Baseballhead:
The Poorest Little Rich Teams

Michael Cox

Again with the Baseballhead, the column that would be most grateful if a certain Scottish character from Austin Powers 2 would not keep taking his shirt off at Royals games, or at least not where a TV camera can capture it.

Before we begin, a hearty "get well soon" to Astros manager Larry Dierker, who underwent successful surgery yesterday, and if all goes well, he should be back shortly after the All-Star break. By all accounts, he's a great guy, and by my account, he's a damn good manager. Rest well, Larry.

Now to the business at hand:

Item: It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times...

The wagons have been circled in Balto and Flushing for quite a while, with both the Mets and O's flailing about like freshly-caught trout under the magnifying glass, itself wrought by the teams' owners' blind ambition.

At Camden Yards, the Birds have been performing even worse than expected, and many expected pretty bad performance. In fact, even Peter "I Want Wins NOW" Angelos has apparently read the writing on the wall, talking recently about jettisoning some of their payload (so to speak) for some of the "young and exciting players in the minor league system," and -- get this -- planning to maybe contend for the wild card next year.

Gee, d'ya think?

And with bad play comes bad blood in the clubhouse (not the other way around), or more precisely, in the dugout. Albert Belle's could not have performed more stereotypically than he did last week, combining his requisite lack of hustle and disdain for the game he (usually) plays so well with his anger management issues, resulting in a blowup directed at manager-for-now Ray Miller. Miller had spoken to Belle after the big guy failed to run out a ground ball, likely suggesting that if Belle perhaps trot a tad faster, he might make it to the bag on the off chance that there's an error or something.

His honor thus questioned, Belle blew, and Miller gave as good as he got. The close-mouthed refusal to deal with the matter publicly, followed by the utterly transparent "he just got a day off" benching of Belle, turned the whole debacle into low comedy.

Not that I don't find much humor in Belle this year anyway. Fresh from his White Sox escape clause that allowed him to find an even more astronomical amount of cash, expectations were high. However, I seem to be the only person who has consistently pointed out Belle's inability to take pressure. The double whammy of his humongo-deal and the expectations for the team have seemed to bring Belle to his knees, his .803 OPS closer to that of a decent shortstop than a $12M slugger (no thanks to Mike Bordick, whose hitting still makes Belle look good).

A five-game winning streak, and slightly better hitting from Belle, may mean the O's are turning it around, but they've got a long way to go. But look on the bright side, you won't have to put up with the more rabid statheads shouting about how Belle will get cheated out of the MVP again...

Item: Of course, the O's problems are nothing compared to that of the Mets, who have the additional disadvantage of having even more media in their backyard, including Newsday reporter Marty Noble, who took loud offense at manager Bobby Valentine, who had wondered aloud how Noble can cover the team without speaking to its manager, although the fact that we're talking about the New York media should have amounted to a reasonable answer.

Of course, Valentine spoke the truth, which seems to anger bad reporters no end, and Noble began screaming at Valentine during a press conference. Valentine shot back, and apparently neither wanted to let the other have the last word, which ceased being entertaining about two full minutes in.

But reporters are reporters, and Valentine has had his hands full with ill-advised off-season acquisition Bobby Bonilla, whose sub-Mendoza numbers make Belle look like he should win MVP. Once again, a player whose performance is not consistent with his salary seems to have an irrational need to direct his anger at his team, and in particular, his manager, loudly refusing to pinch-hit last Tuesday. Of course it didn't help that the gallant media corps (see above) earlier brought to Bobby Bo's attention the rumor that the team had placed him on waivers, and added insult to injury by mentioning that there were no takers. Well, duh.

Even the team's ownership got in the spirit of things, firing key coaching staff during the absolute worst moment possible (during their series with the Yanks). So could you blame Valentine for wanting to add a little levity to the proceedings?

Wearing a fake mustache and glasses, Valentine reappeared in the Mets dugout after being tossed by the plate umpire, becoming the butt of SportsCenter jokes and drawing the ire of AL prez Len Coleman. Although Coleman did what he had to do, suspending Valentine for two games, my hat is off to the Mets chief-for-now for a damned funny stunt.

Gee, I don't even have time to deal with the Dodgers this week, suffice to say that FOX broadcast team Bob Brenly and Thom Brennaman's three-hour excusefest as their team fell to the A's on Saturday should be replayed in prime time, it was so unintentionally humorous.

Item: I was wondering how long it would be before one of the 1998 co-award winners for worst sportswriter made himself heard, and it finally happened last week when Denver Post columnist Mark Kiszla apparently decided his infamy over reaching into Dante Bichette's locker to grab a vial of Andro had fully subsided. (Don't confuse Kiszla with Rocky Mountain News hack Bob Kravitz, who called Griffey a "punk" and a "jerk" last year after Griffey almost didn't enter the All-Star Home Run Derby due to travel problems and the recent death of his grandmother.)

The night before, Rockies manager Jim Leyland had decided to use a tool that has so far been ineffective against Mark McGwire -- the four-man outfield -- against Ken Griffey Jr. Afterwards, Kiszla pestered Junior about how "effective" the shift was (it wasn't -- he struck out), to which Griffey replied, rightly, "I don't give a shit what they do against me."

If I was Griffey, facing idiotic continued prodding by one of the two crappiest sportswriters in the country, who once claimed that the Kingdome's air conditioning blows all those home runs over the fence and whose own colleagues don't seem to like him, I'd have said the same thing.

However, it was the kind of thing the Denver writers base entire stories on, and Kiszla gleefully returned to his room of monkeys and instructed them to write a batch of drivel peppered with incendiary nuggets like, "He cursed Colorado...Maybe Griffey harbors a grudge for being coerced into participating in the 1998 home-run contest at the All Star Game by the boos of fans in Denver...Could it be the most famous smile in the game is plastic?" He concluded with "Don't go away mad. Just go away."

All wrong, of course, but history has shown us that Kiszla lacks the basic ability to ascertain right from wrong. The next day, Griffey told the more reasonable media members that he honestly, really doesn't care where people play, and that yes, he was perturbed, but that the shift was the least of his worries, which weren't baseball-related.

He then proceeded to hit a towering homer in last Wednesday's game, giving the lie to one more Kiszla claim: that he never homered in a game at Coors Field.

Don't go away mad, Mark, Just go away. And take Bob with you.

Item: Strawberry's suspension, due in "a few days" about a week ago, has still not been announced. However, the rumor that he'll get a 90-day suspension from MLB sounds about right, under the precedent set by the likes of Steve Howe. Anyone who thought Straw'll get any more raise your hands...no, c'mon, really. Raise your hands.

Oh.

Look on the bright side -- at least he isn't Lattrell Spreewell.

about the author

Michael Cox has withdrawn his open challenge to an Ultimate Fighting match with Mark Kiszla because he realized he can't be sure Kiszla won't cheat. Maybe Bob Kravitz will take him up on it at mc@strikethree.com.