Here's a dollar, kid, buy yourself a team

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Left-handed Relievers

Name	Age	ERA	Innings Pitched	OBP allowed	SLG allowed	OPS allowed
Dennis Cook	36	2.18	66	.307	.331	.638
Brian Bohanon	30	2.65	142.2	.306	.357	.663
Chuck McElroy	31	2.26	67.2	.310	.359	.669
Arthur Rhodes	29	3.58	73	.319	.370	.689
Jimmy Key	37	4.17	78.1	.315	.395	.710
Scott Radinsky	30	2.63	61.2	.337	.375	.712
Mark Guthrie	33	3.50	54	.347	.367	.714
Mike Magnante	33	4.91	51.1	.369	.371	.740
Norm Charlton	36	5.84	44.2	.386	.425	.811
Chris Haney	30	6.88	100.2	.364	.514	.878

It's weird that Norm Charlton, who has been terrible for years now, is just as old as Randy Johnson. Norm's career has come and gone, while Randy's is at its mid-point. You'll see this a lot, skimming these charts. Performance has everything to do with talent and brainpower and little to do with age.

I'm picking up Brian Bohanon at decent cost, though I'm real worried about that inning count. We'll be watching his pitch counts in my enlightened bullpen. McElroy's another great signing -- the man pitches in Colorado! His splits are insane: 1.80 ERA in Coors, 2.93 away from Coors! That's a little too wide for me to be entirely comfortable with. Hopefully they've spent so much on Bichette they'll let him come over to me. I finish up my roster with Arthur Rhodes and Scott Radinsky, welcome additions.

Jimmy Key should be avoided at all costs. It would take a miracle for him to return to his finest form, and there were extended stretches (as in, half of the season) where he's been just terrible before the injury, and now he's work-limited and it's a good bet he's not long for the game. Norm-- yeaaagh. And what happened to Chris Haney? Let someone else sort that one out -- you don't want a 7-ERA mystery in your bullpen.

How's the team shaping up? Check it out:

Name	Throws	Spot	ERA	OPS allowed	Probable Salary
Randy Johnson	L	1	3.34	.637	9
Kevin Brown	R	2	2.24	.583	8
Al Leiter	L	3	2.50	.608	8
Tim Belcher	R	4	3.96	.760	2
Joey Hamilton	R	5	4.32	.748	4 (waahhh)
Brian Bohanon	L	RP	2.65	.663	2
Chuck McElroy	L	RP	2.26	.669	2
Arthur Rhodes	L	RP	3.58	.689	2.5
Scott Radinsky	L	RP	2.63	.712	2
Steve Reed	R	RP	3.19	.594	2
Xavier Hernandez	R	RP	3.54	.632	1.5
Alan Mills	R	RP	3.82	.647	1.5
Mike Timlin	R	RP	2.95	.662	3

Alternates

Likely Steve Reed, for one, won't be available. We pay a premium to get Finley out of Anahiem if we can't get one of our first three starter choices, which makes it worthwhile to pay them what they're asking.

Name	Throws	Spot	ERA	OPS allowed	Probable Salary
Chuck Finley	L	SP	3.44	.709	6.5
Dennis Cook	L	RP	2.18	.638	1.5

Assuming Steve Reed doesn't make it, that means our pitching costs us $47,000,000 dollars, which is a pretty penny and, weirdly, exactly what I spent on hitters last week. However, I'm willing to spend more on those front three, and may well end up paying 10m/apiece. No problem, I'd just drop Timlin and pick up an long-relief workhorse like Mike Magnante. Or pick up a long-relief workhorse and convert him to our #5 spot.

Overall, this team will utterly dominate all who face it -- chasing a starter from a game will get you nowhere. That'll be demoralizing.

Our grand total will be about $96,000,000, assuming some we pick up some minor-league free agents for the bench and we have to flex a little for some players. Seems pretty expensive except when you realize we've paid a massive premium to buy all free agents, and this team would make the Yankees look like a collection of T-ball players. Even given this insane way to assemble a team, this ass-kicking monstrosity costs a mere 37% more than the Orioles, who have a farm system (I think) and can homebrew really cheap talent (I mean could).

Would someone please give me a franchise?

about the author

Derek really does want a franchise. If you've got one lying around (say, you live in Baltimore) and you'd be willing to loan it to him, please drop him a line at dmz@strikethree.com.