Baseballhead:
The World According to Alt.Discretion.Valor

Michael Cox

Well, well, well, what have we here? the press is all a-twitter over that bottle of androstenedione they saw in Mark McGwire's locker. Mac says it's no big deal. So does his team. So is it?

Well, many doctors, including the naturopathic Dr. Weil, assert that anything that artificially boosts testosterone levels, taken to excess, is bad for you in the long run. And boosting testosterone is exactly what steroids, and androstenedione, are for. Although most pro sports don't ban the latter drug, most amateur athletic organizations, which tend to care more about the health of their athletes, do.

Now, Mac has only been taking androstenedione for about a year, and the guy has been a homer machine long before that. Mac has also been musclebound since most of us can remember (I have before me a copy of a 1989 A's program, featuring McGwire wearing a sleeveless t-shirt as proof). Heck, he may even have started to take the stuff mainly to help avoid injury (steroids also build bone density).

However, nobody knows whether Mac has been taking other testosterone-boosting drugs prior to this. Quite frankly, I don't care, because what McGwire did legally and behind closed doors is his own damn business. I can even deal with his seemingly obsessive desire to build muscle, even if the clubhouse guy may need to have a 50 percent larger Cards logo embroidered on his jersey next year.

All I know is that McGwire's only current option is to publicly declare that he will no longer take androstenedione. At least, if he loves kids like he says he does. Steroid side effects such as liver failure are nothing to want to wish on the fry that you donate millions to protect. The statement declaring the drug safe and legal was tantamount to endorsing it. The only graceful way out now is to stop taking it.

Item: In other news of the graceless, Livan Hernandez plea-bargains to have the assault charges against him dropped in return for restitution and anger management counseling, but makes sure to deny that he should be doing these things at all. "I'm Livan Hernandez, who plays baseball for the Florida Marlins. They want to make me look bad," he said, seemingly illustrating the problem that got him into this mess in the first place...

Item: In his first order of business as official commish, Bud Selig doubles the price of World Series tickets, thus beginning to take the Fall Classic out of the category of "nice perk for season-ticket holders" and into that of "big event to sell as vacation packages." In doing so, Bud compared the World Series to the one-game Super Bowl, and the NBA and NFL finals, which are played in arenas with under half the capacity of the average MLB ballpark.

The Baseballhead solution? Charge reasonable prices for most seats, but make the folks sitting baseline pay the elephant bucks. What? Celebs and invited guests sit baseline now? Oh my...

Item: Randy Johnson lost his first game as an Astro last week, and curiously, it was the first time this year that nobody accused him of tanking it...

Item: A guy from New Jersey (why does that not surprise me?) signed umpire Al Clark's name to a letter of authentication in order to sell some signed balls that he said were from David Wells' perfect game. Okay, so he's fessed up regarding the Clark signatures, but now, despite Wells himself denying it, the man maintains that the balls, and signatures, are legit. You know how once in a while you run into someone who just doesn't know when to quit, even when it's clear he should stop, to the point where you're embarrassed for him?

Well, before that guy is me, I'm outta here...

Before you get any ideas, Michael Cox has trademarked the title, "The Jersey Ball-Selling Guy," and has already cast Jon Lovitz in the title role. If you can help him get Jon to return his phone calls, tell him how at mc@strikethree.com.