A Confederation of Schlemiels

Michael Cox

Those crazy owners are at it again -- led by fearless commish Bud "Stop calling me 'Chief'!" Selig, they got together in Chicago to discuss the disparity which allows George Steinbrenner and Jerry Colangelo to dine with supermodels at Spago while Claude Brochu spends his nights at the St. Vincent dePaul shelter.

Adding to the mirth was former labor boss Marvin Miller, who was telling anyone who would listen (and several who wouldn't) that the whole thing was tantamount to collusion, pure and simple. Never mind that anything resembling collusion is impossible while Peter Angelos and Rupert Murdoch have humongoid pocketbooks and egos to match. Even current labor boss Don Fehr seemed to just want Uncle Marv to go away.

Fortunately, our secret microphone is still transmitting, so we feature the following excerpt from Thursday's meeting...

BUD SELIG: Gentlemen...

WENDY SELIG-PRIEB: Ahem.

SELIG: Sorry. Gentlemen and my darling daughter, who runs the Brewers utterly independently without consulting myself at any time, because that would be a conflict of interest -- speaking of which, don't we need to vote on the 2001 All-Star Game site?

STEINBRENNER: Cut the crap, bud. My driver is keeping the car warm, and the guy's getting $20 an hour. Would've made one of my players do it, but those damn union rules...

SELIG: Okay. As you all know, there's a real disparity in our sport. Some teams make more TV money for one game than others do for an entire season. As a result, Pittsburgh, Montreal and Minnesota will never even have a chance at making the playoffs.

JERRY REINSDORF: And we would want them to make it to the playoffs?

KEVIN McCLATCHY: Don't make me come over there, Reins-dork.

REINSDORF: I held Frank Thomas down while we told him we lost Belle and Ventura, so I'm not scared of you, paperboy.

SELIG: Awww, c'mon, guys! We need to figure out how to spread the wealth around a little more efficiently.

PAUL BEESTON: I've already figured that out! I've also got a realignment plan that'll please the owners and the fans, a way to build ballparks without asking for public funds, and yesterday I found decisive evidence that Shoeless Joe Jackson was innocent.

SELIG: Paul, could you go get us thirty-one coffees, three black and one with ten sugars for Mr. Angelos?

BEESTON: But, Bud...!

SELIG: Remember when we talked about not arguing with the Commissioner?

JOHN HENRY: I was kinda hoping he'd stay and teach me about that player depreciation stuff that I read about in "Baseball and Billions." My kids say you all do it.

WAYNE HUIZENGA: I hope you don't mind, I invited John along so he could learn the ropes before he takes over.

HENRY: Do I have to make everyone call me a Lord of Baseball now?

CARL POHLAD: If you don't shut that guy up, I'll give my whole team to the state of Minnesota.

SELIG: Carl, if you don't shut up, I'll let you.

HENRY: It'd be sorta cool to see Jesse "The Body" Ventura running a team, don't you think?

TED TURNER: Yeah. Come to think of it, I've been meaning to ask you guys if we can't add a little more rasslin' to baseball. Maybe some ring ropes around the infield -- Angelos, you just signed Belle, he'd be a natural for that sorta thing. I wonder if Goldberg can pitch...?

RUPERT MURDOCH: How American. I'm telling you, we need a computer chip in the ball so that when Randy Johnson lets loose, it has a big red electronic tail! And big cartoon "transformers"...

MICHAEL EISNER: How idiotic can two people get?

TURNER: Two words, mouse-man: Mighty Ducks.

EISNER: D'oh.

JOHN HARRINGTON: Zzzzzzzzzz...

PETER ANGELOS: Back to business, gentlemen!

SELIG-PRIEB: Ahem!

ANGELOS: Er, and Wendy. Anyway, Bud was about to tell us how we can better distribute revenues without taking a dime of profits away from my team.

STEINBRENNER: Or mine.

CLAUDE BROCHU: 'Ow would you lahk eet eef I charge you to televahze all ze games from Le Stade Olympique?

TURNER: How would you like it if I put you in an sleeper hold, Frenchy?

BROCHU: (Removing jacket): Geet readee to start dreenkeeng your meals weeth a straw, Meester Fonda!

(General chaos ensues. Much bumping, shouting and rending of fabric, and we're sure that somewhere in there we heard a slap-fight between Eisner and Michael Ilitch)

SELIG: Not the face! For God's sake, not the face!

HENRY: So, can I really tell everybody I only make five bucks from cable broadcasts?

There you have it -- actually one of the more productive meetings of the, er. minds who run Major League Baseball. Next time: someone sneaks the New York Times crossword into a meeting, and hijinks ensue.

Dramatis Personae:

Bud Selig: Commissioner of Baseball, and still owns a big chunk of the Brewers. But he doesn't run them. Honest.

Wendy Selig-Prieb: Selig's daughter, and the person running the team now that Bud can have no involvement or even make suggestions to team officials. Really, they're not as close as you'd think. We wouldn't lie to you.

George Steinbrenner: The Homer Simpson of baseball.

Jerry Reinsdorf: Selig's best buddy, owner of the White Sox and Chicago Bulls. Has never been to the upper deck of either of his teams' stadiums.

Kevin McClatchy: Newspaper heir, Pirates owner, man who thinks Al Martin is a great player.

Paul Beeston: Chief Operating Officer of baseball. By rights should run the thing. but he's not dumb enough.

John Henry: Commodities trader, soon-to-be owner of the Marlins, most likely to actually seriously utter the phrase, "Jane, get me off this crazy thing!"

Wayne Huizenga: Owner of Blockbuster Video, SportsChannel cable network, and Marlins. In the process of selling most of these so he can fulfill his dream of rolling naked in a room filled with cash.

Carl Pohlad: Owner of the Twins and sad resident of a just-frozen-over Hell.

Ted Turner: Owns the Braves, sold his cable empire to Time Warner so he could accomplish Huizenga's dream first, with the added feature of Jane Fonda in the room as well. May run for President solely to force Paramount to sell him all known prints of Barbarella.

Rupert Murdoch: Owns the Dodgers, Fox network. Build a media empire around the fact that Michael Jackson's so damn weird.

Michael Eisner: Runs Disney, who own the Angels. Would in reality send a lackey to take care of Angels business so that he can eat dinner with a supermodel at Spago.

John Harrington: Administers the trust that owns the Red Sox. Just wants to be left the hell alone.

Peter Angelos: Former labor lawyer and owner of the Orioles. Made enough money from anchoring Maryland's suit against the tobacco industry that he could afford Albert Belle.

Claude Brochu: Owner of the Expos (for the moment). From Quebec. 'Nuff said.

 

about the author

Michael Cox doesn't think the owners are bad, they're just misunderstood. A little lovin' is all they need. Let him know if you're willing to give 'em that lovin, 'cause Michael sure ain't, at mc@strikethree.com.