Baseballhead:
Fans Gone Wild

Michael Cox

Just when we thought our society wasn't spiraling out of control (last I heard America had the greatest civilization ever on the face of the Earth, but then again I was watching Country Music Television when I heard it), those maniac fans have once again placed us in the handbasket to Hell.

Of course, I'm referring to last Tuesday's "attack" on umpire Laz Diaz by a fan who admitted he just wanted to be noticed (is that so wrong?). Instantly picked up by every nationwide news outlet, tongues have wagged incessantly ever since, condemning society, MLB, and whoever overturned Prohibition.

First, to call the incident an "attack" is a great example of the media at its most idiotic. Eyewitnesses pretty much agree that the sequence of events was as follows:

1. Fan runs on field.
2. Fan more or less falls near Diaz.
3. Fan gets ass kicked.

Diaz probably endured less pain and suffering than George Brett did when he was mauled by Morganna The Kissing Bandit. On the other hand, most news photos of the "attacker" show him with his head heavily bandaged and his shirt spattered with his own blood.

And among all the talking (and typing) heads who have their own theories on What Baseball Must Do To Prevent This From Ever Happening Again, not one has pointed out that the very best deterrent may well be exactly what happened to that fan last Tuesday: getting beaten bloody by steroid-crazed athletes.

Forget screens in front of the seating area (such a move would increase demand for my upper-deck seats, increasing my ticket price) or abolishing beer (it'll never happen, and it's stupid). Advertise the fact that if you rush the field every player, coach and umpire has the right to stomp a mudhole in you. MLB should offer to pick up any and all legal costs for players who beat up trespassing fans. It's cheaper than the alternatives, and it'd sure keep me off the field.

Above all else, I beg of you: anytime you start thinking that fans today have somehow become worse than ever, remember Cleveland's 10-cent Beer Night. Laz Diaz and his wrinkled pant legs has nothing on Nestor Chylak, who was hit with a chair on that night in 1974. A freakin' chair.

Take that, modern wussies.

Call For Mr. Everett: Another "when fans attack" moment occurred in Oakland on Saturday, when someone actually managed to accurately lob their cell phone at Carl Everett. While I know a lot of fans might identify with the sentiment, only an idiot would choose to directly draw Everett's wrath. The fact that he didn't climb into the stands and snap the fan like a twig speaks volumes for the kinder, gentler Everett.

Of course, afterward Everett did go off on fans in general, and more importantly, he pressed charges against the poor phone-throwing sap. Now that's how you do it. (Not known is whether charges against Everett will be pressed by an A's employee whom Everett hit with the phone when he threw it back over the outfield wall.)

However, the most amazing thing about the incident is that it didn't take place on Dollar Night.

Who's The Boss?: In the midst of a great Yankee start (might want to save some for the postseason this year, boys), this week we got to see a little classic Steinbrenner. After this year's cherished free agent Jose Contreras began the season by, er, sucking, Da Boss made the executive decision to send him to Tampa, despite the fact that Joe Torre had already told Contreras he was going to AAA Columbus.

Of course, Steinbrenner's need to punish ("Bad Yankee! Bad, bad Yankee!!") comes before the team's need to allow Contreras to polish his skills. It just does. However, this can't help when it comes time to convince Torre to stick around. In general, the best managers are in fact not so much managers as therapists, and Torre's even temper has helped keep a potentially fractious team from killing each other.

No doubt Steinbrenner will move to smooth out Torre's visibly ruffled feathers, but the team is where it is because Da Boss has kept his meddling to the front-office level, and the more he's messed with the on-field personnel the farther from a championship his team has finished.

So, this personal message to George: keep it up, buddy!

Take a Picture, It'll Last Longer: I always make sure to watch Baseball Tonight when I see the Cardinals were involved in a beanball incident, because Tony La Russa consistently manages to invent new and innovative reasons why the other team behaved inappropriately. The man was born to be an NFL coach, but I'm kinda glad he missed his calling.

Yesterday it was the D-Backs' Miguel Batista, who hit Tino Martinez in the back and simply stared as Martinez passed the time on his first-base jog apparently reciting a Hamlet soliloquy at Batista. The staring was apparently a breach of one of La Russa's unwritten laws: "When you drill somebody and you stare at them like he stared, that is so unprofessional and so intentional-looking that we'll see how Major League Baseball handles it."

It is the bench-clearing brawl that resulted several minutes later, after Martinez apparently had time to think about Batista's unprofessionalism. Batista fired the ball at Martinez as he approached, but missed, perhaps indicating that it was a mistake the first time he hit him. In one of the oddest brawl scenes I've seen, Batista got pushed to the outfield as Martinez seemed to get tackled by his own teammates.

While staring may not be against MLB rules, it's likely they will suspend Cards pitcher Jeff Fassero, who was unrepentant about later pegging Luis Gonzalez. "I play old baseball. I don't play this new style of baseball,'' Fassero said. "I still believe in the old ways, settling scores for teams and stuff like that, and that's how I think baseball should be played."

Yeah! Another vote against this new style of baseball, where guys...er,...what is it the new guys do again?

about the author

Michael Cox has actually been pushing for a new style of baseball, where fans get free hot dogs each time a batter is beaned. Donate to his war chest and to help him move to St. Louis when it happens at mc@strikethree.com.