Baseballhead:
Whiffing for the Masses

Michael Cox

Hello and welcome to the "I've finally gotten over the All-Star Game hoopla" edition of the Column Currently Known as Baseballhead. Still (didn't think you'd get off that easy, did you?), a few questions remain:

How does Fernando Tatis get 325K votes?

And finally, whose idea was that plane flying overhead for the whole game, had he never watched a televised Mets game in his life, and what KFC is he working in now?

All that aside, baseball has moved directly into its second season, and this is where the true agony and ecstasy sets in.

Agony for:

The Mariners - I'm probably the 3,021,896th person in America to say this, but what the hell?

The Orioles - On the other hand, most smart people knew this train wreck would happen.

The Pirates - It's true. Lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place.

The Reds - It's true. They do suck. Fortunately, however, they're stealing the brightest prospects from desperate GMs on both coasts, so there could be a tomorrow...as long as the organization heeds the lesson of the Seattle front office: It doesn't pay to piss off your people.

The Devil Rays and Diamondbacks - After the false idea that they were actually going to come out winning, these two teams woke up to realize the only winning they're going to do consists of the top two spots on Mr. Blackwell's Worst Dressed Teams list.

Also: Every AL Central team not named the Indians; every St. Louis Cardinal not named McGwire. Florida isn't qualified for this list: you actually have to have fans in order to cause them agony.

Ecstasy for:

The Yankees - Duh. The unfortunate thing is that this marvelous run is tainted by the existence of Steinbrenner and Paul "Olympic Bat Toss Champ" O'Neill.

The Padres - The best part is knowing that the Dodgers are more likely to screw themselves up in panic than to come back.

The Cubs - Just because they're over .500.

Either the Angels or the Rangers - And whoever it is, enjoy it before the Division Series exit.

The Indians and the Braves don't qualify for this list, because business as usual usually doesn't include too much ecstasy.

Moving on to an odd and an end:

Item: Fox stubbornly continues with its "Mac Watch" segments, wherein whenever Mark McGwire is at bat all action in Fox' other games stops while they cut in with the entire at-bat. Has anyone told them that even in a good month, Mac is likely to make good in only one out of every 16 or so segments? Never mind that unless someone is placing a lot of money on his games (if you know what I mean, and I think you do), Mac is gonna get more and more free passes as time goes by...

Item: I happened to get home in the wee hours of Sunday morning, and turning the TV on for a moment, I happened upon a show called "Shop at Home", and whaddyaknow, they were selling the "Glory the Bear" beanie baby from the All-Star Game for $250, about 2-1/2 times what they were paying fans for them at Coors Field.

But I expected that kind of thing to happen. The curious thing about the show was its "out of the back of the station wagon" feel: Not once did you see the hosts' faces. They were chuckling with glee the whole time; and their vocabulary seemed limited to, "We only have a few left!", "Go to the phone now or you won't get one," (spoken like that guy outside the ballpark who wants you to believe that $100 for upper deck is the going rate) and "the phone lines are absolutely jammed!" (At this point I imagined a phone room with three people, one playing trash-can hoops.)

They may be a fine, reputable company, but I sure wouldn't trust them with my credit card number. However, they were the most entertaining home shopping show since In Living Color's "Homeboy Shopping Network."

See you soon.

Michael Cox has been incredulous ever since he was sure he saw Jay Buhner win the WWF championship. Let him know it was "Stone Cold" Steve Austin (but do it gently) at mc@strikethree.com.