All-Star Angst

Derek Zumsteg

I'm tired of hearing the All-Star lineups announced every year and discovering that you, the masses, have selected a bunch of lame-ass has-beens, RBI vultures, and flotsam. What are you morons thinking?

And then, as if the stupidity of the fans wasn't enough, we have to tolerate Joe Torre or the rotating lucky-manager-of-a-high-payroll-franchise picking a team of backups, most of whom are no more qualified to pick splinters out of their butt in AAA than take the field for the All Stars. Ron Coomer? Omar Vizquel? Is this some kind of syphilitic dementia Torre picked up in the hospital?

And then we have to endure the worthless carping of the hounds of the press, ever eager to tout their boys, put out their annual "my ballot" column, declare themselves better than everybody else, and then harass neglected players for their thoughts on not being selected.

This appalling blend of democracy, incompetent dictatorship, and a free and unreasonable press has to be stamped out. I declare that the 2000 All-Star Game, and every one thereafter, should be played by lineups picked entirely by a computer. My computer. And it should be allowed broad legal recourse to silence its critics.

You want to stuff the ballot box? Too freaking bad. You want to see all-RBI clubhouse leaders? Go watch an Orioles game. You want to see every team represented? You want "It's a Small World," o'er in Disneyland.

Oh sure, you say, that takes all the fun out of it. But is there any fun in the game today? Can there be any fun in a game where Craig Biggio gets a day off while Jeff Kent plays second and Brian Jordan lopes around the outfield?

No, democracy spoke, and it said "we're too busy watching the mesmerizing scoreboard patterns." The media had its say, it it was stupider, and then the managers took those for starting points. It's time for technocracy.

you want the best possible game, or not? If you want perfect lineups filled with the best players, as many of you seem to, and you don't trust yourself to pick them (as many of you don't -- a whopping 50% of people in an ESPN poll said fans shouldn't be able to vote, a result more suited to Singapore or Cambodia than the world's most successful democracy), then the only logical remaining choice is to put the contest in the hands of the truly impartial and emotionless.

And what if this is a stupid idea? Is it any stupider than letting anyone vote as many times as they want? Or letting the managers, who year after year seem to pick the most screwed-up reserves possible, paying off long-forgotten debts and sticking it to the guy who killed a rally last month? Imagine Denver's resident idiot columnist Bob Kravitz with his hand on the big selection ballot. A computer is the only answer, and hey -- why not mine? It's as likely to be impartial as anyone else's.

about the author

Derek Zumsteg's computer also demands more RAM, salty snacks, and a subscription to Details. Please, no Back Orifice jokes at dmz@strikethree.com.