Beaned by Reality

Derek Zumsteg

I've read and heard all kinds of hand-wringing baseball analysis this week regarding what's to be done about head-hunting. All kinds of radical solutions are now being proposed in Week Two of Media Frenzy Three of the season, including fining people who charge from the dugout and having the team mascot mediate for both sides. The problem is more complicated than is given credit, and the solution much simpler than proposed.

I don't believe there are any beanball wars going on in baseball. I think all of this is silly. If you're a player, and you get plunked, take your base. It doesn't do anyone any good for you to get ejected. If the pitcher's really after you, he'll get tossed from the game without you (um, unless you've got a crappy ump, see below). I can't deny that there are cases where pitchers are hitting players intentionally, but in most cases it's in retaliation for having one of their players hit previously.

If everyone would conduct themselves rationally, take their lumps like men and remain in the game to take their revenge the better way, this whole war thing would disappear. I've found that largely it's the scrubs like Benito Santiago who are prone to charging the pitcher, while the Alex Rodriguezes take their bases and then hit 3-run homers in their next plate appearance. If you want to pick a fight, do it on your own time.

The bigger problem is that crappy umps aren't doing their jobs, warning both teams early, keeping things level instead of allowing it to escalate, and they're not enforcing rules that would control this issue.

Pitchers are being squeezed. If you've watched a lot of games, you've seen this. It makes me feel uncomfortable to see it. There are some umps who are giving the new high strike, but there are others who aren't, and as a result pitchers now have a much smaller space to serve the ball up in, and that sucks. I don't blame pitchers if they're getting frustrated and trying to brush back players who stand on the plate. This doesn't work, however, because the rules aren't being enforced. To wit:

Rule 6.08 (b) -- The batter becomes a runner when...he is touched by a pitched ball which he is not attempting to hit unless (1) The ball is in the strike zone when it touches the batter, or (2) The batter makes no attempt to avoid being touched by the ball; If the ball is in the strike zone when it touches the batter, it shall be called a strike, whether or not the batter tries to avoid the ball. If the ball is outside the strike zone when it touches the batter, it shall be called a ball if he makes no attempt to avoid being touched.

Mo Vaughn can't lunge at a pitch in the strike zone, get hit, and take a base. But he does.

Jose Canseco can't lean into inside balls and then wince as his attempt to avoid it, and take a base. But he does.

Enforcing these rules would have two effects: first, if you can pitch inside strikes and get them called inside strikes even if the batter sticks his elbow into it, that's a legal part of the strike zone a pitcher can have back. I'm sure bean-me artists like Chuck Knoblauch would howl and scream at that one, but it's in the rule book. If you don't want to play with the rules, I hear they play a lovely game of Calvinball in the Midwest.

Second, forcing batters to actually try and avoid pitches instead of just playing at avoiding pitches to get their base would cause a dramatic drop in the number of hit batters. Batters once used to actually get out of the batter's box! And dodge! It's true! But because umps don't want to get involved in 'did he try?' judgment calls (which is understandable, since they're so bad at judgment calls) it's another unenforced rule. I want to see Burnitz hit by a missed curve and then have that pitch called a ball as he starts to trot to first.

There is blame to be laid on players, allowing themselves to get wrapped up in media-generated beanball wars, charging the mound, retaliating, but for the most part, players conduct themselves well. They can be better, but I think clearly the majority of the blame must be laid on the poor job the umpires are doing.

And since I always like to end on a positive note*, I'd like to propose my solution: invade Cuba! Go get those Cuban umps! Then, once they're all safe and have replaced umps like Brinkman**, install democracy or something. Those umps were awesome. Good calls, quick, decisive -- and you can bet your ass they'd stop those mound-chargers...the hard way.

"Ow! Right in the gazinktazoink! That's gotta hurt! Sheffield's saying something to Martinez and he's -- no he's not! The ump got him! I can't watch! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! And now Sheffield's ejected, and the crowd goes wild! That was beautiful!"

It'd certainly bring a smile to my face.

* -- since, uh, last week

** -- who could take anger-management lessons from Albert Belle, who seems an angel compared to Brinkman's legacy of bringing disgrace to his profession

about the author

Derek Zumsteg does not appreciate jokes, jibes or jests about Will Clark's 1999 physique. Mocking Charles Johnson is fine, however, at dmz@strikethree.com.