Don't Cry For Me, Derek Jeter

Erik Lundegaard

The fact is this: The New York Yankees are in the World Series again after a semi-dramatic, bottom-of-the-11th-inning home run by midseason pickup Aaron Boone.

The question is this: Why were they crying?

Did you see them on the field after the home run? Some leapt for joy (Derek Jeter, who has a propensity for leaping for joy); others actually collapsed to the ground (Mariano Rivera); and then, led by their manager, Joe Torre, the tears began to well up in those overpaid Yankee eyes and had to be wiped away.

Because, you see, it had been so long since the Yankees made it to the World Series. Why, they hadn't gone all of last year. Can you imagine? To find a time when the New York Yankees were actually in the World Series you'd have to travel way back to 2001, when the War on Terror had just begun, a dozen eggs cost $2.36, and the number-one-rated TV show was something called "Friends." No wonder they were crying.

The ones who should be crying, of course - besides baseball fans everywhere - are the executives at FOX Sports. Ratings have been way, way up this postseason, because of the possibility of the Chicago Cubs (last World Series title: 1908) or the Boston Red Sox (last World Series title: 1918) making it to the World Series; maybe - oh my God, just maybe - against one another. Imagine that.

Instead we got to imagine this: the New York Yankees vs. the Florida Marlins. A team that always wins (39 pennants, 26 World Championships) versus a young, personalityless franchise that already has a title. And because of the way that title was assembled (quickly, with money), and the way it was disassembled (promptly, for lack of profits), a bad taste was left in the mouth. 1997 was an embarrassing blip of a title. Now the blip is back. The kids are young and fun to watch, the manager is old and wily, but the only fans less deserving are in the Bronx. As Clint Eastwood told us in "Unforgiven," however, "Deserve's got nothing to do with it."

Baseball writers are already calling this one of the great postseasons. They're wrong. There's an Old Testament cruelty to it. There's a symmetry that's positively sadistic. The Cubs and Red Sox were each in the following situation: five outs away from the World Series, holding a strong three-run lead, with a Cy Young candidate on the mound and nobody on base for the bad guys. Then things fell apart.

The Marlins clobbered Mark Prior and the Cubs bullpen, while Boston manager Grady Little inexplicably refused to pull Pedro until the game was tied. At that point it was only a matter of time before the Yankees won. That's why Aaron Boone's home run was only semi-dramatic. Once the game went into extra innings, the conversation around my television set was simply "Which Yankee do you least want to be the hero?" Tim chose Karim Garcia, Mike chose Jason Giambi, I went with everyone's favorite ballerina, Derek Jeter.

That's all baseball fans can hope for these days: that the least-annoying Yankee will be the hero. So in some ways, Aaron Boone was a blessing.

Should we go into the why? Dare we tread that turf again? Why always the Yankees? Why never the Cubs or BoSox or ChiSox? Or Indians or Astros or Expos or Mariners? There's the Curse of the Babe, the Goat, Shoeless Joe. Postgame, my neighbor knocked on my door and plaintively informed me, "There is no God," but lately I've been toying with a different explanation.

In computer programming there's something called hard-coding. In video sports games, for example, in a basketball sports game, for example, you need to create a simulation engine which more or less acts as a real season would: Lakers on top, Nuggets not so much. If, however, the programmer writes lousy code, and maybe hasn't worked out his algorithms properly, and the Lakers don't do well and lesser teams do, he might hard-code the teams to ensure a realistic result. So even if you put the same players on both the Lakers and Nuggets, the Lakers will always do better. Always.

This is what I think happened to Major League Baseball. God is a lousy programmer who writes bad code. Years ago - in the twenties perhaps - He hard-coded the Yankees to win and then let the simulation engine run. And it's still running. And He's forgotten all about it.

This is just one theory, mind you, and it doesn't explain away the Old Testament cruelty to this postseason (yes, no, yes, no...no...NO!). But no matter the explanation, the inevitability of the Yankees winning was always there. So dry your eyes, Joe Torre; quit prancing about, Derek Jeter; get up off the ground, Mariano Rivera. Win, if you must (and you must), but please do us the favor of not acting surprised.

about the author

Erik Lundegaard writes for Mariners fan magazine The Grand Salami, where he regularly mentions the demise of the original Portland Beavers just to make Rob Neyer cry. No crude sausage-related jokes, please, at el@strikethree.com.