Under the Tree

Dave Paisley

It's that time of year when the mad scramble for those last-minute Christmas presents starts to take shape. Procrastinators beware, it's rough out there in the last week. However, if you have a MLB general manager on your list, maybe you'd like a hand figuring out what to get him (and they are all still "hims," at least the last time I looked...)

Of course, all the quality merchandise has already gone, and for some hefty prices. Never mind, you couldn't have afforded Kevin Brown anyway. You're looking for the affordable gift that says you care, but without breaking the bank (for this year and the next six.)

Even better, you can go with the even cheaper "gag gift". It still says you care, just not as much. Unfortunately, the rack of gag gifts (and I mean gag as in the "choking and vomiting" sense) has already been cleaned out by some of the early birds. Just look at what's already wrapped and under the tree so far...

Jack McDowell, Anaheim: The retread experiment continues.
Dean Palmer, Detroit: Somebody confused him with Robin Ventura, I'm sure.
Tom Lampkin, Seattle: $1.5M, two years? Huh?
Dave Stieb, Toronto: Did I mention retreads already?
Greg Colbrunn, Arizona: Random expenditures by Arizona continue.
Otis Nixon, Atlanta: Atlanta's answer to parity -- if the other teams won't get better, we'll be forced to get worse!
Ozzie Guillen, Atlanta: Two-year contract? Although, hey, he's better than Rafael Belliard. Not by much, though.
Benito Santiago, Cubs: With this move, the bitching and moaning center of the universe moves south.
Lenny Harris, Colorado: Who?
Kirt Manwaring, Colorado: The only player in the universe that can't hit in Coors.
Mike Benjamin, Pittsburgh: How bad will the Pirates be in '99?
Ed Sprague, Pittsburgh: Ouch! - this bad. Really.
Mark Langston, San Diego: Did I mention retreads again already?

You could almost win thirty games in a season with a team like that. However, it's too late to worry about what you've already missed, so it's back to the free agent store.

There are still some great opportunities, but you do have to know where to shop. It never hurts to start with former Oakland players, right? Right. Ed Sprague may be gone (thank you, Pirates!), but there's still Mike Blowers and Bip Roberts in the window.

You may remember Bip as the only DH who hits worse than the now-retired Paul Molitor. Molitor was only narrowly thwarted in his attempt to be the first DH to post a sub-.700 OPS for a full season. Fortunately the Jays realized that nostalgia has its limits (or was that neuralgia?).

If you think a light-hitting second baseman might make a nice gift, there's still ex-Boston tryout Mark Lemke, or Carlos Baerga, who finally has to convince someone else he can play. And if you love the uncertainty of whether a throw from second is going in the stands or not, don't forget Joey "Tickle Me" Cora.

If you don't like the warm fuzzy presents, how about a macho gift like Wil "Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em" Cordero?

And if having all your presents break on Christmas day is a long standing tradition, you won't want to miss the ever-fragile Shawon Dunston. He could be on the DL by the time Christmas dinner is served.

Let's say you're looking for a backup to Rey Ordonez, but don't want to embarrass him by having his backup hit better than him. What do you do? Where can you turn? Fortunately, the answer is right under your nose -- literally. At a mere 5' 6", Rafael Belliard is the perfect fit for your needs. He might even make the fans appreciate Rey's fine offensive skills by comparison.

So there are plenty of bargains out there for the careful shopper. Just make sure you give these guys away - you don't want them to end up on your team.

 

about the author

Dave Paisley has picked the 1998 Pittsburgh Pirates team video as a "marvelous stocking stuffer," then started babbling about his favorite stooge just before passing out. If you can figure out what he meant, get back to him at drdjp@strikethree.com.