Salaries and Dark Thoughts

Derek Zumsteg

You'll often hear your local blowhard complain about "those millionaires wanting us to build them a ballpark". People complain they don't want to see millionaires play baseball, that they're so vastly overpaid compared to teachers, doctors, and other useful members of society.And to this I say: Pah.

Ken Griffey, Jr. is my pick for the best player in baseball. He's paid about eight million dollars to be the best player in baseball. This entails playing 162 games, spring training, hitting homers in Mariner playoff losses, grueling exhibition games in Zebulon, in addition to signing autographs and a great deal of charity work that's expected of him but not talked about much. Out of the 500 million people in the baseball-playing world, only one can play baseball like Griffey. In Seattle, millions cheer him in person and on local TV over the course of a year. On the road he's a marquee draw. Worth eight million? I think so.But in the world of baseball salaries, worth often doesn't have much to do with it. Perception is everything, and for some reason athletes, particularly baseball athletes, are scorned. But check this out:

"Rich Guy"	Salary	How He Earned It
Bill Clinton	$.4M	Leader of the Free World
Tom Clancy	$5M	Attaching his name to 'Op Center' books he doesn't write
Ken Griffey Jr.	$8M	Best Player in Baseball
Jim Carrey	$20M	Acted in Cable Guy
Arnold Schwartzenegger	$25M	"Acted" in Batman and Robin
Andre Harrel	$30M	Fiddled while Motown Records burned
Mike Ovitz	$130M	Spent a year at Disney, fired
Bill Gates	$1,000+M	Stole other peoples' ideas, crushed competitors

But does that Pabst-drinking fool ever turn to you during the CNBC Market wrap-up and bitch about the salaries of business people or terrible actors? I'll bet he doesn't. No one ever threatens to boycott movies because they think actors are overpaid. And it doesn't appear that people vote based on salary, because Bill Clinton, Greatest President in Two Decades and Then Some, doesn't get paid squat for throwing a strike on Opening Day.

I think part of the problem is that people who enjoy baseball and other sports and can go out on Sunday and play a game themselves. But being a world leader or a movie star is something people consider another class. Here's what I don't understand: I can play baseball competently at the 'never in organized ball' level, in large part because I'm quick in the field. I don't harbor any illusions that I'd be worth anything in the majors except as a defensive replacement for Frank Thomas (or Jose Cruz Jr. Or Glenallen Hill). Do people really believe that anyone can do Ken Griffey, Jr.'s job?Is there a way to calculate worth? I believe there is. Salary is based largely on the scarcity of labor. I barely make over ten dollars an hour at my day job because it's thought that there are a million contractors who could easily replace me. They may do a better or worse job than I do, but to the company that pays me, that's not relevant. Electricians make $100/hour. The billing rate goes up as supply decreases (except for public servants and liberal arts majors), and no one really complains that eye surgeons make too much money. By researching the salaries of similar talent pools (there are approximately 750 major league players at any one time), and figuring attendance, television revenues, and so on, I've determined the average major leaguer should make $1.5M a year. In all seriousness, even the scrubs I make fun of all the time - like Mike Bordick, for instance, who can't hit a lick, doesn't field all that well - deserve the money. They may not deserve as much of it as they get (Mike Piazza justifies his contract easily, while Sammy Sosa comes up far short), but if they can bilk money out of fat cats like Tom Clancy, more power to them.

I'll tell you why players are resented for their salaries: they're minorities. No one complains that executives make too much money because they're all white guys and we're used to seeing rich white guys who are rich for no good reason. So are hugely successful actors and authors. But the baseball players who make it don't meet conventional standards for success. They swagger and don't speak English good like we do. No one ever complained that Sandy Koufax and Ted Williams were all about the money - but often they were. Barry Bonds couldn't buy a break from the media if he used all his money, but no one chases pretty boy Eric Karros (or Garret Anderson, or Mike Bordick) around and badgers them about sucking it up. You see a pattern emerging? Playing baseball is regarded, somehow, as a physical activity, where only the white players know the mental side and can move into baseball management. This is patent bullshit, the worst kind of subtle patronization that makes the world an ugly and angry place.What can be done about it? If you're up to it, pressure your local club to hire minorities in management and especially in the broadcast booths. Maybe debate people who think players are paid too much, patiently, with facts, until they say 'Yeah, well, I guess,' and stop their whining. What baseball needs now, more than ever, is to open itself to the world and the last thing we need is all-white owners hiring all-white management to kiss their all-white ass. It's time to respect ballplayers for what they do, and stop bitching when the stick it to The Man.

Derek Zumsteg writes at least as well as Tom Clancy, and is working on ghostwriting Clancy's next novel, "Generic International Intrigue". Pre-order at dmz@strikethree.com.