NL Central Meets the Microsoft Spellchecker

Dave Paisley

Now here's something I've always wanted to do. When writing about baseball, it's inevitable that many player names aren't contained in the standard dictionaries. Thus, when it's time for the spell check, it's inevitable that there are some off-the-wall suggestions for replacement.

Of course, the standard Microsoft dictionary and spell check software is far from the best in the field. I'm sure it's what Sabrina the Teenage Witch uses to check her spells, and we all know how much trouble that wacky witch gets into. In fact, I believe that Samantha Stephens used the very first beta version of the software (an early JPL development, if I recall correctly) on Bewitched back in the sixties.

But I digress. My intent here is to run down the National League Central (easy to do when faced with the likes of Pittsburgh and Milwaukee) and provide you with some amusement and a little quiz, as I'll use some of the spell-checked suggestions for alternative names.

The big story in the NL Central last year was the Houston Astros. With the demise of the Cardinals pitching, the Astros were cruising along as a decent team in a bad division until they completely blew the doors off by bringing in Randy Johnson. All looked fabulous until a post-season offensive collapse burst their bubble.

The aftermath of last season has been kinder to the Astros than the Padres, though. Even though they failed to keep Johnson, the remainder of the rotation is stronger than the remnants of the Padres rotation, anchored by Mike Hampton and Shane Reynolds, with Jose Lima and Sean Bergman backing up. Prospect Scott Elation* should break into the rotation this year, too. It isn't as good without Johnson, but it's better than most. In the pen, Billy Wagner and Jay Powell are the basis of a pretty decent pen.

Having just moved Brad Assume* to Detroit, it looks like Matt Meluskey will take over at catcher, while the team features an all-star spell-check infield of Jeff Bagel*, Craig Baggie*, Ricky Guitars* and Ken Community*. The outfield will remain solid with Alou, Bell and Everett.

Overall, the loss of Johnson hurts, but this is one smart franchise, so expect them to be among the primary contenders for the division. A hundred wins is highly unlikely, but ninety is well within reach and may win the division anyway.

While featuring some pretty unattractive clubs, the NL Central last year was the focus of the home run race, and Sammy Souse* was an unlikely, but ultimately very likable participant. The rapid emergence of Kerry Wood, and Harry Caray sentimentality, also helped accelerate the usually hapless Cubs into the heat of the wild card race. A gruelling last two weeks and a one-game playoff left the Cubs defenseless against the Braves in the Division Series, exiting with barely a whimper.

The outlook for '99 depends greatly on how Souse* and Wood develop. Is this a new Sammy Souse*, or was '98 a flash in the pan? Will Kerry Wood's arm fall off through stupid overwork? These are probably the keys to a contending Cubs team. Beyond Wood, the pitching staff is average, with Steve Traceless*, Kevin Tiepin and Jeremi Gonzalez augmented with Jon Libeler*, acquired from Pittsburgh.

Offensively, the team returns mostly the same lineup. Jeff Blares* had a pretty lousy time of it last year, and the only way for him to go is up. Overall, though, I get the feeling this team did as well as it possibly could last year, and without really making any serious improvements, the Cubs are likely to slip back into their usual ways.

The other side of the NL Central home run derby was, of course, Mark McGwire (sorry, no silly alternate spellings.) However, due to an extreme and infectious case of pitching arm rot, the lack of a pitching staff hindered the Cards from competing. In fact, the highest number of starts by a Cardinal pitcher was 23 by the traded Todd Stottlemyre (again, sorry - this one's just too complicated for the spell-checker.) Next highest was seventeen, by Matt Morris and Kent Bottenfield.

Presuming the Cards can't have that much bad pitching luck again, the rotation looks like Morris, Darren Oliver, Donovan Osborne, and then any two from Kent Mercker, Garrett Stephenson and the aptly misnamed Manny Abyss*. In the pen, we have the newly acquired Ricky Bootlick* vying with Juan Achieved* for the role of closer, with Scott Radinsky the key lefty.

Another setback last year was the cancer of catcher Eli Merrier*, who will hopefully find '99 much merrier than '98. The loss of Royce Clayton is compensated for by new arrival Edgar Renter*, who will presumably be renting until he buys a house. A key for '99 will be the development of Fernando Tattoos* at third.

I don't have a clear picture of the Cards' likely performance, as so much depends on how well the pitching staff comes back from injuries. Overall, perhaps a .500 record with a little upside if everything goes right.

Just like last year, the Reds may be the wild card (so to speak) of the division. Possible surprise contenders last year, they never quite materialized, possibly because they started by trading away their number one starter before the season even began. The trading continued, with GM Jim Bowden acquiring every possible corner infield prospect in the game. The stockpile proved useful in the offseason, but his trading coup was unloading second baseman Bret Booze* to get Denny Beagle* from the Braves. The rotation should be very solid, with Beagle* and Bret Toko* augmented by a combination of a rejuvenated Jason Beer*, Pete Harpist* and Steve Avery. Dennis Recess* awaits if any of the veterans don't pan out.

Offensively, the team is adequate, with Eddie Tubeless* behind the plate, Hal Morris back at first, Mark Lewis and Barry Lurking* in the middle, and Sean Casey at third. The outfield looks like the all ex-prospect lineup of Tucker, Cameron and Hammonds. If the pitching all works out, the Reds could be good enough to contend for a wild card. Even if that doesn't happen, it's hard to see them being as thoroughly mediocre as last year.

I almost hate to bring up the other two teams in the division, but I guess I must. Besides they have some cool misspellings.

The Brewers feature a bevy of them, like Bob Hamlet*, Fernando Vienna*, Jeff Cripple*, Marquis Gruesome* (ah, how appropriate) and Jeromy Brunettes*. Unfortunately, that's about as interesting as they get.

As for the lowly Pirates, They seem to be stuck with Tony Womack again, and any team that deliberately went out and obtained the services of Ed Sprague deserves the worst possible fate. Especially when they're also carrying Todd Van Popped*. Pity that Jason Kindle's* efforts will be wasted.

So, to summarize, I expect to see the Astros win the division, but not in a cakewalk. The Cubs and Cards should battle it out for second and a possible wild card spot with the Reds a possible companion in the struggle. The Brewers and Pirates should be out of it by June.

*Spell Check Mischief Key:

Astros
Elarton (Elation)
Bagwell (Bagel)
Biggio (Baggie)
Gutierrez (Guitars)
Caminiti (Community)

Cubs
Trachsel (Traceless)
Tapani (Tiepin)
Karchner (Quarter)
Blauser (Blares)
Sosa (Souse)

Cards
Osborne (Observe)
Aybar (Abyss)
Bottalico (Bootlick)
Acevedo (Achieved)
Marrero (Merrier)
Renteria (Renter)
Tatis (Tattoos)

Reds
Neagle (Beagle)
Harnisch (Harpist)
Tomko (Toko)
Reyes (Recess)
Bere* (Beer)
Taubensee (Tubeless)
Larkin (Lurking)

Brewers
Hamelin (Hamlet)
Vina (Vienna)
Cirillo (Cripple)
Grissom (Gruesome)
Burnitz (Brunettes)

Pirates
Van Poppel (Popped)
Kendall (Kindle)

about the author

Dave Paisley's last name is, alas, an actual word. Order your shirt featuring Dave's face in a sixties pattern at drdjp@strikethree.com.