Baseballhead:
A Dog Day's Night

Michael Cox

Come one, come all to Baseballhead, the column that had seriously considered purchasing a fleece vest until all those commercials came out.

If you're thinking there wasn't much newsworthy about the past week, you're not alone. There's a reason we call these the "dog days," because the only stories you see are dogs like "Rose Bookie Says He's Still a Gomer," and "McGwire Homers Laid End-to-End Would Now Reach Mars."

However, this years dog days are not truly muttworthy, mainly due to the zany hijinks of the umpires, and their designated Scrappy Doo, Richie Phillips. This week the umps made their play to the Labor Relations Board, saying that their resignations were all a joke. In fact, allow me to let the umps' actual legal brief speak for itself:

"It strains credibility to conclude that seven-eighths of the bargaining unit, including many umpires with years left in their careers, actually intended to sever their employment with the leagues...The resignations must be viewed as a symbolic gesture aimed at inducing discussions between the two sides."

I couldn't make up something like that. Well, maybe, but not on a deadline.

Never mind that most of us had been appraised of Phillips' plan to have the resigned umps form their own company, which would contract its services and live in an idyllic Umpireland, free from the shackles of the MLB rule book. It was all a jibe, and it is the mean owners who are to blame for taking it seriously. Not that I'm a fan of the owners, mind you. I just think that in this case, the umps are making the owners look smart, and that takes some doing.

What's really happening here is that Phillips is red-faced with embarrassment that he had no idea MLB was upset enough about the quality of officiating to actually take them up on their ruse. So now Phillips is throwing everything he's got at the wall to try and get his guys back in their jobs. Will it work? There are plenty of dumb folks in the world, and some of them may work for the NLRB, so anything could happen. But just the fact that the resignations were formally tendered must be taken at face value.

However, if the NLRB rules that it was the acceptance of the resignations that was actually the illegal move, this gives losers all over America new hope. "I wasn't actually parking in a handicapped zone, officer -- it must be viewed as a symbolic gesture aimed at inducing discussions about this city's parking problem."

"I wasn't going to shoplift this David Bowie box set you found under my shirt -- it was clearly meant as a starting point for bargaining over its price."

No more will wimpy but smartmouthed morons get beaten senseless by buff apes, because the moron didn't actually insult the ape's mother -- it was meant only to encourage debate about the importance of family! Brilliant.

"At least 10 labor lawyers exhausted hundreds of hours of research in developing this document," Phillips told his minions, and there, my friends, is the starting point for a million "how many labor lawyers would it take..." jokes.

Item: The press can't seem to give even a one-minute respite to the fact that Pete Rose is one of the names on the MasterCard All-Century Team ballot. That it falls exactly ten years after Bart Giamatti's banning of Charley Hustle doesn't help any, but the drumbeat of daily press has been enough to make Kenneth Starr look like a wallflower.

What we know:

• If elected, Rose may attend the World Series game at which the MasterCard All-Century Team is announced.
• MasterCard International, sponsor of the MasterCard All-Century Team, did not twist Bud Selig's arm to do so.
• MasterCard International, sponsor of the MasterCard All-Century Team, has no current plans to "feature" Rose in a commercial.
• Rose's bookie plans to continue doing what put him in jail in the first place, but this time without a famous name to barter for a lighter sentence.
• Rose is still banned from baseball.
• Selig sees his totally ignoring Rose's application for reinstatement as the ultimate rebuke of Rose, which must mean Selig hates Andro and the Royals' potential new owners just as much.

And my guess is it isn't going to stop there. New revelations are rumored to include the following:

• Many of the other potential MasterCard All-Century Team members would have no problem sitting near Rose during the ceremony. Except maybe Johnny Bench.
• Rose is unlikely to sport a new hairstyle for the event.
• Rose's son may not become a Hall of Famer either.

I wait with baited breath. That's what I get for eating bait. Zank you. Zank you. I vill be here all ze veek.

about the author

Michael Cox is unlikely to have his hair cut in the Pete Rose hairstyle out of sympathy. Wonder aloud if this isn't simply because he can't find a large enough bowl at mc@strikethree.com.