Baseballhead:
Bend Knees When Lifting Ticket

Michael Cox

Welcome once again to Baseballhead, the column that's seriously rethinking its support of George Brett and Robin Yount as Hall of Famers after discovering they drink Miller Lite.

There's important stuff to talk about, but first, I got my season tickets in the mail yesterday.

In case you didn't know, the Strikethree.com Towers are located in Seattle, where we're fortunate/unfortunate enough to have the Mariners in town. I've been a season ticket holder (or part thereof) for several years, and getting the season's new ducats in the mail is like seeing the swallows return to Capistrano -- a tangible sign of spring.

This year the M's are not only moving into a new park, they're doing it mid-season, so the tickets have two formats: "Kingdome Memories," and "Wow! Look! It's a new ballpark!" The 79 regular tickets are broken up by two monolithic humongo-tickets for the last KingDome game and the first game at Safeco Field. These 5"x12" behemoths may set a record for largest ticket ever in MLB. If the trend continues, fans in S.F. and Milwaukee may be looking forward to receiving a set of posters to use as admission in their parks next year.

Along with the tickets came the official Safeco Field fan directory, and I noticed several things that were not in previous Kingdome fan guides:

- First, there are the new specialty food stand names. "Ribbies BBQ," "Panini Deli" -- OK; "Moose's Munchies," "Caliente Corner" -- ehhh, whatever.

But "Intentional Wok"? "Hall of Flame"?

- The pricey club seat level is sponsored by Lucent. I'm currently looking for a sponsor for my seats -- perhaps the "99-Cent-Store Front Row of Upper-Deck Section 326"?

- Any fruit brought into the Safe must be quartered, so it can't "inadvertently" be flung at Woody Woodward. I do, however, think it's possible to make an apple slice sharp and aerodynamic, and I have Hayes Bowman working on it as we speak.

- If you find your seats are too close to the field, and therefore run a risk of bats or liners heading your way, the M's are only too happy to swap them for upper deck tickets.

- Guests wearing "obscene or indecent" clothing will be denied entry. If this means no shirtless fat guys, I'm all for it, but I hope they know that this will do away with a staple of blooper reels everywhere.

- Laser pointers are verboten. Damn. I was hoping to cash in on the hot new wacky fad that's sweeping America.

- No weapons either. Furthermore, "the presenter of a game ticket consents to a reasonable search for weapons before entering." What, they gonna pat down the fans? Remember, when they outlaw guns, only ushers will have guns.

Okay, okay, on to the other stuff:

Item: What a difference a week makes. About seven days ago at this time, everyone was running feature stories on how umps were calling the new, higher strike as mandated by MLB HQ. Pitchers were pleased as punch, hitters were saying they'd have to get used to it but heck, as long as it's consistent, and the umps themselves were muttering, "it's my job, I guess."

Now the worm has turned, and as represented by union boss Richie Phillips, the umps are trying to put a legal kibosh on the directive. And as slick as Phillips thinks he's being with his grievance, it's a stupid thing to do.

All the righteous indignance at the strike-zone edict, and Phillips' explanation of his reasoning for the grievance, was that the zone MLB wants called is actually lower than the rulebook's zone. Phillips says that violates the agreement between the owners and umpires, and he's probably right.

However, in calling attention to the fact that umps must enforce the letter of the rulebook or be in violation, Phillips is leaving Bud Selig the perfect opportunity to make a legal argument that the agreement has already been violated, and unlike Phillips, Selig has miles and miles of videotape footage to prove his point. The umpires' union can make all the feeble assertions they want in the press, but if it comes down to being forced to prove to a judge that they're calling the rules by the book, they don't have a leg to stand on.

Item: Umps also filed a grievance regarding the Orioles' trip to Cuba, likely in a misguided attempt at getting more money. MLB's response? "Forget 'em." (That was a paraphrase, by the way.) Of course, it sounds like (although with Phillips, you never know) MLB didn't ask the umps to come in the first place, they just assumed one or two would like to make the trip.

Item: Cubs phenom Kerry Wood is out for the year, requiring "Tommy John" surgery to repair a completely torn elbow ligament. Now will major-league managers realize they can't get away with overpitching youngsters?

Guess not, because the team is putting all the blame on Wood's pitching motion as the cause of his problems. I guess if I were staring at a possible lawsuit for a lost career due to a manager who made a kid throw way too many innings, I 'd try to find another cause, too. The amazing thing is that the press at large has not even picked up on the fact that Wood was overused.

That's a shame, because although we may never know whether misuse was a main cause of the injury, holding Jim Riggleman's (and Jim Leyland's, among others) feet to the fire would possibly help to keep other young pitchers' careers from being jeopardized.

Item: Jose "Don't Call Me 'Ozzie'" Guillen finally made it to camp this week, after visa problems that immigration officials say were caused by a poorly-filed marriage license. Of course, the officials used the iffy license as an excuse to bar Guillen himself, which is par for the course in the "we're all full up with immigrants now" school of government thought. Asking that the license be filed again properly would be too logical.

Of course, thanks to the pull of a wealthy American employer with Senate "connections," none of this matters. Now all Guillen has to do is apologize to his team for blaming them for his predicament. Maybe if he buys 'em a Miller Lite...

about the author

Michael Cox wonders why Guinness doesn't use major-league ballplayers in its ads. Explain that there's an anti-good-beer clause in their contracts at mc@strikethree.com.