The All-Average Team

Derek Zumsteg

Every hometown fan likes to think all of their position players are better than average, when clearly this isn't the case. So for disillusionment purposes, I've assembled this team of average players so that everyone can clearly see that Joey Cora sucks. Totally. He's worthless, and what's more, he can't play defense worth beans either. Just compare a player's stats to these average players and boom, there you have it. No giving local players credit for 'clutch hitting' or 'leadership' either.

Pos	Player	OBP	SLG	OPS	98 Avg Pos OPS	98 Pos Best OPS	Worth
C	Chris Widger	.311	.421	.732	.729	1.074 (I. Rodriguez)	.68 Pudges
1B	Will Clark	.380	.471	.850	.854	1.355 (McGwire)	.63 Marks
2B	Joey Cora	.350	.374	.724	.717	1.027 (Easley)	.70 Damions
SS	Desi Relaford	.314	.389	.703	.702	.952 (A.Rodriguez)	.74 Alexes
3B	John Valentin	.333	.407	.740	.738	1.045 (C. Jones)	.71 Chippers
LF	Luis Gonzalez	.356	.482	.838	.834	1.051 (Bonds)	.80 Barrys
CF	Andruw Jones	.316	.479	.794	.794	1.025 (Griffey)	.77 Juniors
RF	Raul Mondesi	.310	.526	.836	.838	1.031 (Sosa)	.81 Sosas

To get these, I averaged approximately the top 50 players at each position. Because I used (name brand censored)'s Stats-o-Annoyingness, this meant that players often showed up in secondary positions, and I tried to weed that out as much as I could manage without putting too much work into it. Why? Because I'm lazy, see?

Catcher

Boy, I bet the Mariners wish they had Chris Widger back now. I remember Widger when he was a backup Mariner, willing to greet fans like me. His 'fat' Expo contract pays him $350K to catch in Hell, and while I'm happy to see him get the money, he really deserves the league-average $1M (Apples, Oranges: If Sheffield can get $5M for his no-trade clause, shouldn't being a catcher in Hell be worth $2M?). Alternates: Charles Johnson at .721, more valued for his fine, fine defensive skills, totally unlike average player Joey Cora.

First Base

For a free-agent-to-be with a reputation for injury, Clark's not helping his case. I should say 'problem' instead of 'reputation' and 'killing' instead of 'not helping'. Talking about this hurts..let's move on. Annoyingly productive is Whine-O-Tron Raffi Palmeiro (.908), who I really wanted to put on this roster. First base is waay underperforming so far this year. Traditionally the average first baseman hits about .880 (Cirillo-Young). Maybe I should double check my methodology. Sounds like work. Alternate: Bagwell, .839.

Second Base

Cora's not terrible. Sue me (no, don't). And you certainly could pay more for an average second-bagger with fan appeal (just ask the Cubs). Li'l Joey's still my poster boy for the campaign for decent defensive statistics. Let's look past Easley's excellent year and check out Todd Walker. The boy is making Chuck Knoblauch look stupid. Walker's OPS is .917 (!), he's getting on base and hitting for extra bases, and totally unheralded. How many times do you hear Gammons frying up his fish, huh? Never. Alternates: Quilvio Veras at .725, Eric Young at .730.

Shortstop

Desi Relaford's no Rey Ordonez...yet. But there's nothing in Relaford's career to indicate his run so far is anything but blind luck, so don't get too stuck on him as the heart of the all-average lineup. It's interesting to look at the stats and see the old-school crop of overrated players continuing their drop (Mike Bordick, fork, poke) while the Nomar-Alex-Derek power triumvate makes them look like the complete stiffs they are. Alternates: Edgar Renteria at .696, Neifi Perez at .711.

Third Base

Valentin's a decent enough third baseman, but that .740 sure would look better in with the shortstops. I would place the average a bit higher, at about the Travis Fryman level. Alternates: Todd Zeile at .722, Ron Coomer at .746.

Left Field

While Gonzalez is a good match, Dante Bichette is almost as good. The fact that his Coorsified stats are still league-average should tell you something (hint: he's not that good). Interesting to note is that Jose, for all his hype (which is what you get for putting up Media Stats) isn't even average, Gant and Hollandsworth are the really bad name players (.715 and .708 respectively), and Greg Vaughn (1.000) appears to be possesed by an alien again. Alternates: Henry Rodriguez (.847), Gregg Jeffries (.822).

Center Field

Andruw won't be here for long. People seem to forget he's only 16 (sez ESPN) and already a major-league average center fielder. Since we can predict steady improvement until he has his career year at 27, we should see Andruw break Maris' record in 2004, when he reaches base 50% of the time and compiles a .800 slugging percentage while still improving at age 22! He should steal more bases, too. Alternates: Darren Lewis (.793), Quinton McCracken (arrr! he be hittin' .791).

Right Field

How about Garret Anderson, huh? Woo-whee. And Stan Javier makes Glenallen Hill look good (hitting, hitting). Who cares about right field, anyway? What a bunch of lamers. I mean, Matt Stairs is okay, and I like Ben Grieve, but other than that I don't like 95% of these guys. Juan? I'll score you*. Sosa? What the hell is he doing with this start? Tony Gwynn? Oh, he's jovial all right, until he burns down your ancestral home over some innocous comment you make about his 'hollow' career average. David Justice? What happened to being a 'most beautiful' person? Did Halle Berry take you for that, too? And Paul O'Neill, he of the contract extension - if backup catcher John Marzano can kick you around the field like an old dog, so can I**. Is right field the domain of the arrogant idiot? "Sir, I notice your bicep measurement exceeds your IQ. Do you think you can play a ball off the carom?" "The power is here!" "Great, I'll pencil you in." My softball team could beat an all-RF lineup and send them to the showers crying for their mothers like the big bitches they are.

* not a challenge
** also not a challenge

Executive Summary

Many players are average or about average. Of players who are closest to average, Will Clark is the best.

Derek Zumsteg is now resting comfortably under heavy sedation in the "Can't Stand Juan Gonzalez" wing of a fine state mental facility. Offer him some meds at dmz@strikethree.com.