Baseballhead:
Oh, Grow Up

Michael Cox

It's that time again, so get your protective headgear on and prepare to be led through the cultural minefield that is Baseballhead, where we have no MP3s or "Star Wars: Episode One" trailers, but aren't you secretly glad for that?

First, a heads-up alert for the folks in Phoenix and SoCal -- I'll be out your way in a couple of weeks, checking out the BOB on May 11-12 when the Expos are in town, and watching the Angels take on The Mighty Canseco on the 15th and maybe the 16th. Gimme an e-shout if you'll be there -- I may have a promotional trinket or two to spare.

Anyway, on to the word of the week: protests!

Item: Just in after last week's deadline was the usual protest of the Indians' home opener by a handful of Native Americans. Fresh from a court victory allowing them to burn stuff (in this case, an effigy of Wahoo) in the midst of a crowd, and with lawyer in tow, they set about the business of burning another Wahoo.

This time, the Cleveland logo was in a coffin, supposedly to represent the legal decision not to allow the Washington Redskins trademark protection for their nickname (although how this would affect The Indians or Wahoo is anyone's guess). In effect, the story became less about the Indians' right to their name or logo as it was about the protesters' right to make fire. A stupid move, for sure.

Now don't get me wrong, I really think it's time for Wahoo to be put to pasture. He's an anachronism, a reminder of a day when nobody thought such caricatures were offensive. Much as anyone says it's irrelevant, the Notre Dame leprechaun was created in the same spirit. It's just that now that spirit has changed for the grinning chief.

Dick Jacobs is a stubborn man, and he has played the allegiance of the people of Cleveland like a harp from hell with his dogged refusal to jettison Wahoo. In short, he's just being a child about the whole thing (although when you look at all the crappy new logos out there, he may have a small point).

However, these specific protesters are being very disingenuous in emphasizing their right to free speech while seeking to limit Jacobs'. They're instead coming off as petulant children just like their adversary, and although I guess you get more accomplished by being a butthead than by being polite and respectful, I can't say I have a lot of respect for either side in this issue. In short, it appears the demonstrators are hoping to annoy us until Wahoo goes away, and I for one think neither can come too soon.

Item: A more reasonable demonstration will occur Friday at Kauffman Stadium, when a local sports radio station will orchestrate a fan protest geared towards the lack of profit-sharing in MLB. Of course, this will affect the balance of financial wealth about as much as my refusing to buy a Lemon Chill at the game on Friday, but it's the thought that counts, even if there's a cheap-publicity subtext.

And looking at the details, it's plain that the orchestraters of the protest took care of the details:

• The biggest problem they face was getting enough fans to walk out. If they had drawn from the normal KC fan base already in attendance, it's likely that it would simply look like a few guys going for hot dogs. The solution: bring your own gang of fans by giving free t-shirts for anyone promising to go to the game. We know firsthand how much people love free t-shirts.
• The walkout occurs after the third inning, which beats those fan protests where the "fans" don't even bother attending the game. This is especially true when you're protesting financial inequity -- not attending to begin with would have hurt the Royals more than the visiting Yankees.

Still, a couple of points spring to mind. First, everyone is supposed to turn their backs when the Yankees are at bat. They're supposed to be sitting in the left-field bleachers. I hope someone alerts them when a Chili Davis spanker comes their way.

Second, if they really want attention, get those shirtless fat guys to protest too. Sportscenter loves shirtless fat guys.

Item: The ex-County Stadium groundskeeper who kept Henry Aaron's 755th finally parted with the venerable orb last week. Richard Arndt settled for a payday of $650K, a good deal less than the $800K bid he turned down in January at the same auction which fetched $3M for McGwire's 70th 1998 dinger. But don't cry for Arndt -- there's a small amount of justice there.

You may or may not agree with him for keeping the ball rather than giving it back to Aaron (he refused to give the ball back if he couldn't present it himself, which seems fair enough), but his later subterfuge in having Aaron sign the ball at a card show without revealing its significance crosses the line for me.

Guessing that Arndt's original secret minimum bid was a cool $1M, he has settled for roughly half that amount, after Aaron's Chasing the Dream Foundation takes a cut. That's enough karmic payback for me.

Item: MLB directives are flying like snow these days, with two biggies revealed to enquiring minds this week. The first is a demand from Bud Selig himself that he be appraised of any and all top front-office hirings, including the instruction that there will be minorities on the short list for each opening, or there will be penalties.

That's befuddling: Is Bud really thinking that he can control teams' front offices (without a litigious owner barring him from any imagined punishments)? Or could it be that old MLB ownership window-dressing at work? Is it possible that the document was intended to be leaked, in order to convince skeptics that there is an act being cleaned up by "Sensitive" Selig? My money's on that one there.

Then it was revealed that the head office wants teams to chart pitches, compiling information on the umps' application of the strike zone. Needless to say, umpires' union boss Richie Phillips was livid (I think the man wakes up livid). Cry a river, Rich. If your boys weren't calling strikes six inches outside, this wouldn't be necessary.

The only problem with that one is that it calls for a "top-ranking front-office official" to do the charting. Unfortunately, during a game most "top-ranking front-office officials" have other things to do, like make long distance calls from the ballpark phones and eat free hot dogs, so I don't know that there's anything to worry about yet.

Item: And finally, Hideo Nomo has been jettisoned from yet another major market after the Cubs felt his pitching was not sharp enough to bring him up from the minors quite yet. Considering the Cubs' major pitching woes, that was a big vote of no confidence in the Tornado's skills. Is he now going to work his way down the scale? Should we expect him to surface in Boston? Cleveland? Atlanta? Nope, but if I were an Orioles fan I'd be considering a move out of town.

Michael Cox would love to chart umpires' strike zones as an impartial third party. Tell him that "impartial" generally means "unpaid" to baseball owners at mc@strikethree.com.

about the author

Michael Cox has played baseball, if by "to play" you mean "to drink deep the aura." Call him a wuss at mc@strikethree.com.