Rod Beck, using his "this is not a drill" voice. Every day the same PA guy tells us that fans who interfere with play will be ejected and subject to arrest and prosecution, but he still saves a certain throat for record-breakers by Sosa and McGwire, or season-saving Duquette deals.

My seat mate wondered what they were smoking -- referring to the Cubs. I, on the other hand, have lost a quantum of respect for Duquette. Although this may be a foreign concept to folks in Baltimore or in Lou Piniella's domain, nasty relief pitching can actually be had quite cheaply.

Witness the Braves, who can pull a guy like Kerry Ligtenberg or John Rocker out of their back pockets. People who follow the Astros thought that John Hudek was the greatest thing since sliced bread, but some guy named Wagner blew him out of the water. Derrick Lowe converted the lame duck save while Shooter was on his way across country. Lowe will get the call every few months, do his job, then get shunted back to a setup role because people don't think of him as a closer. Beck used to share a bullpen with a guy like that. At least Terry Adams finally has an extended shot.

Bad ballpark versions of certain songs can give those particular songs completely unintended meaning. As any good Sox fan knows, for example, "when you get caught between the moon and New York City, the best that you can do" is hope that the situational lefty doesn't screw things up.

For some reason our organist trotted this one out to begin the sixth, with Portugal still cruising. Then he hit the first man he faced, Chad Kreuter, in retaliation for a pitch that struck Nomar a few innings earlier. Kreuter gave an angry stare but the fight we all wanted would have to be the TV highlights of David Justice. When Portugal plunked Kreuter, the only previous Royal to reach base had done so on a throwing error by third baseman Donnie Sadler. Had Sadler made that play, would Portugal still have thrown at a light-hitting catcher?

Before the Red Sox scheduled Ramon Martinez to pitch on Thursday afternoon, their marketing staff had already designated the game as "Wally the Bean-Bag Baby" giveaway day. Last year I saw Wally the Red Sox mascot make his inauspicious debut on "Kids' Opening Day," two days after the home opener. What matters is that Wally was booed off the field and would not again set foot inside the park that year. We saw him on the field this year, though, hanging out with folks dressed as a giant donut and a cup of coffee. Don't even try to make any sense out of that. Just don't expect Neyer ever to end a column with it.

about the author

Matt Bruce recently discovered that the human foot is to a laptop screen as Albert Belle is to Fernando Vina. Tell him his foot is just misunderstood at mb@strikethree.com.