Baseballhead:
Now They're Just Being Silly

Michael Cox

Excuse me if I'm a little bit distracted -- I've got this imaginary conversation in my head between Diamondbacks owner Jerry Colangelo and his GM, Joe "Chip Caray? Love him!" Garagiola Jr.:

COLANGELO: So who have we signed so far?

GARAGIOLA: Unhh...ah...here it is. Johnson, Stottlemyre, Swindell...

COLANGELO: Pitchers! Loooove them pitchers!

GARAGIOLA: Reynoso...

COLANGELO: Yes! Which game do we want him to play next year?

GARAGIOLA: Which game? We're paying the guy $5 million!

COLANGELO: Isn't he that old guy that's played in every decade?

GARAGIOLA: That's Minnie Minoso.

COLANGELO: That's too bad. If we announce him as Minnie Minoso, do you think that anyone would notice?

GARAGIOLA: (makes gurgling noise)

COLANGELO: Anyone else?

GARAGIOLA: And Colbrunn.

COLANGELO: Colbrunn...Colbrunn...oh yeah! Signed him because I love that extra consonant. I'm feelin' spunky, Joe. We signed all these guys, we raised prices a buttload and now people will pay 'em...tell you what. Next guy who walks through that door -- sign 'em!

GARAGIOLA: Anyone?

COLANGELO: No matter who. $20 million, no questions asked.

(door opens)

STEVE FINLEY: Do you guys know where the men's room is?

COLANGELO: Eeeeee-xcellent.

GARAGIOLA: (Gulp!)

While that may be an overstatement, it's obvious that the team didn't look up Finley's historical numbers before offering him the elephant bucks. Finley had a decent 1996, but a career OPS of .748 comes closer to Glenallen Hill territory...no, wait, it's 40 points lower than Glenallen Hill. So how much of that expensive pitching will be erased by Finley's flailing? I'm not the numbers guy, but six to seven figures worth might not be a bad estimate.

Item: Speaking of the man who makes Pete Incaviglia look like a masterful outfielder, Hill just got re-upped by the Cubs for a cool meeelion dollars -- $1.15M, to be exact. Speaking as a fan of a team who once had Hill, I love watching him play the field, especially for the other team. It's like one of those old Keystone Cops movies, like he's still trying to figure out that fielding thing. Maybe he's worth the bucks just for entertainment value. Isn't that what Cub fans want anyway?

Item: The O's sign Delino DeShields. Forget the Ghost of Christmas Past -- the Ghost of Pat Gillick is getting his revenge. I'm surprised they didn't sign Will Clark to a five-year deal.

Item: The Clemens Clamor oughta be settled soon, and God only knows whether it'll do anything at all for the Jays. Clemens has a lot of say regarding his potential new team (heck, he probably has a lot of say about what color suit Gord Ash gets to wear) and he'd really like to play closer to his Texas home. Apparently the Jays and Astros have been discussing a deal ever since the Big Unit left Houston, so it should surprise no one if he ends up there.

What raised my eyebrows was the revelation that the Mariners were thinking of making an offer -- or at least something they called an offer. I think I could hear Ash laughing from here. Needless to say, the M's retracted their statement soon afterwards.

Item: So the Yanks have a special "deal" (read: scheme) in the works regarding Darryl Strawberry. You see, they either don't want to pay him the $2.5M his contract option calls for, or don't want the IRS to get hold of it, depending on who you talk to and when you talk to them. So, they've convinced both the union and the other owners (likely after liberally applying heaping gobs of melodrama over Straw's recent illness) to let them get around the option.

It works like this: Strawberry will tear up his declaration of free agency, giving him until December 20 to be offered a contract. The Yanks will not tender a contract by that date, and Strawberry will no longer be bound to his old Yankee contract. Then, the team will offer him a minor-league deal with the usual invite to spring training, at which time they'll make him a full-fledged Yankee again (barring a problem).

What's wrong with this picture? Money, of course. With Da Boss' stated desire to keep Strawberry's pay out of the paws of the taxman, it certainly seems like more's going on here than meets the eye. If so, they'll get away with it -- if there's one thing the rich folk do well, it's figure out how to hide money.

about the author

Michael Cox' e-mail continues to pile up, now due to his additional emergency webmastering duties. Write him anyway at mc@strikethree.com, but expect a reply to take about as long as it does for Rey Ordonez to get ten hits. Yup, that long.