Baseballhead:
They Said It, Not Me

Michael Cox

G'day, all. Before the mirth begins, just an editorial note:

We've been trying to get the site all cranked up (to coin the phrase) for the season, with new features and new areas (so far, so good with our Baseball Stores, and new, even cooler stuff coming faster than John Kruk to a beer). And hey, if you're a good writer with a sense of humor and an eye for the different side of baseball, find out about writing for us.

Most importantly, speak to us! We get our best ideas from our readers! Drop me a line if I'm not groveling sufficiently.

On we go to the week at hand:

I'm sure glad I didn't have to write this column on Sunday, because the week was a snoozefest until hype bites began springing up all across the country (and the world!) on Monday. First and foremost, the identity of the mysterious bidder who paid three megabills for Mac's 70th stepped out of the shadows, and just like his dad said, it was Spawn creator Todd McFarlane.

And not only did he (Todd, not his dad) let us know (and see) that he had the Ball O' Destiny, but he revealed that he also bought Sosa's 66th, and while he was there he noticed that nobody else was bidding on McGwire's 63rd, 67th, and 68th, and Sosa's 61st (he already owned Mac's very first dinger of the year). So, a mostly-embarrassing auction (with the exception of number 70) was turned into a bargain hunt, and you will be the winner.

That's right, McFarlane is planning to take the balls (now called "The McFarlane Collection") anywhere there are teams or charities who want to display them, and for very little compensation (his new goal is to take batting practice in every major-league park). Sound like a frustrated player? Sure enough, he apparently played briefly for the AAA Calgary Cannons, then a Mariners affiliate, before becoming a comic artist.

I'm glad McFarlane (Mac II?) (Mac Also?) bought these balls, because judging from the guy's press conference, he's damn entertaining. Some wit and wisdom:

On his record-setting purchase: "It was a mixture of business, charity and self-indulgence to the nth degree...I blew my life savings on this. I'm not Donald Trump. I don't have a lot of cash.''

Define "a lot." ...oops. Sorry...

On how his wife understood his need to make the purchase: "Women don't have these same wants and needs of silliness that men have. What's the equivalent of the 70th home run ball to women?"

An open window in Brad Pitt's home?

On the possibility of someone breaking McGwire's record: "If the record falls, I go from being the idiot that spent $3M on the crown jewels of sports memorabilia to the idiot that spent $3M on a $5 ball...If it gets too close, I saw what Tonya Harding did a few years ago, so there are options."

He says that if he owned a team, he'd take batting practice every day: "I'd make sure the fences were hydraulic, so when I came up they could move in 30 feet."

Why he's calling his assortment "the McFarlane Collection": "Given that I name all my corporations after myself, I'll name it after myself -- it's better than 'The Guy Who Has More Money Than Brains Collection.'''

And finally, his rationale for what he's doing: "I wanted to bring the ball back to the fans across North America and the world, to recapture the excitement of the record, to be able to let everyone look at the ball and say 'cool."'

That's what I'd say, by cracky.

Item: In other quotable news, the Baseball Writers Association of America held its award-winners banquet in New York on Sunday night, presenting the major MLB awards as well as a few minor ones, including the "You Gotta Have Heart" award, this year given to Darryl Strawberry because he overcame colon cancer.

"He knows how to fight. He's fought back before,'' said Yankees manager Joe Torre. We know. We've seen the videotape.

Item: Cecil Fielder returns to Toronto, where they're frantic to replace the mighty power of Jose Canseco, but not enough to give Large Papa any more than a minor-league deal.

"That doesn't bother me," Fielder said. "That's just the situation that is at hand. If I was that concerned with the contract, I wouldn't be going to camp." Of course, this is the man who made that "off-the-record" agreement with the Angels last year, and he's now coupled with an organization that's on record as the author of at least one side deal...

Item: None less than the International Olympic Committee than let any has been taking one Mark McGwire from pillar to post as an example of the Olympics' superiority over pro sport in general, and American sports fans in particular.

Seemingly dwelling in a land where all performance-enhancing substances are detectable and false positives are just the price you pay for being so stringent, IOC VP Dick Pound (don't get me started) of Canada quipped , "The closer you are to the Olympic movement, the more you are concerned about doping. The farther away from it you are, the less you care. All of a sudden you are in Mark McGwire land, and this is a national hero all souped up."

Now, I'm not gonna defend Mac's unapologetic "so I'm a role model and I'm on steroids, what's the problem?" attitude, but someone from the country who gave us the Ben Johnson scandal shouldn't be playing holier-than-thou.

Second, recent news regarding the IOC and its various members' open-pocketbook policy gives an alternative meaning to the word "doping."

So there.

about the author

Michael Cox told his friends he was going to see a man without a horse, and his friends snickered. But he was really going to see a man about a horse! Tell him that at least he wasn't going to see a man about Steve Avery at mc@strikethree.com.