Baseballhead:
Another Awards Show. Wow.

Michael Cox

I've gotta admit that I had zero anticipation for the Player's Choice Awards, given out last week in Orlando. That may be because they just weren't promoted anywhere but on ESPN. So, I missed the live ceremony, but thanks to the magic of RealVideo I could replay it right here on my computer while I work or play or...

...watch MTV?

I decided to take on an experiment: Run the PCAs head-to-head with MTV, and see which can hold my attention better. Smart money was on the ESPN event, because it was packed with a frickin' constellation of this year's stars, while MTV often just blows. My MTV-watching is mainly confined to seeing what's on as I turn past it, and on this day there were actually music videos -- a rare occurrence, and one to be taken advantage of.

So the battle was joined.

Berman's introduction vs. Busta Rhymes: No contest. Busta kills, although the intro to any awards show could cause anyone not extremely cautious to die of boredom.

Crappy "come to Orlando" promo video vs. The Verve: didn't even realize the awards were back on. I did peek back in time to see a locker room scene, ostensibly recorded as players were filling out ballots during the season. Noticed that about four players were filling them out, despite the voice-over's assertion that they actually sent people around to beg/force/bribe players to vote.

Oasis has a new album coming out already. Wow. Cough. Cough.

Season highlight montage vs. mass o' targeted ads (tm) -- Boy, MTV has the crappiest ads on earth. And they're supposed to be targeting people with quark-sized attention spans.

Outstanding rookie vs. continued ads -- Okay, the PCAs are pulling up close now, if only because MTV is into its sixth or seventh minute of ads. Ben Grieve is a good choice, too.

ESPN ads vs. Mariah Carey -- Still close. Mariah exemplifies everything bad about music in the '90s, and the only reason she's still an MTV staple is because she works out religiously. On the ESPN side, judging by the number of promos, most of their ad time for this doesn't seem to be sold.

AL comeback player vs. Faith Evans -- What comeback? Eric Davis had an .893 OPS last year -- he just got sick. Expect Darryl Strawberry to win this in 1999, no matter how badly he does.

MLBPA "Show 'em we're community-minded or the players won't show up" hype vs. Fiona Apple -- Fiona's an anorexic, overrated whiner who makes Randy Johnson look like a company man, and she still wins.

NL comeback player vs. Cavalcade of Ads -- Okay, Greg Vaughn did deserve this, and Brett Butler...woah, Tyra Banks...

ESPN ADS vs. R.E.M. -- "Daysleeper" has to be R.E.M.'s worst video ever (and I've seen "Wolves, Lower"). On the other hand, the Miller folks manage to keep coming out with mildly amusing ads.

AL outstanding pitcher vs. MTV ads, again -- I could listen to Buck O'Neill talk all day. Unfortunately, when he read the winner, Berman had to remind him that it was a tie and he should read a second name. I remember the old days when MTV only had about four minutes of ads per half-hour, and they were all for "Freedom Rock."

ESPN Promos aplenty vs. Fastball -- What were the odds that a Fastball video would happen during a baseball program on another channel? Pretty good, actually. Meanwhile, Disney keeps working that "synergy" with Monday Night Football promos and a Classic Sports Network ad.

Disney World promo vs. Eve 6 -- Out of a two-hour show, I figure about one hour of the PCAs were hype for one Disney property or another. Crrrap, I say. Meanwhile, I actually like Eve 6. MTV is pulling away again...

NL pitcher vs. Goo Goo Dolls -- another tie-in: the Dolls did the coolest version of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" in those Fox spots last year. They're fabu, even if "Iris" is a tad on the smarmy side. Meanwhile, Greg Maddux wins. Again. I'm starting to know how NASCAR fans feel about Jeff Gordon.

Ads vs. ads -- Finally, a head to head ad competition. MTV's X-Games...er, Sports and Music Festival" is coming up, while on ESPN...DIVX? Sure, go ahead and buy one. Your friends won't mock you -- promise.

"Tribute to McGwire via radio and newspapers" vs. more ads -- It reminds us that the average radio guy has ten times the smarts of a Tim McCarver (of course, they use the opportunity to flash an ESPN Magazine cover). And on MTV, a promo for George Michael's new video, in which he dresses as a cop and dances provocatively in a public john. No lie.

Something-or-other vs. Everlast and some crappy R&B artist -- Could Julius Erving (Julius Erving?) talk any slower? So Berman introduces Erving, Erving introduces Ripken, Ripken salutes Sosa and McGwire. This is getting ridiculous. Berman could have said the same things, got the Dynamic Duo onstage and saved America (or the ten people within who are watching) five minutes out of their lives for something else. Ironically, Sosa and Mac combined took less time than any of the individuals who introduced them. Everlast, on the other hand, played a good song.

Ads vs. Ads -- Zzzzz.

AL outstanding player vs. Backstreet boys -- You know, sometimes I wonder why the hell I decided to do this. Reggie Jackson and Berman jaw about the "old days" of ESPN (baseball wasn't nearly where it is now, you see, because ESPN didn't exist). Meanwhile, the New Kids on the Block revival continues -- but I swear, if I'm subjected to 'N Sync or 98 Degrees I quit. Hey! A-Rod won! Garciaparra looks nonplussed! Okay, ESPN wins this round.

More Disney promos vs. "Fanatic" -- Uh-oh. I knew this had to happen eventually. Insane teens get to meet their heroes and tell them (almost without exception) how Third Eye Blind/K-Cee and Jo-Jo/"Stone Cold" Steve Austin changed their lives. This should make the race a lot closer.

NL Outstanding player vs. Busta Rhymes fan -- Sammy wins, and instead of getting to accept the award himself he is subjected to a Joe Morgan interview as some sort of tradeoff. The ESPN/Disney cross-promotion/back-patting fest is wearing thin. Don't they have the Espys for this crap?

Ads vs. Third Eye Blind fan -- Wow. Another ESPN Magazine promo. Or more concisely, the same one, played again.

Joe Morgan and Chris Berman recap the season for about the tenth time in an hour and a half (now aided by a not-live Peter Gammons) vs. ads -- That's it.

I'm throwing in the towel. I don't know what I was thinking when I started, but nobody should be subjected to this. The final tally has MTV winning by a landslide over a show which featured all the best ballplayers of our day, and that's not a statement to be proud of.

If ESPN would have made the show a one-hour, tightly-paced ceremony instead of padding it out to two hours with cross-promos for other corporate divisions and self-congratulation, it would have been a can't-miss proposition. As it stands, the main topics of the show were:

- McGwire and Sosa "energized" baseball by hitting a lot of homers.
- Ballplayers are selfless to a fault, and most spend their off-field time with disadvantaged small children, and possibly fuzzy bunny rabbits (don't forget to mention the Players' Association each time you say this).
- The ESPN/Disney "synergy" and how it's almost as important to baseball as McGwire and Sosa.
- Did we mention that McGwire and Sosa hit a lot of homers?

During this time, MTV played several entertaining videos with varying messages, if a few crappy ones as well, and we even learned that George Michael has a sense of humor.

If I do this next year...no, I'm not gonna do this next year. Nobody's that masochistic.

 

about the author

Michael Cox will not be watching "In The Zone" and "Daria" concurrently, not even if you paid him. You're welcome to offer, however, at mc@strikethree.com.