Keep on Hacking

Jason Michael Barker

Ever wonder what it would be like to pick a really horrible fantasy league team? Now you can, thanks to Hacking Mass. Back for its sixth season, Hacking Mass allows you to pick the worst team you can think of, and then watch your scrubs compete against other equally bad teams. Trust me -- it's tougher than you might think.

You pick a player at each of five positions: catcher, first base, third base, middle infield (2B/SS) and outfield. But here's the catch -- not only must your player suck, he must suck in as many plate appearances possible. The formula used to compute Hacking Mass points, or ESPN (Exuded Stiff Points, Net) is (.800 - OPS) * PA. It doesn't do any good if one of your players hits .200/.300 if he only gets 20 plate appearances, in other words.

Sponsored in part by Baseball Prospectus, Hacking Mass offers prizes for the best (worst?) team, in addition to other categories. Last season Baseball Prospectus awarded a copy of their book (or a BP T-Shirt) to the team with the best name, and the best team without Rey Ordonez.

Although I've known about Hacking Mass for a couple of seasons, I decided last weekend to try my hand at it for the first time. My squad for the upcoming season, known as Herk's Horrendous Homeboys (named for Kansas City General Manager Herk Robinson) is as follows:

Catcher: Carlos Hernandez, San Diego
Last season: .305/.369 in 417 PA
I chose Hernandez for several reasons. First off, he's 32 and coming off of a "career" season, so he's a good bet to decline. Second, the he just signed a multi-year deal with the Padres in the off-season, so there will be great incentive to play him as much as possible. He doesn't really have any competition at the position -- Jim Leyritz isn't able to catch much these days, and prospect Ben Davis will probably spend much of the year at AAA.

First base: Jeff King, Kansas City
Last season: .319/.451 in 540 PA
First is a tough position to pick, since most of them can hit at least a little bit. King wasn't exactly horrible last season, but he's going on 35 and is on the decline. His walk rate fell dramatically last season, always a good sign of a player on the way down, and his power seems to be reverting to pre-1996 form. He seems to stay pretty healthy, and is a good bet for 500 to 600 plate appearances this season. He's also the team captain, since he plays on Herk Robinson's team in real life.

Third base: Matt Williams, Arizona
Last season: .327/.439 in 557 PA
Williams has never been the greatest at getting on base, but his .439 slugging percentage last season was his worst since 1992, and since 1995 he's lost an average of 72 points of slugging each season. He's also going on 34, which certainly has something to do with it. If he stays healthy yet continues to decline as I expect him to, he could very easily be my Hacking Mass MVP. It isn't reasonable to expect him to lose another 72 points of SLG, but a .300/.420 season isn't out of the question.

Middle infield: Jeff Blauser, Chicago Cubs
Last season: .340/.299 in 435 PA
My only concern is that he won't see much time, but nevertheless, it's difficult to pass on that .299 SLG. Blauser signed a two-year deal with the Cubs following a career year with the Braves in 1997, then promptly fell flat on his face. He did manage to draw 60 walks, which were largely responsible for his respectable OBP, but even then it was only the third time he's managed to draw 60 in a season. Like almost all the players on my squad, he's on the wrong side of 30 (Blauser turned 34 in November) and should continue his decline next season.

Outfield: Brian Hunter, Detroit
Last season: .289/.333 in 636 PA
The great part is that Hunter bats leadoff, so he racks up a ton of plate appearances. He's also simply horrible at getting on base, and he had only 36 extra-base hits all of last season. The Tigers seem to like his "speed" and "defense" in the starting lineup, forgetting that "getting on base" is the single most important facet of the game. The youngest member of my team of the terrible, Hunter may improve slightly but will still contribute a great deal thanks to all those plate appearances.

So there you have it: Herk's Horrible Homeboys. I invite you to try your hand at Hacking Mass, the ultimate in anti-fantasy baseball. The official Hacking Mass homepage is located at http://www.akula.com/~lshark/hm/. Scroll down, click on "Entry Form" and away you go!

Happy Hacking, and may your team be the worst of them all.

about the author

Jason Michael Barker would have been a great choice for your hacking mass team last season, if only University of Washington intramural softball players were eligible. Ridicule Jason about his .250 on-base plus slugging in 39 plate appearances when you write him at jmb@strikethree.com.