Baseballhead:
Who Laughs Last, Laughs West

Michael Cox

Huh? What? Oh, yeah, sorry. Fell asleep watching the Grammy Awards, sometime between when Dustin Hoffman became unable to read a cue card and when the production geniuses failed to show even one shot of Clarence Clemons during Springsteen's performance. All in all, with a few exceptions, it was about as entertaining as a three-hour Bernie Williams at-bat, with the major difference being that Bernie Williams isn't trying to be entertaining.

Okay, seeing Springsteen, Dave Grohl and Elvis Costello re-form Rockestra was sort of fun. But I digress...

It's time to turn our prognosticatory attentions to the biggest li'l division of all, the AL West, which despite having held the balance of AL power for some years now, hadn't managed to consume the entire chalupa (so to speak) until 2002. And even then, it took a team Commissioner-For-Life Selig had been using as an example of MLB's dire straits. (Choice quote from the trophy ceremony: "Curses! Foiled again!")

In the process, the Angels proved that America loves one thing even more than freakishly tall Chinese basketball players: giveaway noisemakers. Meanwhile, the A's suffered their third consecutive first-round meltdown, the M's made 93 wins seem like a meltdown, and the Rangers were still all gooey from the previous couple of years.

Are the Angels ready to defend their lottery win—I mean, World Championship? Will a new manager help Seattle get to the next level? Will a new manager help Oakland get to the next level? Will a new manager help the Rangers get anywhere? Will we begin to see fans reporting to Orange County emergency rooms with ThunderStix stuck where ThunderStix oughtn't be?

Let's toss our darts:

4. Texas Rangers.

For the last few years, the Rangers have been suffering from a terminal case of "the pitching can't get any worse this year, can it?" And in fact last season the Rangers' pitching improved. Bad news: Those improvements were largely due to Kenny Rogers, who won't be returning this year unless he's still a free agent in May (although at this rate, that could still happen).

The worse bad news is that the Texas offense should decline as well, with Ivan Rodriguez leaving for the greener (or at least much more teal) pastures of Miami. Frank Catalanatto's reasonable bat is also missing as the team clears the decks for some younger talent. And unfortunately for new manager Buck Showalter, for the third time he has the thankless task of helping rebuild a team for an owner who loves to spend without thinking.

The Sheriffs made their best move of the offseason in hiring Showalter, who helped work the magic that allowed the Yankees and D-Backs to become championship teams. Unfortunately, that means the Metroplex will have to wait a couple of years for Showalter to be fired and his replacement to reap the benefits.

3. Anaheim Angels.

After winning their first-ever World Series, the Angels now have to prove they were not Cinderella, but in fact a juggernaut who dressed in a ball gown for kicks. They'll be doing it with virtually the exact same team they had in 2002—a team led offensively by Brad Fullmer. See the problem?

Being the only AL West team with a returning manager does provide some stability, but keeping the team intact was more a cost-saving move than anything. Fullmer has yet to string two great seasons together, Garret Anderson and Scott Spezio had career years last year, and where Bengie Molina goes, good hitting does not follow. But one does not trade heroes lightly, even when it's to upgrade.

On the positive side, they'll have a full season of Francisco Rodriguez. And there'll be deep discounts on leftover Rally Monkeys after the first team slump. It ought to be a good season for the Cherubim, but as the Mariners found out last year, good plus a crispy dollar bill buys you a king-size Nestle Crunch bar in the AL West.

2. Seattle Mariners.

Finally realizing that coming off a once-in-a-millennium 116-win season is not reason to expect bigger and better things, Mariner fans have spent their offseason watching for the moves that would regain their team the AL West. Unfortunately, instead they got Greg Colbrunn and John Mabry.

Yes, the Mariners are now in profit-taking mode as they stick to a rigid budget which as near as I can tell is figured by government mathematicians. Even Freddy Garcia's arbitration win was apparently enough to break the team's fragile Hello Kitty bank, so no number-one starter for you! In fact, the team's only purposefully outrageous offseason spending was the bizarre retainer given to Dan Wilson, who is to offense what Avril Lavigne is to actual punk rock.

So they soldier on, neither as bad a team as people thought they were last year, nor as good as they could be if they'd left Pat Gillick at a central Washington rest area in November. They even dilly-dallied when Lou Piniella wanted out, costing them a shot at Showalter's bag of managerial goodness. As it stands, they opted to take the grab bag that is Bob Melvin after scaring the hell out of Seattle by actually seriously considering Tony Muser, Jim Riggleman and Buddy Bell.

Expect another 90-win season. Don't expect anyone concerned to be happy with it.

1. Oakland Athletics.

I know you've heard this before, and I've tried to avoid it at all costs, but: Billy Beane is a genius. While the other teams in the AL West have variously spent wildly, made random moves and done nothing, Beane has steadily improved his club with little but chewing gum, toothpicks and dental floss. This year he swapped Billy Koch for the superior Keith Foulke, then swung a multi-team deal which brought in the big (and cost-effective) bat of Erubiel Durazo.

The only questions that remain:

- Can the team can stay healthy? In such a competitive division, even an ill-timed case of water on the knee can mean the difference between a division title and competing for tee times with the San Jose Sharks. (Doesn't hockey season start in October, you ask? Sadly for the people of the Bay Area, yes, it does.)

- Can Beane again work magic with in-season trades, or is it all downhill after pulling a good season out of John Mabry?

- Is manager as replaceable a position as Beane believes it is? Sure, the guys all know Ken Macha, but remember that time when your good buddy became your boss?

Thanks to those strategic extensions, the top of the rotation is still intact, and apparently the price Satan is making Beane pay for his magical GM skills (i.e., having to keep Terrence Long in the lineup) is agreeable...for now.

about the author

Michael Cox can read cue cards better than Dustin Hoffman. The Grammy people can find him at mc@strikethree.com. He understands the gift baskets are crazy cool.