The Awful-Star Game

Dave Paisley

Ken Griffey Jr., Greg Maddux, Mark McGwire, Juan Gonzalez, Alex Rodriguez. No question, these guys belong on the All-Star teams. Easy as pie to make that call. Let the rest of the guys head out to play golf, and relax at the beach with the wife and kids.

But don't you get a little tired of the big names showing up all the time? Even they do. Griffey complained mightily last year that he was giving up any semblance of a break by heading to the All-Star Game. All that travel time to get there early for the home run derby, just to get booed by an ungrateful mob of Cleveland fans for hitting only three homers. This year he's decided to skip the pre-game day festivities.

What if all of the All-Stars decided to bag it? What if we turned the game on its head and picked the worst everyday players for the all-star game? We'd have to change the name, of course. Let's call it the Awful-Star game. The ground rules for selection are simple: A player must be the worst everyday player at his position, based on performance to date this year. He must have played enough to qualify for the batting title or ERA title, or at least be very close. Extra credit is given for being a multi-year veteran and for being fairly well recognized. Ozzie Guillen would be a natural for this, except he doesn't have enough playing time to qualify.

I've combed the rosters, dusted off the stat sites and humbly present the first annual Awful-Star game rosters. Here's how the position players match up:

American League							National League
Pos	Name	Team	OBP	SLG	AVG	OPS	Pos	Name	Team	OBP	SLG	AVG	OPS
C	Flaherty	TB	.244	.255	.160	.499	C	Ausmus	Hou	.337	.326	.220	.663
1B	Giambi	Oak	.359	.398	.271	.757	1B	Snow	SF	.269	.261	.183	.530
2B	Cora	Sea	.318	.329	.248	.647	2B	Womack	Pit	.305	.281	.246	.586
3B	Randa	Det	.335	.337	.245	.672	3B	Orie	ChN	.241	.282	.181	.523
SS	Gonzalez	Tor	.258	.335	.227	.593	SS	Ordonez	NYM	.261	.280	.238	.541
LF	Carter	Bal	.303	.386	.255	.689	LF	Stynes	Cin	.337	.369	.267	.706
CF	Cruz	Tor	.308	.295	.205	.603	CF	Finley	SD	.272	.372	.225	.644
RF	Anderson, G.	Ana	.288	.412	.253	.700	RF	Brede	Az	.306	.354	.229	.660
DH	Molitor	Min	.332	.354	.273	.686
				Average		.650					Average		.607

At catcher, the American League has both good and bad news. The good news is that John Flaherty was custom-designed for this team. The bad news is that he's injured and may not be be able to start. We've got Mike Sweeney and Joe Girardi warming up just in case. The real weak spot in the AL line up is at first, where there just isn't a quality candidate. Giambi is having an off year, but just not off enough for my liking. A quality slump by Tony Clark or Ron Coomer, and we may have a better candidate. Meanwhile, at 1B for the NL we have a J.T. Snow, who is paying dearly to the law of averages for his great season last year.

One fun fact at 2B is that Joey Cora is (probably briefly) leading the All-Star voting at second for the AL, when he is clearly the best candidate for this team. There's that name recognition (and Seattle ballot-box stuffing) for you. Tony Womack promises to be a fixture on this team for years to come, as does Rey Ordonez. Now there's a middle infield to conjure with (but not hit with.)

the AL outfield is a joy to behold, with the aging Joe Carter, Jose Cruz Jr., who is rapidly becoming Joe Carter Lite, and the perennially overrated Garrett Anderson. Even though it's an NL year, we shouldn't pass up the opportunity to note that Paul Molitor should have hung up the spikes a couple of years ago.

The NL outfield is a no-name crew that isn't really a match for its AL counterpart.

And on to the pitching staffs:

American League						National League
Starting Pitching
Pos	Name	Team	IP	HR	ERA	Pos	Name	Team	IP	HR	ERA
SP	Witt	Tex	54.1	10	7.62	SP	Astacio	Col	66.2	12	7.83
SP	Oliver	Tex	52.2	9	6.66	SP	Vazquez	Mon	59.0	10	6.25
SP	Navarro	ChA	60.0	10	6.15	SP	Grace	Phi	53.2	6	5.87
SP	Nagy	Cle	69.1	19	5.84	SP	Hamilton	SD	75.2	7	5.23
SP	Johnson	Sea	72.1	9	5.47	SP	Valdes	LA	67.1	11	5.48
Average			61.5	11	6.34	Average			64.1	9	6.13
Relief Pitching
RP	Escobar	Tor	10.2	3	12.66	RP	Wagner	Mil	39.1	5	5.49
RP	Slocumb	Sea	22.1	4	10.48	RP	Bottenfield	Stl	28.1	3	6.04
RP	Montgomery	KC	17.2	6	7.64	RP	Wohlers	Atl	12.0	2	5.25
RP	Eckersley	Bos	18.0	3	7.5	RP	Heredia	Fla	26.1	1	6.15
RP	Ayala	Sea	26.1	4	7.18	RP	Mercedes	Mil	32.0	5	6.75
Average			18.1	4	9.092	Average			27.1	3	5.94
Pitching Average					7.26	Pitching Average					6.07

We have some excellent starters here, with big name recognition in the AL. Surprisingly, we have two of the Texas rotation whose records have escaped serious injury so far due to the phenomenal Texas hitting. Then comes the "ace" of the White Sox staff, the "ace" of the Cleveland staff, and the "ace" of the Mariner staff. Quite a lineup to have a combined ERA of over 6.

The NL starters are a less flamboyant bunch, but we do have Ismael Valdes and Joey Hamilton, neither of whom has lived up expectations this year. Although Astacio is in there, I'll cut him some slack for pitching in Colorado.

The AL relief corps naturally features the Seattle bullpen prominently. Slocumb and Ayala, along with the now-released Tony Fossas, make up a triple threat that has proved a six run lead going into the ninth can never be considered "enough." Eckersley, Escobar and Montgomery make handy backups, just in case Slocumb and Ayala accidentally record an out.

The NL pen is a highly desirable mixture of youth and experience. We have Mark Wohlers, perennial Atlanta bullpen whipping boy along with promising youngsters like Felix Heredia. There's a distinct aroma of roasting hops in that bullpen, with all the Milwaukee influence.

So there you have it. I'm sure this game would be just as much fun to watch as the All-Star game. Hitters who can't hit their way out of wet paper bags, and pitchers who would be best off throwing wet paper bags up to the plate.

Just saying the name "Kelvim Escobar" sends Dave Paisley into spasms of uncontrollable laughter. See how he reacts to "Ugueth Urbina" at drdjp@strikethree.com.