Ballparks are a Boondoggle

"Earl," Citizens for No Taxes

Why, it makes my blood boil every time I turn on the wireless and hear that some baseball owner says he wants my money to build him a big palace for his overpaid, crybaby ballplayers. I don't understand why I should shell out for some place for millionaires to play while captains of industry buy up the seats that I can no longer afford on my fixed income, if I even liked baseball. what happened to the good old days, when owners were happy to lose money every year because they could take it out on the players?

These teams aren't even losing money, they're just using the federal government's special baseball tax exemptions to hide most of their loot. And that player salary depreciation -- I just read Baseball and Billions, so I think I can speak from a position of authority when I say that there's at least $500M in hidden cash right there. The accounting firms are all in on this, of course.

And what of our so-called elected representatives? You know the fix is in when they ignore the will of the people and impose their referendum votes on us. The ballots are always deliberately confusing -- if instead of, "do you approve of a bond issue to fund a new major-league ballpark," the damn things said, "do you believe in putting your money straight into the pockets of wealthy fat-cat jocks," maybe people would vote their consciences!

Just remember that every economist who's not being paid off by the owners will tell you that these stadiums don't help the local economy one bit, because everyone who attends the games lives in town and would just turn around and spend that very same money in the local strip joints if there wasn't baseball. And it's a little-known secret that all the highly-paid players live in a secret enclave in the Mojave desert where they're stocking up on propane and Krugerrands for the Y2K disaster, leaving guys like Sidney Ponson or John Marzano to make it look like the team supports its community.

So the next time a baseball owner wants you to pony up your savings to pay for a gilded pleasure palace for your breads and circuses, just turn 'em around, give 'em a wedgie and say "no way, bub! No government money for private business!!"

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm applying for my SBA grant today.

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I Give and I Give

"Carl," team owner

Honestly, I don't know what you're talking about. I've slaved to field the best possible team for all these years, given you some mighty grand memories, even won a championship or two -- hey, remember the year we were the underdogs, and came from behind? What a bunch of scrappy guys we had then. And when that final run scored, remember the elation you felt as you screamed with joy? You can have all that again -- just call your local legislator...

Oh, sorry. I just get carried away sometimes. It's just because I care too much. You see, I could field this team of AAA castoffs and retread veterans every year and just take Steinbrenner's luxury tax money and spend it on broads like I have been, but you deserve more. You deserve stars who'll do our city...no, our state...they'll do our whole tri-state region proud with their exploits! We'll pummel the Yankees senseless while beating even Peter Angelos in bidding wars for the finest veterans, like Jesse Orosco.

But we can't do it without your help. You see, even with the national TV money and the extortion-level franchise fees we charge, there's not nearly enough to go around. This year one of my third-year players might even win a million dollars in arbitration. If we want to fill our team with Jose Mesas and Joe Carterses, we need more money than we can squeeze out of this decrepit old ballpark. Clearly looking every one of its fifteen years, I can hardly believe we threatened to move unless it was built. What was I thinking?

Imagine better sightlines, bigger concessions and wider concourses, and at only a slight markup, plus seat license. It all could be yours in our new plan -- and here's the beauty part -- it's entirely financed through tariffs on yogurt and fringe theater! Just think, the dual advantages of a retractable-roofed ballpark with LCD panels and personal climate control in each seat, and we'll drive out every last liberal in town! I even think I got the new governor thinking about it when I proposed we tax NPR.

I think it's a small price to pay for the long-term security our iron-clad 67-year lease (even stronger than the one we just renegotiated!) will give this entire continent. And if you don't do it for yourselves, do it for the kids. What are you going to say to Li'l Jimmy and Jenny when they want to go to a game and all you can take 'em to are the St. Paul Saints? Is a massaging nun your idea of good moral values? For shame!

I -- I have to sit down...