Baseballhead:
The Future is Now

Michael Cox

I went to a Mariner game and the future broke out.

Literally, it was "Turn Ahead the Clock Night": the hook was that the game took place in 2027, the M's 50th Anniversary year. But it was more than just an excuse for Ken Griffey to wear his cap backwards for an entire regulation game. It was also an excellent blueprint for future promotions.

The basic premise starts out like those "Turn Back the Clock Nights" that every team has: Different uniforms, announcers and scoreboard playing along, etc. In this case, both teams had sleeveless pullover jerseys and gold (Royals) and silver (M's) batting helmets; the announcer had his voice electronically distorted; the score was displayed via laser every half-inning.

And there was more. New "teams" were introduced when standings and scores were displayed (Pluto held off a late surge by Saturn to win 17-16), umps wore shiny silver shirts, and many ballpark ads went futuristic ("Oh Boy! Oberto: Official beef jerky of the 2028 Olympics"). You'll be happy to know that in 2027, Alex Rodriguez still won't be charging the mound, even when a crappy manager like Tony Muser has a pitcher peg A-Rod in the back, and that hardly anyone will like "YMCA" anymore.

In fact, the only thing that remained as usual was the game itself. Still, there was a sense that all the wacky accoutrements served to focus attention on the game itself. The game flowed like a baseball game.

Contrast this with Fox's recent attempts to turn their MLB broadcasts into a carbon copy of their NHL brethren. Graphics that make whooshing noises are unnecessary. Mini-music videos prior to an at-bat disrupt the flow. And the travesty that greeted each of Jay Buhner's at-bats had to be the brainchild of a saboteur. Buhner's nickname is "Bone", right? And there's that song, "Bad to the Bone," okay? So instead of having any interesting facts about Buhner, or play-by-play or anything, we'll just play the song for the entire at-bat! Zap! Pow! How mod!

Unfortunately, there were two huge problems with this: 1) Everybody who's ever watched a Mariner home game has already heard "Bad to the Bone" at least two more times than they would like; 2) A ballgame without play-by play but with music is not a music video of baseball.

What's next - after each home run, a cartoon "transformer" from the scoring team mashes a "transformer" from the other team with a baseball bat?

Which brings us to our cavalcade of silliness:

Item: It's the new "Major League Beat" video from MLB Properties: LL Cool J hosts a cavalcade of baseball bloopers and highlights...all set to music! One can only imagine the thought that went into this:

MLB MARKETEER #1: Hmm. The sales figures for that "Tony Gwynn: Baseball's Most Exciting Hitter" aren't as big as we hoped. We need something new, something to appeal to the kids out there...

MLB MARKETEER #2: (Snaps fingers) I know! I went to a game recently, and they were playing these highlight reels, but they would also play music at the same time! People would even sometimes applaud at the end!

#1: Yeah, I hear the kids are really into those things where there's music plus moving pictures! We could really get those Generation Xers into this one!

#2: But we need to be hip - maybe we could get a hot new musician to host the thing...

#1: Hmm. Someone real current and hip...how about Peter Frampton!

#2: Nah, he's too big. He'd never do it. Maybe the New Kids on the Block...wait, I think they changed their name to the Backstreet Boys...

BOTH SIMULTANEOUSLY: LL Cool J!

#2: Talk about hot and current!

#1: So which Grand Funk song do we use for the first video?

Item: Big last-minute happ'nins in the world of franchise moves this week. First off, the Twins might not be going anywhere after the revelation of new lease negotiations between owner Carl Pohlad and the Metrodome folks. the real reason for all this: it doesn't look like any ballpark is getting built in North Carolina anytime soon. The city of Charlotte wants the team to commit before agreeing to even try to fund a park; potential buyer Don Beaver wants the city to pony up before he buys. This, plus the lawsuits up north in Minneapolis, leave Pohlad holding the bag. Look for him to stay in Minnesota for the time being until a different buyer, or funding for a ballpark, surfaces.

Meanwhile, down in Miami, it looks like Don Smiley can't hock up the money to buy the Marlins, even in their currently eviscerated state. So who shows up on Wayne Huizenga's doorstep but well-known agent to defectors Joe Cubas, who managed in less than a month what Smiley couldn't in the better part of a year: scrape together $169M.

There's one troubling thing about a potential Cubas deal: in answer to fans' venom towards sports agents, the agents often use the argument that teams secretly make more money than they let on. So if Smiley buys the Marlins, how does he justify using public money for a new ballpark? It'll be curious to see whether he shows people the same books Huizenga's created, or if they might somehow become more "honest".

My money isn't on the latter...

Michael Cox is plans to host his own "Turn Ahead the Clock" night at his home. The evening will include lounging around in boxer shorts, a viewing of "Godzilla" movies, and plates of nachos as big as your head. Tell him he should turn the clock ahead further than this August at mc@strikethree.com.