Dartboard Of Fate

Michael Cox

It's the sports version of the "silly season" again - MLB prediction time, and what fun we've been having right here at Strikethree.com Towers, reading the plentiful pundits as they pensively prognosticate and pompously pontificate until the public pukes. Well, break out the emergency supply of airsick bags and assume the crash-landing position, because the predictions are about to go down as thick as Jimy Williams' praise of Mark Lemke.

In a couple of days you'll be treated to some more specific predictions (can't divulge specifics, but Pete Incaviglia's name will be invoked for cheap yuks) but here and now we get down to the business of the bigger picture: the horse race that is the team standings.

Right now I will tell you two things which are for certain: A team nobody (except that city's beat writers) expected to do anything will make it to the playoffs, and the Braves will win around 100 games. These things would be such easy money that Vegas won't even offer a line on them (go ahead - check!). Everything else is divining rods and my favorite executive decision maker, the Magic 8-Ball.

National League

East
1. Atlanta - Chapter V, in which the Boys O' Chop again waste their time winning 100 games, only to have it come to naught in the postseason.

2. New York - Without Atlanta, this division would be the NL Central II. The Mets have the advantages of youth's resilience, but won't challenge until Hundley is healthy, the rotation is robust and they can figure out a way to get the Braves to want Rey Ordonez.

3. Montreal - With any other manager, they'd be dead last. Felipe Alou has some serious good juju on his side, though, and you don't mess with mystical things like that.

4. Philadelphia - They're trying to rebuild now, and they can begin to miss Nails now that it looks like he's finally gone away. They'll still generally suck wind (haven't heard much from the "free agent fan" lately, have we?), but at least it'll be good healthy wind.

5. Florida - The only guy who still seems to want to play here is Livan Hernandez, and that and a dollar-fifty will buy you a short latte.

Central
1. St. Louis - Because they have a reasonable team in an unbearably bad division. Any more injuries, however, and they're looking up at Houston.

2. Houston - The Astros confuse me. they're picking up Moises Alou, then they're trying to get rid of Biggio. Their pitching staff is suspect, which keeps them behind LaRussa's Kids.

3. Chicago - The Cubbies will make it a closer race than you might think, due to the fact that they've actually been acquiring good players for a change. The fact that the division's terrible helps, too.

4. Milwaukee - Moving to the NL means nothing, as only the extreme lameitude of the teams below them keep the Brew Crew this high in the table. When you have to rely on Jaha and Newfield for production, you'd better hope that at least your owner is commissioner.

5. Pittsburgh - In honor of the Pirates' 1998 campaign, I've submitted an RFD for a new Usenet group: rec.sport.baseball.lightning.strike.twice.

6. Cincinnati - Bold prediction: Both expansion teams will have records better than Cincy's. The Reds have gone down the dumper that fast.

West
1. Los Angeles - Rupe will attempt to show fans he'll spend money to make money, and to some extent he actually will. Unfortunately, this will mainly consist of trying to build a football stadium in Chavez Ravine. He won't give up the farm though, and if the Dodger core stays healthy, that's all it will take.

2. San Diego - Another winner in the Great Marlin Giveaway, the Pads will be right up there with the Blue Boys on the strength of their pitching. Like Houston, however, they don't seem to have a direction.

3. Colorado - Dante Bichette is fat. Pitching half the season at 5200 feet is demoralizing to a pitcher. Larry Walker won't repeat his 1997. That can't be good.

4. San Francisco - Riding high on last year's success, the Giants fly too close to the sun and they realize their wings weren't real after all. Plus, a team who won most of their games by one run downgraded their closer.

5. Arizona - Because Tony Batista and Chris Jones do not a franchise make.

Wild Card: San Diego.
NLCS Winner: Atlanta defeats Los Angeles.
MVP: Mark McGwire, St. Louis.
Cy Young: Kevin Brown, San Diego.
Rookie of the Year: Travis Lee, Arizona.
Manager of the Year: Bobby Cox, Atlanta.

American League

East
1. New York - They upgraded both their hitting and pitching during the offseason, and stayed out of the trap of acquiring veterans for "character". They'll win in a walk.

2. Boston - Plus: Pedro Martinez, who will do well but won't repeat his 1997. Minus: Mark Lemke, who will. Nomar's sophomore slump won't help, either. They'll be good, but not great.

3. Toronto - They've been trying to build on the things they did right last year, and only time will truly tell if relying on a young lineup is wise, but I can't say they're doing anything wrong.

4. Baltimore - Joe Carter. Doug Drabek. Ozzie Guillen. Mike Bordick. Norm Charlton. They're trying to corner the market on overrated players, and unfortunately for the Camden Crowd, succeeding.

5. Tampa Bay - Fred McGriff and Paul Sorrento? Wade Boggs? Knuckleballer Dennis Springer - in a dome?? These are the Florida Marlins circa 1993, starring Springer as Charlie Hough.

Central
1. Cleveland - Show me someone who doesn't pick the Tribe in this division and I'll show you someone who forgot their trip to the pharmacy this week.

2. Chicago - No team with Albert Belle and Frank Thomas can be that bad, but they're trying. This year they're attempting to debunk the chemistry myth by adding Wil Cordero. Unfortunately, they may end up debunking the White Sox fan support myth as well.

3. Detroit - Because they're not in the AL East anymore. In fact, if this 1997 Pirates lookalike pulls it all together, they'll pass the pitchingless ChiSox.

4. Kansas City - It's almost as if they're trying to finish last. they'll even fail at that.

5. Minnesota - No pitching, no hitting, no ownership support, no fans. There's no sugar-coating it - this year the Twins will explore new frontiers of suck.

West
1. Seattle - Worrisome note: New hitting coach wants the M's, who scored more runs than even the Martian Goliaths of the Galactic League last year, to try more "situational hitting". Take heart, however: Most of the lineup won't listen. Barring total self-immolation, easy division winners.

2. Anaheim - On one hand, you have Chuck Finley and Tim Salmon and Dave Hollins, and things look good. On the other, you have Cecil Fielder and Ken Hill and Jack McDowell and Gary DiSarcina, and you wonder if the Angels and Orioles are playing some kind of sick game of chicken...

3. Texas - Any team who packs up their season in June (see also White Sox, Chicago) is gonna have a hard time coming back to take it all the next year. Pastime in Arlington: count the games blown by the bullpen while Wetteland is warming up.

4. Oakland - When you fire your pitching coach for quality reasons one week before the season starts, you know you're in trouble. When you hear writers say the A's are "a couple of seasons away from contention," they're just trying to be nice. Unfortunately, the Twins'll steal their #1 draft pick.

Wild card: Boston.
ALCS Winner: Seattle defeats New York.
MVP: Ken Griffey, Jr., Seattle.
Cy Young: Randy Johnson, Seattle.
Rookie of the Year: Ben Grieve, Oakland
Manager of the Year: Joe Torre, New York.

World Series: Mariners defeat Braves, 4 games to 3.

Michael Cox swears he saw Paul Molitor's name and address on a "MAKE MONEY FAST" e-mail a few months back. Prepare five crispy new dollar bills, then write him at mc@strikethree.com.