Baseballhead:
All-Star Blame

Michael Cox

Today, for the first time ever, the Major League Baseball All-Star Game actually really counts. It's for real this time. They're finally bearing down and actually trying. No more slacking, these players are getting off their fat asses at last. Honest. Now if we can only convince Tim McCarver to not try so hard...

While the award of World Series turf to the victor will give the impression that fans actually care who wins the Midsummer Classic, there are other goals to be achieved today. These goals differ only slightly for myself and Commissioner-for-life Bud Selig: I want Selig to not embarrass the game like he's done the last two years running, and he wants fans to not want to throw crap at him.

Last year's rain of trash in Selig's hometown was the real reason for his desperation move of attaching a stipulation with playoff implications to an exhibition game. What Selig doesn't realize is that fans (among others) simply don't like him—they just needed a reason to throw stuff. The day before his game-stretching indecision that made the 2002 tie even worse, Selig was booed by his fellow citizens while presenting the trophy after Milwaukee's Home Run Derby. (He was conspicuous by his absence from the trophy ceremony yesterday.)

And Selig stopped the 2001 All-Star Game dead (and I do mean dead) in the middle for a ponderously long ceremony, basically to wish Cal Ripken Jr. a happy retirement, and including the also-retiring Tony Gwynn almost as an afterthought. Even with last-minute Zito replacement Roger Clemens adamant about his retirement after this season, don't expect a repeat there, either.

Selig made a telling statement this week after players, most notably Bret Boone, criticized the Commish during the All-Star festivities. Boone even went as far as to dare question the wisdom of having a commissioner who is also an owner, to which Selig replied:

People commenting, particularly on things they have no clue is just not worth responding. I know a bunch of people who would be glad to rip a lot of people. The guy who's paying his way into the ballpark, frankly, doesn't care.

A delusional statement at best, considering the guy who's paying his way into the ballpark has been roundly booing Selig for a good 18 months now. The guy who's paying his way into the ballpark was lobbing spittle and recyclables at Selig only one year ago. The guy who's paying his way into the ballpark is not paying his way into the park quite as often as he was last year (especially in Selig's home town, where the team'd be blaming the plunge on their decrepit ballpark if it hadn't just been built).

So what's next for the guy responsible for making the All-Star Game "count"? Why not give a Wild Card spot to the team whose player wins the Home Run Derby? Or the number-one draft pick to the organization whose prospect wins the Futures Game? If there's one thing I can't stand, it's Jason Giambi dogging it in the second round of the Derby and those damn kids taking double helpings from the clubhouse buffets.

Then we can spread the "counting" to individual games. Each team can bet one run on the winner of the dot race. A pool on the number of times the home plate ump blames a bad call on Questec could pay off one free ninth-inning out. Each time a guy behind the plate talks on a cell phone and waves, first team to pummel him senseless gains one game in the standings. The possibilities are endless—and when everything "counts," games will be more important, right?

Speaking of the Home Run Derby, it was actually exciting this year, with Albert Pujols supplying heaps of drama by managing to outslug Giambi in the second round, then pulling within one homer of Garret Anderson in the final before coming up just a few feet short. The Derby did seem to have an additional wrinkle this year, as several times some overzealous teen ball-shaggers attempted to rob the hitters with leaping catches at the wall. All that was missing was a bunch of Padres to yell at Pujols for watching his drives.

Speaking of walls, about the only visible results of the renovation that turned New Comiskey Park into US Cellular Field were new auxiliary scoreboards and even more blue paint. I can report with great certainty that the upper deck has not been lowered.

Things I don't need to see in a celebrity softball game: Adam Carolla dry-humping Jimmy Kimmel, and gratuitous Disney/ABC cross-promotion via not only putting the latest Bachelor on a team, but also "spontaneously" plucking his new fiancee from the crowd to pitch to him.

Things that were cool: Seeing that Rollie Fingers is more spry than some of the participants half his age, Bo Jackson using a heavily pine-tarred bat "in honor of my man George Brett," and the umpire allowing it on the grounds that so coated, the bat won't fly out of his hands and hurt anybody.

Things that made me go "huh?": They're playing with gloves...they're playing without gloves...they're playing with gloves. Both managers wore Seattle jerseys (Kenny Mayne a Pilots top, and former Mariner Harold Reynolds his alma mater's togs). And what, no Meat Loaf?

Oh, and a quick note to Alex Rodriguez: I could give a rat's ass whether your fellow players voted you the best-dressed guy in the game, wearing sunglasses on top of a backwards baseball cap makes you look like a dork.

The other Selig-related topic of the week was the non-issue of Randall Simon's playful interaction with a Milwaukee "sausage racer" last Wednesday. Everyone, from Simon to the healthy 19-year-old girl in the sausage suit to most sportswriters, treated the incident with the appropriate gravity, meaning they laughed about it. The girl, explaining that the soft half-swing simply pushed an already top-heavy, unbalanced costume, just wanted the bat (preferably autographed). SportsCenter showed clips of mascot abuse much worse than the event at Miller Park.

But Selig and his agents, never wanting to pass up a chance to look like doofuses in public, went ballistic. First, they had Simon arrested and pressed battery charges, which were later withdrawn after it was clear that even the "victim," Mandy Block, didn't want any part of it.

Then, in the overstatement of the century (keep in mind it's a pretty young century) Brewers executive vice-president Rick Schlesinger made me wonder whether I saw the same incident (23 times, many in slow-motion) as he did:

It's an insane act of a person whose conduct is unjustifiable...This is one of the most outrageous things I've ever seen inside a ballpark or outside a ballpark. It sickened me to see it. I can't put into words the anger I feel and the sense of outrage I have.

There's nothing like a baseball executive taking a small incident and turning it into a heinous act which should make families wary of attending a sporting event where another such incident could potentially occur. Beware! Stay Away! Our sport contains insane people deliberately injuring innocent citizens! Oooooooo!

And if you've never seen anything like that outside a ballpark, you don't get out much. People get pushed every day.

Selig obviously agreed with the sickening assessment, immediately suspending Simon for three games and fining him $2000. (In contrast, Lou Piniella suffered no official penalty for throwing his glove hard and with intent at the San Diego Chicken in 1979.)

Hey, Bud! The "victim" has words for you!

It just seems ridiculous to me—a big sausage getting hit by a bat causes all this controversy. It's such a silly little thing, you know?...I'm just a sausage, guys. It's not a big deal. I'm fine.

Mandy Block is obviously smarter than Bud Selig. Mandy Block for commissioner.

about the author

Michael Cox thinks falling bratwursts should be a highlight of every sausage race. Accuse him of just loving to say "bratwurst" at mc@strikethree.com.