Ten Great Things About Boston

Matt Bruce

I realized on my way to work last week that it was too late to file an All-Star dispatch from Boston. The sign in front of Hynes Convention Center, which hosted this year's Fan Fest, now reads "Welcome Leather Exhibition." I didn't get to see whether Rey Ordonez had a vendor booth.

Life moves on in Beantown. Pedro Martinez's arm was hurt. Tom Gordon's elbow is hurt. Nomar Garciaparra's feelings are hurt. Fans fret that the American League wild card berth is about to migrate north.

Even with all the angst, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else on Earth as July turns to August. On a sunny Saturday afternoon, at a burrito place on the edge of Kenmore Square, my mind wanders through ten reasons why Boston is the place to be right now.

1. The Red Sox recently denied Roger Clemens. I didn't go to the game, but I did discover a new regional cable network -- Fox Sports Mariano -- on which the Yankees always lose in their last at-bat. Jose 0-for-5 pulled the splinters out of his backside and pretended it was April again, tripling to lead off the ninth inning. The Fenway P.A. system played "Dirty Water" by the Standells. The home crowd went home happy. The visiting New Yorkers went and took a Duck Tour or something.

2. Even when the Sox sell out, my favorite burrito place still isn't crowded. Folks, if you're coming out of the ballpark, walk past the overpriced pizza and cross the street a couple times. (Cut through the subway tunnel if you're afraid of traffic.) Go to Burrito Max, right next to a certain bagel chain, to get huge, hand-rolled eats. You're in the right place when the strains of the Fenway Park organ give way to thumping punk rock. No, I have no connection to the place other than that they've known me by name way too long. Nothing beats eating at the window table and watching guys in "Boston Sucks" and "1998 World Champion" T-shirts shuffle along forlornly.

3. Currently at the Hynes: the annual convention of the National Association for the Advancement of Fat People. Photo opportunities abound. Meanwhile, the Sox just picked up Butch Huskey. Ryan Klesko, one of my four favorite players, has powered my fantasy team into first place. Calvin Pickering is tearing up the International League and Sean Burroughs, now with the Fort Wayne Wizards, has a 20-something game hitting streak. Bigger is better, thank you, and my new 40"-waist pants fit just fine.

4. Everything in Boston is within walking distance. I can enjoy an amber ale or two before work and let the fresh air bring me back to my senses. Friends and enemies alike are within easy access. "Butch from Cape Cod" may be the bane of talk radio but if he ever crosses the line, I can imagine my alter ego meeting him in a dark alley. Come to think of it, certain Globe sports columnists aren't that hard to reach. Even Tim McCarver, master of the obvious, will be here soon for yet another book signing. Baseball for Brain Surgeons? I've got your brain surgery RIGHT HERE, Tim. Steve Carlton would have wanted it that way.

5. If I did drive, I could get to about 10 different minor league parks in two or three hours. Guys at work still talk about Jin Ho Cho's duel with Octavio Dotel at Pawtucket a few weeks ago. Half the Eastern League is just down I-95. The Vermont Expos are a country excursion away. As a minor league stat geek I have a special affinity for this team, since the Expos managed not to hit a home run in any of their first 20 games last year. Not even one. Right around '98 All-Star Break, the team lead for home runs was a big fat zero.

This year they have sluggers like Matt Cepicky and Valentino Pascucci, guys who've rocked the Northwoods League the past few years. (The Northwoods League is a college summer league whose official scorers have quaint Midwestern accents and atrocious handwriting. My first two summers at Howe Sportsdata, the 'Woods was my sentimental favorite.) In any case, for all their new firepower, this year's Expos are still the worst team in the New York-Penn League.

6. Keith Ginter scored four runs for the Double-A Jackson Generals in a recent 21-2 thumping of Midland. Ginter is a second baseman in the Astros' organization. Taking after major-league counterpart Craig Biggio, Ginter has a career on-base percentage well over .400 in barely a year of professional ball. Look him up if you get a chance. Okay, he has no actual connection to Boston other than the fact that I get paid to keep track of guys like him. Most of my minor-league nuggets are reserved for my real job, but when a thinking fan comes across a hitter like Ginter, the world has to hear about it. By the way, the Midland Rockhounds, formerly the Midland Angels, have a new mascot: Juice the Moose. To quote my boss, "just call me Rockhound of the morning, baby?" Maybe not.

7. People aren't obsessed with football up here. Sure, the sports pages may have dozens of column-inches about defensive backs' contract problems and Pete Carroll's job security, but the Red Sox are still the real news. Sports talk callers are kvetching about Roger Clemens, not Scott Zolak. In a different part of the country, my favorite team just won nine games in a row to stake its claim on the AL West crown, yet the Rangers probably can't buy good coverage. I'm willing to bet that all the fans in Texas talk about is whether some manic depressive will help the Cowboys get back to the Super Bowl.

8. Stathead wisdom comes from unlikely sources. Today's comics section has a strip called "Adam," by Brian Bassett, whose latest plot involves a Little League team. The coach asks, "can anyone give me an example of 'situational' hitting?"

Other kids pipe up: "Bunting to advance the runner?"

"Hit and run!"

"Sacrifice fly."

Then the title character's little boy suggests, "a grand slam in the bottom of the ninth when down by three runs with two outs," and gets a well-deserved high-five. I don't usually clip comic strips but this one is worthy.

9. Co-Eds. In a week from now I'll no longer be a five-minute walk from Fenway Park. The cost of living has forced me out to a quiet grad student slum called Somerville. Then again, my new digs will be a block away from Tufts University. Life is beautiful.

10. Perverts. The top headline of a recent sports section, "Sox get a spanking," runs over a picture of Mark Portugal on his hands and knees. Boston is the cultural center for East Coast computer nerds. Depending on what other web sites you frequent, you may have noticed that the computer nerds find some especially interesting ways to have a good time. So if things don't pan out with the co-eds, I may just have to check out that "leather exhibition" after all. Wish me luck.

Matt Bruce is not a lifelong Bostonian, which explains his confusion each winter regarding the heated local discussion of the "broons."