And the Hits Just Keep on Coming?

Dave Paisley

The season is finally upon us, and as usual, it will take a while for everything to sort out. So far, there are plenty of hits on the field but what?s more interesting right now are the hits off the field. This week?s news is chock full of them.

Puckett didn?t get eyeful, witness says ??Shirt didn?t fit? theory exposed
First we have the sad, sad story of Kirby Puckett. Accused of attacking a woman in a restaurant bathroom, Puckett said he was merely assisting her to find alternative toilet facilities because the woman?s bathroom as so busy. No doubt the women?s bathroom was busy, but he definitely loses points when we discover that in the men?s bathroom there was a man in one stall (shock! Imagine that!) and vomit in another. Given the kind of place this apparently is, maybe that?s even less of a shock than finding a man in the men?s bathroom. A restaurant manager noted that restaurant policy is to clean the bathrooms regularly, but he couldn?t recall whether that was the case this particular evening. Remind me never to eat there, hmmm?

Add to this the defense allegation that the woman had exposed her breasts to a crowd of men that evening, and this is starting to sound like one wacky restaurant. The woman apparently demonstrated to the prosecution that it was impossible for her to pull down the shirt sufficiently to expose her bosom. Whatever happened to, ?if the shirt don?t fit you must acquit!??

Helmetless biker Dodger coach takes it in the ribs
Motorcycle riding is a crapshoot at best, but Dodger batting coach Jack Clark found out just how dangerous when he was hit by a car that had been hit and knocked into his lane by a reckless minivan (see, they are evil) while heading to Bank One Ballpark on Sunday. "We were troubled by his appearance and evident discomfort and pain,'' said Dodgers vice president Derrick Hall. Really? With multiple cuts to the head and eight broken ribs, it was maybe no shock that Clark wasn?t feeling quite so chipper. Clark wasn?t wearing a helmet, nor is one required by Arizona law but with those killer minivans around, it may just be a good idea to wear one just in case?

Hernandez settles for lesser charges, agrees to community service ? and anger management rehab
More baseball violence was resolved when Expos pitcher Livan Hernandez agreed to do 50 hours of community service, pay a fine of $500 and attend anger management classes. Again. Hernandez was accused of attacking a 65 year old man with golf clubs after being provoked. No stranger to the dock, Hernandez was charged in 1998 with simple battery of his then girlfriend. Charges were dropped when he agreed to pre-trial intervention and anger management classes. Looks like he needs that five year booster shot. I?m just guessing Hernandez won?t be serving that community time in a senior center.

Canada not so nice after all ? Yanks upset Canadians can?t boo as well as Bronx fans
The Yankees are upset that the Blue Jays took out an ad to encourage fans to boo Hideki Matsui. ?That?s our trick,? Yankees manager Joe Torre was alleged to have said. ?These Canadians are so polite they?ll probably get the booing all wrong.? He was also alleged to have mumbled something about Canadian arms being too weak to throw batteries or sharpened coins at his players. Jim Bloom, the director of consumer marketing, said the team has taken precautions to guard against fans booing the U.S. national anthem and "God Bless America" after that happened at a Montreal Canadiens' game earlier this month. Rumor has it that the Canadian Air Force may send it?s airplane to provide a safe fly zone over Skydome for game 2.

Jeter no Atlas ? shoulder gives out
After seven years of carrying the Yankees on his shoulders, Derek Jeter finally succumbed on Monday, dislocating his heroic left shoulder in a head first slide into third base. He is ecpected to miss at least six weeks, possibly much more.

"It hurts. I can't really describe it," said Jeter. "When it happened I was scared. I didn't know what happened. The worst part is getting it back in."

Manager Joe Torre looked on the bright side. "The good thing that happened is it was the left shoulder," he said. And if we carry this much further, we?re only missing the Knights Who Say ?Ni!? to have ourselves a Monty Python sketch. There's apparently no truth to the rumor that Torre said the Yankees will just have to "shoulder on" in Jeter's absence.

Johnson, Maddux fall on opening day for first time
Perhaps the most disappointing news of the first big day in baseball (well, for me at least) was the fact that hitherto undefeated on opening day pair of Greg Maddux and Randy Johnson (6-0 and 5-0 respectively in previous opening day starts) were 0-2 on Monday, and not looking at all good. And I know why. They are both on my fantasy team. Surely there?s no better way to guarantee disaster. Sorry guys.

Rose gambles again - on literary success
Finally, where would a hit summary be without a contribution from the all time hit king? Yes, Not satisfied with one biography, Pete Rose is going for number two, this time with author Rick Hill. With his baseball fate still hanging in the balance, it?s unlikely Rose will pull a real confession out of the hat for this book, or even rock the political boat much. Perhaps we?ll even find out if there really was a second spitter. However, I?m thinking the odds are that number three isn?t far behind, perhaps with the real scoop, whatever that is.

about the author

Dave Paisley will be on vacation next week, but just in case you need to razz him, he's available at drdjp@strikethree.com.