Baseballhead: Trek to Stupidity

Michael Cox

Greetings! This week's Baseballhead comes to you from 30,000 feet above...oh, Oregon, I guess. Not fog nor delays nor "clear-air" turbulence will keep this wonderfully irreverent column (say that in a British accent for best effect) from its appointed rounds. Whoop - here comes the beverage cart. Hang on...

Okay, as I was saying, the lack of a Dodger trade, or near-trade, or rumored near-trade, has not left us wanting for subject matter. To wit:

Item: Owners met in Seattle this past week. They voted to let another filthy rich media mogul buy a team (in this case, the Texas Rangers to Tom Hicks), then patted themelves on the backs in congratulations for a job well done before fleeing into the Puget Sound night.

No action on the Marlins (either the potential change of ownership or the Charlie O. Finley-like salary dump), interleague play (or the death thereof), radical realignment (ditto), but that was all to be expected. However, just prior to the meeting, Jerry McMorris announced that the list of Commissioner candidates was complete. Hello? Work to do?

However, it's no surprise that when it's fish-or-cut-bait time, the owners choose the ever-popular third option of hanging out in the tackle shop complaining about the weather.

Item: Dodger OF Raul Mondesi is nailed for drunk driving. Not just your run-of-the-mill occasional weaving, mind you, but high beams and stopping in the middle of the road.

At this time, I'd like to address any players who may be viewing this column (I hear noted surfer Jose Cruz, Jr. has a spot of time right now) and offer some advice: If you want to get tanked, nobody cares. What makes you stupid is if you can afford a cab (or a limo, for that matter - hey, more booze on the way home!) but don't take one. The clue's on me, gentlemen...

Item: The Mariners and Giants participate in an interleague beanball war, and nobody gets suspended? Perhaps Budig was afraid that NL boss Len Coleman would expose him for the Selig-like idiot he is? Or is it that someone has to either whine (Kenny Lofton) or punk somebody (Darryl Strawberry, Felix Martinez) before anything happens?

In case you missed it, things started out with Giants starter Shawn Estes hitting Ken Griffey in the back with a pitch. Tit for tat, Ken Cloude hits Barry Bonds in the leg. A bit later in the game, Alex Martinez takes out Jeff Kent with a slide (clean or dirty, depending on which team you're on. I don't want to call Dusty Baker a whiner...okay, yes I do). So the next day Orel Hershiser nails Young Alex with a heater to the shoulder. Then Billy Swift again gets Bonds in the leg, forcing Barry to leave the game with stiffness. No fights, no charging, a little verbal sparring (and don't forget the whining). That's baseball.

So anyway, to the humorous part. A syndicated writer named Ben Walker wrote a piece last weekend called "The Art of the Beanball", in which he listed the "rules" for proper use of chin music. Number 1 was classic: "Never aim for the head". The examples? On the "don't" side were Randy Johnson's inside pitches to Cleveland's Kenny Lofton...pitches that didn't even hit him. On the "do" side? Hershiser nailing Rodriguez. Last time I checked, my shoulders were within, er, striking distance of my head. A copy of Gray's Anatomy for the undereducated sportswriter...

Item: In a valiant attempt to juice the quarter-hour Nielsens during their Game(s) of the Week, Fox broke away from the actual in-progress game to cover Mark (Not Maris Yet) McGwire's at-bats in a completely different game. Not only that, but when they broke away and he was clearly going to be intentionally walked, they stayed with the whole four pitches and the jog to first. One pitch, a "d'oh!" (they do carry the Simpsons) and an apology, then get back to the game you're covering. In fact, wake me when McG gets to 55...

Item: Cincy SS Barry Larkin and Pittsburgh OF Al Martin both want out of town.

Duh.

Well, that just about wraps it up for another rollickin' week! (Actually, the bevvy cart is coming by again...)

Michael Cox will be opening for Gallagher at Circus Circus. Send him condolences and a wash-n-wear dickey at mc@strikethree.com.