Getcher 30 cm-Longs Heah!

Dave Paisley

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida - The baseball world reeled today as news came from the owners' meetings that the metric system will be widely adopted by Major League Baseball in 1998. "Some changes are just long overdue," said Commissioner for Life Bud Selig. "Metrication will simplify the calculation of baseball statistics across the board. Math skills have been declining for some time, and we felt we had to do our part to make life easier for the average baseball fan."

Selig outlined the major points of the new metrication plan:

- All distances in ballparks will be measured and displayed in centimeters. Displaying both the metric and English units will be optional in Canada, where the metric system has been in effect for some time. The change means that a 400 ft. home run in 1997 will measure 12,192 cm in 1998. Rumors that IBM, seeking more accurate measurements for it's "Tale of the Tape" program, was behind the change are unconfirmed.

- The new metric equivalent hit will be equivalent to 0.303 current, or "English unit", hits. This radical move means that the long-standard benchmark of hitting for a .300 average will now be a 1.000 average in the metric system. We are unable to confirm that the utility infielder branch of the MLBPA was behind this change.

- The new metric ERA will be based on the new metric run, equivalent to 0.6 old "English unit" runs, and a new basis of six innings rather than the current nine. Selig remarked that the latter change was needed because "starters just don't go nine innings anymore, so there is no point in basing our statistics on that premise." Rumors that Tom Glavine, head of the militant pitching wing of the MLBPA, pushed for the change are unconfirmed.

- In the last major change announced, the new metric walk will be the equivalent of 0.250 current "English unit" walks. When asked for his response to the change, The Orioles' Ozzie Guillen was reported to have responded, "Walk? What's that?"

News of the changes has outraged veterans of the Baseball Writers Association of America. George Inkstain, spokesman for the BBWAA, commented that these changes all but guarantee the retirement of many beat writers whose math skills just aren't up to the task. "You can only teach old dogs so many new tricks," he remarked, "and we used all of ours up learning that game-winning RBI thing they introduced in the eighties."

No official word has been received from the Major League Baseball Players Association, although Donald Fehr was much in evidence during the day. His mood seemed to lighten noticeably when informed that the value of the dollar will be unaffected by the changes.

Selig departed after leveling a scathing indictment at the English people. "The English have never understood baseball, so we felt it was time to cut our ties to an antiquated measurement system."

Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister, reportedly said later that Selig's remarks, "Just aren't cricket."

Dave Paisleyconverts everything to metric by doubling it and adding 30. Arrange to send him a metric 6-pack of 42 beers at drdjp@strikethree.com.