Baseballhead:
Boy, Did They Say It

Michael Cox

Welcome back to Baseballhead, where our scientific studies have concluded that Randy Johnson's deodorant commercial kicks the crap out of Jason Giambi's deodorant commercial.

Every so often here at Baseballhead we like to interrupt our regularly scheduled editorializin' with some sage wisdom quoted verbatim from the mouths of actual newsmakers, newstakers and newsbreakers (our sincerest apologies to Pat Benatar). We then follow them with, uh, editorializin'.

Let's see what the good folks of MLB had to say this week...

The Art Of The Backhanded Compliment:

"Roger supplied most of the power. I was just trying to get the (bat) there." — Devil Rays 3B Damian Rolls, who previously had two career MLB homers, explaining his two-dinger game Monday vs. Roger Clemens.

Bubba Got In Free, And He Gets To Spend The Night:

"Spend the afternoon with Jose at his house in south Florida! Round trip limousine service from local airport included. Price includes one guest 17 & under. (If you would like to bring another adult please select product DaywithJoseX2 ).Transportation to and from south Florida or accomodations not included." — From josecanseco.com, Jose Canseco's official web site.

"Jose's only statement to me was, 'But I do take this seriously. I can't believe how this is spinning.'" — Canseco's attorney, Jayne Weintraub, regarding the fact that after violating his probation by testing positive for steroids, right now fans would have to spend the afternoon with Jose in a Miami jail.

Someone Suddenly Woke Up And Found Himself In A Marlins Uniform:

"Sometimes in our business the messenger gets shot." — Agent Jeff Moorad, who was fired by Ivan Rodriguez after apparently saying, "Hey Pudge, you suck."

John Henry* Didn't Have This Problem:

"The umpires say they're not consistent with the Questec machine in the ballpark, and that's the bottom line." — Curt Schilling, presumably while wearing his "I (heart) Umpires" t-shirt.

Don't Make Me Turn This Ballpark Around:

"My message is for everybody-we need some kind of performance from everyone." — Tigers manager Alan Trammell, in a message that translated into English means "Heeeeelllp meeeeeee!"

Ripped From The Pages Of The Pro Sports Team Owner's Manual, Page 148:

"I've tried to be a good owner, and I consider Joe Torre to be a good friend. I support him totally and will not be critical of Joe in any way." — George Steinbrenner, officially starting the clock on the media's Torre Watch.

"Did I Say All-Star Break? I Meant Labor Day":

"Come the All-Star break, if we're in this thing, then you conclude that we're in the pennant race. I've always said I would be willing to make some short-term commitments if we've got a chance to win something." — Royals owner David Glass.

"I'm talking to a lot of teams." — Royals GM Allard Baird, referring to his attempts to trade Carlos Beltran, a player who might make an excellent short-term commitment for a team with a chance to win something at the All-Star break.

Believe It Or Not, This Is Not Taken Out Of Context:

"...But it's a long season, and anything can happen. Like a round of golf, which has two nine-hole halves, baseball's season has two halves." — ESPN's Joe Morgan, who has apparently caught Peter Gammons' senility.

Maybe If It Was Recorded In Doubly:

"You are always looking to make your club better short-term and long-term, and help yourself financially. But sometimes it depends on what order those are in." — Rangers manager Buck Showalter, bringing this information to light about three years too late.

Comedy Is Not Pretty:

"The best practical joke? Tell a teammate they're traded to the Devil Rays." — Roger Clemens, reading a David Letterman "top ten" list.

"You guys have some news coming. The Yankees are going to announce an apology for what Roger Clemens said about us on the David Letterman show." — Devil Rays owner Vince Naimoli, who apparently prefers Leno.

"I had a private conversation with [D-Rays GM] Chuck [LaMar] that obviously is no longer private, so that's fine. It doesn't matter to me, I guess." — Yankees GM Brian Cashman, treating the issue with the respect it deserves.

"Good nickname: Rocket. Bad nickname: Lard-Ass." — Clemens, from the same list. At press time, he has not publicly demanded an apology from himself.

(* — By "John Henry," we don't mean the one who we thought was cool when he bought the Marlins and said he'd build a ballpark with his own money, then agreed to stop saying that if Bud Selig let him buy the Red Sox. We mean the one with the hammer.)

about the author

Michael Cox once said, "show me a pastrami on rye without spicy mustard, and I'll show you a knuckle sandwich." Send Xanax to mc@strikethree.com.