Baseballhead:
Homer Simpson in Pinstripes

Michael Cox

Welcome to the Texas Death Match edition of Baseballhead, the column that doesn't know what's worse -- Pepsi's insistence that America really loves that little girl, or Burger King's ongoing attempt to use every song ever recorded in a commercial. (Of course, you realize that in one paragraph I've probably ruined any chance we may have had at getting PepsiCo as an advertiser. Next week: I rag on Year 3 of the Taco Bell chihuahua.

Lotsa jawin' and fightin' going on this past weekend, but first --

Item: Darryl Strawberry, known to millions of Yankee fans as the guy with a heart of gold who is battling back from his affliction like a true fighter, showed this week that he's still known to the cops as a "perp with priors."

Exactly what he was thinking when he stuck that cocaine-filled twenty in his wallet, and what was going through his head when he propositioned that cop we may never know, but if he's guilty, claiming he's innocent is only compounding the problem. In short, if there was ever a limit to "second chances," Straw will have found it.

My belief? It is possible that he was thinking, "Ooo -- twenty bucks!" as he found that folded bill in the glove compartment of his car. It could very well be that he wanted to mess with that woman he thought was a hooker, and agreed to meet her for sex just to have a laugh as she waited for a john who never showed up. In fact, it's highly likely that the Yankees really renegotiated Darryl's deal in order to compensate him for his services with a yummy donut.

Item: Giants 3B Charlie Hayes didn't like D-Backs P Todd Stottlemyre's mouth this weekend, so he charged the mound from second base, looking foolish as he missed with his only swing. Of course, that wasn't half as bad as Stottlemyre has generally made Hayes look at the plate, which is the real problem.

Talking a good game has been a part of baseball...well, practically since there's been baseball. If anything, players now chatter less than previous generations. Remember the scene in Mr. Baseball: "Got any naked pictures of your wife?"

"No."

"Wanna buy some?"

You see, a good player gets even with his play. Willie Mays made a lot of pitchers pay for knocking him down (which, in reality, was why some preferred to just knock him down). Others make a point of stealing a base or running just that much harder on the basepaths. To be fair, maybe Stottlemyre shouldn't have rubbed in his dominance over Hayes quite so loud, but by all accounts Hayes gave as good as he got -- vocally, that is.

My favorite comment after the fact was Hayes' jibe, "He talks like he's Bob Gibson." Well, as far as Hayes is concerned, Stottlemyre might as well be Bob Gibson.

Item: The Angels and Mariners traded a few hit batsmen last weekend, but even though it eventually led to a brawl, it was pretty unremarkable: No balls were thrown at heads, and the "brawl" was your basic grab-a-partner mosh pit (except for the anonymous Angel [sic] who kicked M's 1B David Segui in the face). Still, there are a couple of things we can take away from the experience:

- Being hit by a Steve Sparks or Jamie Moyer fastball shouldn't be considered a problem, but rather, massage.

- Putting screened barriers in front of the dugouts is certainly an impediment to a bench-clearing brawl.

Item: Speaking of the series in Anaheim, Lou Piniella (who you'd think has heard plenty of heckling in his time) was incensed enough at a loudmouth fan to come out of the dugout Friday night, at which point the Disney "no security here! Just us grounds crew!" security were on Sweet Lou like he was about to fire a crossbow at Liz Taylor. Such, er, zeal for their jobs. Where were they when Chili Davis was accosting the fans?

Personally, I think the fan was actually a Mariner fan who threatened to make Lou a batting-doughnut necklace the next time he makes Freddy Garcia throw 120 pitches.

Item: The Yankees were swept in a Detroit over the weekend. Somewhere, George Steinbrenner's dialing finger twitched ever-so-slightly.

Item: The Traveling Wilburys of baseball fell victim to injuries to both Cal Ripken Jr. and Will Clark this week, the former historic but the latter most unfortunate because Clark was the team's top hitter in the early going. The injuries will most certainly be used as the excuse for the O's also-ran-ness this year, while the real cause is a suspected head injury in the front office.

But take heart, Oriole fans, as long as the team remains in the tank, Albert Belle will flourish, as he has done so far with an OPS only surpassed on the team by Clark. Who knows -- with a little luck and injuries to Mike Mussina and B.J. Surhoff, Belle could break the home run and doubles records this year.

about the author

Michael Cox wonders whether, with Marge Schott out of the picture, there's anyone left in MLB ownership with a low enough IQ that Bud Selig can pick on them. Suggest he switch to general managers at mc@strikethree.com.