Baseballhead:
Rose-Pun-Free Zone

Michael Cox

In this very special holiday edition of Baseballhead, Carl Everett discovers the true meaning of a nondenominational holiday, once he stops beating up on the Ghost of Kwanzaa Yet To Come.

With Major League Baseball's general managers ensconced in Opryland (nice move for a sport trying to appear more racially balanced than the NFL), the big news in baseball this past week has been...Pete Rose?

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but last I heard Lord High Commissioner Selig wasn't even returning the Hit King's calls, and said Hit King was himself adamant that those betting slips were all a clever forgery. Now suddenly this has changed, with Mike Schmidt playing Henry Kissinger to Selig's Chairman Mao. (To be clear, I myself am uncomfortable with the preceding simile, except for the Selig-Mao part, which I'm rather proud of.)

And just as suddenly, columnists everywhere with nothing truly new to write about Rose have applied the Baseballhead "fake overheard conversation" technique with varying degrees of success (examples: Jim Caple [good] and Ray Ratto [er, perhaps a career in plumbing?]). The usual suspects have trotted out the usual arguments (and I think Rob Neyer simply re-ran an old column) because there is literally nothing new to consider. Oh, the humanity.

Why the change in Selig's slouchy stance? Money, of course, but this is MLB we're talking about, so vanity is of equal importance.

For the past two years MLB's biggest sponsor promotion has been the MasterCard "Greatest Reasons To Make You Go To MasterCard,com" fan vote and World Series pregame spectacular. In both cases, Rose has shown that he's a particular favorite of those who love fan votes and pregame spectaculars.

Five bucks says next year will be the same, probably something like "Greatest Teams Of All Time." Selig clearly dreads having the fans chant "Hall-Of-Fame!" again when the Big Red Machine is elected a likely number one. Future fan votes may include "Greatest Player-Managers" and "Greatest Unnecessary Career-Ending Plate Collisions," both of which would be locks for our Chuck Hustle.

Knowing that he's going to have to invite Rose to World Series after World Series, Selig is attempting to save future face by giving in to the 91 percent of fans who believe in such clichés as "he just wants to put this behind him," and "hey, I voted for a corrupt Congressperson, so what's the difference?"

What I'm about to say may stun you, so you'd better sit down. No, really.

Pete Rose should go into the Hall of Fame, whether he bet on baseball or not.

Aren't you glad you sat down?

There's more, though. Rose should be elected into the Hall only after he signs an affidavit acknowledging that he knowingly broke Rule 21(d), and an agreement that he will never seek employment with any Major League Baseball organization. Heck, the Commish should make Rose sign another document agreeing to never appear in a wrestling ring again. It's worth a shot.

And this is easily within Selig's power, partly because Selig seems to wield absolute power these days, and because the often-mentioned Rule 21(d) is even more ambiguous than the Second Amendment:

BETTING ON BALL GAMES. Any player, umpire, or club official or employee, who shall bet any sum whatsoever upon any baseball game in connection with which the bettor has no duty to perform shall be declared ineligible for one year.

Any player, umpire, or club or league official or employee, who shall bet any sum whatsoever upon any baseball game in connection with which the bettor has a duty to perform shall be declared permanently ineligible.

"Permanently ineligible" for what? A 40-man roster? Well, isn't one of the qualifications for the Hall that you're no longer playing? The Hall of Fame didn't exist when Rule 21(d) was written, so anyone saying the intent was ineligibility from induction is lying. That was the interpretation -- an interpretation made specifically for the case of Pete Rose, I might add.

More importantly to me, putting Rose in the Hall will shut up the chanting, voting fans who have championed his reinstatement (and people say they don't have enough leisure time). With no perceived wrongs to right, they'll probably have forgotten him in time to direct their irrational exuberance towards Cal Ripken's induction.

It will also shut up the crusaders on the other side, who believe that Rose may as well have killed a man (except that there's no specific rule banning a player for killing a man). With the deed done, they'll turn to other, more worthy causes, like making up Ken Griffey trade rumors. It's a plaque in return for blessed silence. Give it.

In short, Rose has earned his place in history. He has not, however, earned a second chance, and likely never will, as long as he's dressing in a chicken costume at WWE pay-per-views (Wrestlemania, by the way, will be held at Safeco Field next year while the Mariners open the season in Japan. I'd rather not think about the inherent irony there).

Of course, this whole rigmarole could have been avoided if only Omar Minaya would accepted taken a freakin' trade offer already.

about the author

Michael Cox is currently negotiating with the WWE for the rights to the name "Gobbledygooker." Suggest using it as a nickname for Curt Schilling at mc@strikethree.com.