Baseballhead:
The Monkeys are Still Running the Zoo

Michael Cox

Unbeknownst to the MLB owners (mind you, most things are unbeknownst to that particular bunch), strikethree.com has set up a secret hidden microphone in the room in which the owners' meetings are taking place. We had intended to give you a live RealAudio feed of the proceedings, but have you priced RealAudio streams lately?

So instead, here in blue and beige is a portion of the unedited transcript of the Tuesday night session of the Major League Baseball owners' meeting in St. Petersburg, Florida. For those of you without a scorecard, a key to those speaking is at the bottom...

BUD SELIG: Gentlemen, if we would all come to order, there's much to be discussed. It looks like we're all here...hey, wait a minute, who in the h-e-double-hockeysticks are you?

TED TURNER: Someone who can buy and sell you, car salesman.

SELIG: Oh, that's you, Mr. Turner. Glad you could make it for once.

TURNER: Are you kidding? Wouldn't have even had to come this far if I'd have run into Murdoch in the hallway. We'll see if he can write a check with two busted arms...

PETER O'MALLEY: Well, he's not here. He had to leave - said something about "tryouts for Page Three Girls" or something.

SELIG: Anyway, there's lots of business to discuss, and the first thing I'd like to bring up is the search for a commissioner. As I've said before, I really don't want this job on a permanent basis...

BILL GILES: We know, Bud.

SELIG: ...in fact, even if you were to vote right here and now to make me Commissioner for Life, I would have to refuse, erm, probably. Even if you were to all take a vote this very minute...

GILES: Okay, Bud, we get the picture.

SELIG: In fact, why don't you all take a vote this very second, so I can prove to you that it is quite likely that I might not take the job, um, possibly. I'll wait...

JOHN ELLIS: Why don't we move on?

SELIG: No, no, go ahead and vote, so I can think about it for a while, and maybe refuse, eh, at some later date...

(Loud banging is heard outside the room)

TURNER: What in tarnation...?

RICHARD JACOBS: That's Marge. She wants back in.

SELIG: No way, Jose. She messed up again when she did that...you know, that car...thing.

GILES: What?

SELIG: You know, that...car thing. Where she did something, you know, at her car dealership. It was wrong.

JERRY REINSDORF: And if my bud Bud says she was wrong, she was wrong. We can't have people doing, uh, wrong things when they're representing MLB.

KEVIN McCLATCHY: Speaking of wrong, how's Albert, Jerry? Still making us other owners look bad with your salary-range-raising bonus baby?

REINSDORF: D'oh.

JOHN HARRINGTON: Zzzzzzz...

O'MALLEY: C'mon, guys! I wanna sell my team!

TURNER: Not while I still have corpuscles, Dodger Dog-breath.

(There's a knock at the door)

MIKE ILITCH: That'll be Randy Levine. I sent him to Little Caesar's for some Crazy Bread.

LEVINE: Here you go. Here you go.

SELIG: You tried reopening the collective bargaining agreement yet, Levine?

LEVINE: No sir. Since you guys tried to renege on the deal I negotiated a couple of years back, every time Don Fehr sees me, he starts laughing his head off.

PETER ANGELOS: That's okay, because I like giving the players the money they deserve.

McCLATCHY: Yeah, like you have to worry where it's coming from, Mr. Camden Cash Cow...

SELIG: C'mon, Kevin. You're still making money. We all are...well, except maybe Mr. Hoffman and Mr. Pohlad there, but their teams suck. The rest of us are doing fine!

REINSDORF: Buu-uud! The ess-pray is right out there in the all-hay...!

SELIG: Alright, alright. Well, we'd all be fine and competitive if we had reasonable revenue-sharing.

GEORGE STEINBRENNER: Why the hell should I give any of my hard-won Yankee cash to you sorry bastards anyway? It's my right to keep it.

CLAUDE BROCHU: Wha'? You would have driven ze Yankees into ze ground zhust like your sheepbeeldeeng beesness eef eet were posseeble. You should be askeeng me eef I want fries with that...

STEINBRENNER: (Lunging over the table at Brochu) I'll get you, you damn foreigner!!

BROCHU: I have been waiteeng for thees for a long time! Eet feest, you glorified parkeeng lot attendant!

TURNER: We don't say "foreign", George, we say "international"...

REINSDORF: Hey Bud! Quick, while everyone's distracted, bring up realignment again!

HARRINGTON: Zzzzzzzzzz...

As you can see, it takes a while to get business done at these things.

Next episode: The Boys of MLB attempt to order Chinese.

Key to the dramatis personae:

BUD SELIG: Owner of the Milwaukee Brewers and "acting" Commissioner of baseball.
TED TURNER: Media mogul, wrasslin' fan, Atlanta Braves owner and sworn enemy of Rupert Murdoch.
RUPERT MURDOCH: Even bigger media mogul than Turner and future owner of the Dodgers.
PETER O' MALLEY: Current owner of the Dodgers. No, really, that's all he is. He doesn't own Burger King or Norway or anything.
BILL GILES: Phillies owner, from a baseball family.
JOHN ELLIS: Owner of the Seattle Mariners, former head of a power company.
RICHARD JACOBS: Owner of the Cleveland Indians, real estate developer.
JERRY REINSDORF: Owner, Chicago White Sox and Bulls.
KEVIN McCLATCHY: Newspaper heir and Pirates owner.
JOHN HARRINGTON: Manager of the Yawkey Foundation, the trust that owns the Red Sox.
MIKE ILITCH: Owner of Little Caesar's Pizza and the Tigers! Tigers!
RANDY LEVINE: Head of Labor Relations for MLB.
PETER ANGELOS: Owner of the Orioles and former labor boss.
CLAUDE BROCHU: Owner of the Expos, and nobody seems to recall what he does for a living.
GEORGE STEINBRENNER: Well, he's George Steinbrenner. Let's just leave it at that.

Michael Cox wishes he could own an MLB club so that he could make goofy faces at Jerry Reinsdorf for hours at a time. Help him towards that goal by making a pledge to buy a luxury box at mc@strikethree.com.