Baseballhead:
All's (Too) Quiet on the Western Front

Michael Cox

Today Baseballhead celebrates Presidents' Day with a tribute to Chester A. Arthur, whom we consider to be the "forgotten President." Arthur was responsible for the, er, whatchamacallit. And that other thing, which we enjoy to this very day.

Returning to baseball, how have the NL West's team presidents fared this offseason? When we left this plucky division, the Diamondbacks had won their second straight division title and looked like they were cruising towards a defense of their World Championship, until they stopped. Meanwhile, the Giants managed to overcome Jeff Kent's fixation on auto cleanliness and the media's fixation on that mean Barry Bonds, coming within three innings of crisp, cold champagne before the Anaheim fans started whacking 'em with ThunderStix.

But how now? Does life really begin at 40 for the D-Backs? Will the soil under Pac Bell Park erode quickly without Dusty Baker's sunflower-seed landfill contribution? Will the Padres again sucker otherwise intelligent pundits into thinking they're actually going to be good? Who will FOX fire and replace with a TV industry sycophant this year?

Beats me. Er, I mean, let's find out...

5. Colorado Rockies.

After briefly subscribing to the Peter Angelos Theory Of Fielding A Clearly Decaying Club By Haphazardly Signing Expensive Veterans, the Rockies got smart and dumped some of the salary (and all the bloated ERA) of Mike Hampton. The Rox had little to gain by keeping Hampton, especially when the team's best pitching performances came from youngsters like Denny Stark and Rookie Of The Year Jason Jennings.

Fortunately for the fans, the team couldn't unload the legitimately great bat of Larry Walker, which would have been hard to replace. More fortunately, they were able to lose the Play-Doh bat of Juan Pierre, which would have been hard to watch. Unlike last year, nobody's trying to rush Jack Cust into the bigs, so Walker still fits.

It's not like the Rockies are gonna play like Devil Rays this year, it's just that their competition is tough, they're fielding their youngest team ever, and...well, they just won't be all hot nuts. But for the first time in a while, Rockies fans should be optimistic for the future. Lets hope the alien invaders don't arrive first.

Oh, have I not mentioned the alien invaders?

4. San Diego Padres.

Last year the zeal to pick the Pads to top the West seemed to be in inverse proportion to the age of the journalist. While I hadn't expected them to set Mission Bay on fire (although at times I understand it may in fact be flammable), I would've taken the Vegas line against 96 losses.

This year I will stake my career on that not happening again. (Of course, by "stake my career on," I clearly mean "am guessing," and offer no warranty, express or implied, under the Rob Dibble Bet-Reneging Act of 2001.) I mean, the city should probably rename its hospital after the team after all the health-insurance money that changed hands last year.

This is a lineup who should be coming of age this year, with too many decent hitters to fail miserably. And also Mark Loretta, who I understand thought she was a woman, but she was another man. Or that could be a different Loretta entirely. I'm not sure.

Unfortunately, the average age of the Monks' pitching staff doubled instantly upon the signing of Jesse Orosco, who at press time we were attempting to reach for his recollections of Chester A. Arthur. (Basically, I'm saying he's old.)

3. San Francisco Giants.

This is a conundrum. The Giants finished second and were a Rally Monkey's-breadth of winning the whole shebang last year, but during the preceding 162 games they barely managed to elude the Dodgers. Now Jeff Kent is riding his motorcycle on the Texas plains, Barry Bonds will have two new outfield partners, David Bell will be coming back down to Earth in Philly, and perhaps most importantly, Dusty Baker's move to Chicago will probably affect the Giants more than it will the Cubs.

The lineup has basically undergone a drastic overhaul, perhaps for the better—buying low and selling high on Bell and Kenny Lofton was a good idea, and it's hard to even say "Tom Goodwin," "Shawon Dunston" and "World Series" in the same sentence. The new guys are likely to replace the offense well, but there's this nagging...er, let's just say it sounds a little bit like Carrot Top.

It's unlikely Barry Bonds will have another season like he did last year. (For that matter, it's unlikely another human being will have a season like Barry Bonds had last year.) Kent isn't just taking his motorized vehicles to Houston, he's also taking his bat. Baker won't be there to squeeze the most out of a pitching staff that could fall apart any minute. That cranky old guy might yell at Livan Hernandez some more. J.T. Snow is still there.

Who knows? Edgardo Alfonzo may make China Basin wonder "Jeff who?" (At the very least he'll make 'em wonder "David who?") Ray Durham will plug the second-base hole effectively and get on base for Bonds. Felipe Alou may be able to do with the Big Guys what he did in Montreal, only with more onlookers. But something tells me it'll be an off year in SF. And to "dial down the center."

2. Los Angeles Dodgers.

Last year went as badly for the Boys O' Blue as it went well for the Giants, with Japanese import Kazuhisa Ishii falling to a Brian Hunter line drive (perhaps the only Brian Hunter line drive anyone will ever remember) in September, likely taking the Dodgers out of the Wild Card hunt in a split second. Eric Karros' bad luck continued, basically proving it wasn't bad luck—just bad hitting. Young shortstop Cesar Izturis made middle-infieldmate Mark Grudzielanek look good.

This year no one has anywhere to go but up, with the exception of closer Eric Gagne, and with better hitting, Gagne may not be required as often. Karros and Grudzielanek were bundled off to the Cubs for a bit of deja vu in the form of Todd Hundley. In the backup catcher role there'll be little pressure on Hundley, and maybe now the team can shake the Curse of Chad Kreuter, which began when Kreuter led the charge to attack innocent fans...in Chicago. Ah, sweet irony.

In the end, the fate of the Dodgers may rest on Kevin Brown's touchy lumbar region. For a few years now, people have drooled over the Dodger rotation on paper, not only smearing the paper, but producing disappointment when the rotation eventually fell apart. If Brown stays healthy, Ishii doesn't flinch on hits up the middle, and Nomo doesn't decide to relive the Savage Garden Era, Rupert Murdoch might not have to acquire Ben Affleck-J-Lo wedding pictures for the Post to make up the shortfall.

1. Arizona Diamondbacks.

The D-Backs spent 2002 doing the same thing they've been doing almost since expansion: riding the arms of the top of their rotation, and getting stupidly freaky performances out of middling aging veteran hitters. And they would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids in Cardinals jerseys.

This year I see no reason to believe Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling will be less than A-1-super-primo. It's likely Tony Womack has been explicitly warned that any future collisions with Luis Gonzalez shall result in a visit by a couple of Jerry Colangelo's Sicilian friends. Junior Spivey no longer has to worry about Colangelo rushing the dressing room to ask why Jay Bell isn't playing.

On the downside, the declining Mark Grace and the declined Matt Williams are still under contract. Womack is still the luckiest li'l SS/OF in the world. Quinton McCracken is likely to find last year's .458 slugging percentage becoming a distant, bittersweet memory. And Steve Finley is more likely to repeat his 2001 than his 2002 (and trust me, that's not good).

With Williams vetoing the Snakes' attempt to ship him off for Larry Walker, the only real move the team made in the offseason was obtaining Elmer Dessens, the Reds' number-one starter last year. Slid in nice and cozy behind Unit and Schilling, he takes the pressure off the Twin Tossers, at the cost of Erubiel Durazo's big but benched bat.

For the most part, they're standing pat in Arizona, waiting for the Geritol Gang's contracts run out. Until then, expect guys like Grace and Williams to put their families first, possibly even sitting on the bench with them while Craig Counsell and Lyle Overbay do the playing.

Did I mention that they still have Randy Johnson?

about the author

Michael Cox is no spring chicken himself. He'll share his memories of Soundgarden and Ace Of Base at mc@strikethree.com.