Baseballhead:
D'You Haff a Lahcenze For Zat Minkey?

Michael Cox

I want to talk to you for a moment about noise.

Is there something wrong with people's hands? Is there some good reason why every fan in every venue in Major League Baseball's postseason is supplied with a pair of inflatable plastic objects that go bang? Someday we'll look back on video of fans with Thunder Stix and laugh much the way we do now at mullets.

Only in America would sports venues which explicitly ban noisemaking apparatus subsequently turn around and provide every single fan with noisemaking apparatus. If you're going to do that, let's just start allowing cowbells and airhorns (both of which were spotted or heard at Edison Field this week). Of course, someone shows up in the seat behind me with an airhorn, they'll be able to blow it without using their hands, if you know what I mean, and I think that you do.

The desperation to get these (no doubt patented) noisemakers to the various venues is apparently so great that it doesn't even matter if they're the right color. Sure, the Angels' were red, the Giants' orange, and the Twins' homer-hanky white, but why would the Cardinals, of all teams, not get red ones? It sort of defeats the purpose of your long tradition of scarlet-clad fans when you give them big white tubes to wave around.

To their credit, the Cards fans didn't really use their Thunder Stix much, which is more than I can say for the merchandise-mad Halo hailers, who seemed at times to not be people, but rather a sea of red baton-shaped aliens headbutting each other.

Of course, that would explain where all those Angel fans came from so fast.

Speaking of the, er, devils, congratulations go to the LA/California/Anaheim Angels for making it to a World Series for the first time in their 41-year history, even if they had to beat the AL's Team O' Destiny to do so. It's weird to describe a four-games-to-one series win, in which the victor outscored its opponent 29-12, as "much closer than it sounds." Still, if not for a couple innings of Minnesota bullpen crash-and-burn the series could very well have gone back to the Metrodome.

When they beat the Yankees, it was clear that the Angel offense had caught fire. They were hitting pitches up in the strike zone, low in the strike zone...heck, Glaus pounded one that almost bounced up to the plate. In this series, however, the Twin relievers seemed to be practicing the hanging curve and fastball down Main St., and the Disney boys were more than happy to provide the electrical parade.

Unfortunately, we saw the primary drawback of having FOX as MLB's only network "partner" when Troy Percival ran in to pitch the ninth on Sunday. Instead of hanging with the game as it headed towards its series-ending peak, most of the country was clumsily informed it would be switched to the Giants-Cards game. Now, I understand that National League baseball is different, but to me that first Livan Hernandez pitch looked more like over ten solid minutes of commercials.

In fact, because they also promised the final pitch of the Angel series win, after all the ads FOX had to tell the NL game to wait while we were blessed with approximately three minutes of celebration from Anaheim. At least we didn't have to look at Michael Eisner's LA-fake-happiness again ("Hey, when you guys start earning me as much as Monsters, Inc.'s opening weekend, I'll start buying you the good champagne"). Unfortunately, we will have to see more people dressed as Rally Monkeys (fortunately, FOX's Steve Lyons will no longer be around to be infatuated with them), and most likely more crimson Thunder Stix.

On the Senior Circuit side, I found myself rooting for the Cards in their ninth inning near-comeback Sunday. Not because I particularly care whether they or the Giants advance to the World Series, but for a completely selfish reason: I want to see a few more games. As it stands, we could spend most of this week without baseball as we wait for Saturday's Series start.

Really, SF/St. Louie has been the more exciting of the Championship Series, despite the lack of "electric atmosphere" due to the visiting team usually winning. There was even a bench-clearing, er, something in the first game, after Kenny Lofton reiterated his long-standing position that every pitch inside is intended to leave his family without a breadwinner. As always, Tony La Russa had something to say about that.

La Russa had earlier practically demanded that Barry Bonds "expand his strike zone" (read: "swing at the crap my pitchers will be throwing him"). Result: the Cards couldn't win for losing with Bonds -- he hit what was hittable, and when he walked he'd come around to score (twice in the 4-3 Game 4 victory). Although the portly diva hadn't yet vocalized at press time, Our Tony sure looks like this year's Lou Piniella "I Promise A Game 6" Award Winner.

Oh, and what of Sweet Lou, who has been the subject of more rumors than Bud Selig's colon (i.e., what might be stuck up there)? It seems that he's fighting tooth and nail to exit Seattle. Why has this caused more wild rumors and Peter Gammons "anonymous baseball source" prank phone calls than Mike Piazza's sexual preference?

Because the Mets need a manager, that's why.

Yes, the subtext of all the conjecture is that the Mets are pulling strings like crazy to get Piniella. Despite his stated desire to "get closer to [his] home" in Tampa, the Northeast papers have been summarily dismissing the silly, silly notion that he might consider managing the Devil Rays. The Newark Star-Ledger, who led the charge to declare Piniella practically a Metropolitan, made Tampa Bay a mere footnote: "Several other teams are believed to be monitoring the Piniella situation as well, including the Devil Rays, but the Rays obviously are not a winning situation."

Piniella is old (60 soon) and tired (or so he has often said), and frankly, the Mariners could use a change. Only fear of the unknown (and the fact that the best candidate, Buck Showalter, was quickly snapped up by Texas) is stopping the M's from simply ripping up his contract. One of the more wild rumors has Dusty Baker leaving the Bay for Seattle and Jim Fregosi managing at Pac Bell, but if the Giants win this World Series you'll see residents of San Francisco chaining themselves to Baker until he re-signs.

Moving on, this is once again the portion of the column where I attempt to predict the winner of the upcoming playoff series, and once again I'm not being helped much in the National League, where there's a series still in progress. So why don't we look at both hypothetical World Series, starting with the most likely:

Anaheim Angels vs. San Francisco Giants

The team whose league has home-field advantage in the World Series is invariably assisted by their accustomed DH/pitchers-bat rule. This year it's the AL's turn to host the most, leaving us wondering what the Giants will do at the Mr. Ed. Bonds as DH, Shinjo in left? Do you even want to think about that? (Please forgive me, residents of Japan.) No, the DH advantage will go to Anaheim.

However, wherever Bonds will play, he will still get to hit, and with Mike Scioscia becoming known for wacky managerial moves, there could be a fat fastball in Barry's future. And though Angel fans come equipped with Rally Monkey dolls and Thunder Stix, Giant fans simply use swear words, like the guy whose scatalogical incredulousness at a potential Card comeback was caught on national TV by FOX on Sunday.

Victor: Giants. At least one visiting Angel fan will be strangled within an inch of his life with his own Rally Monkey doll.

Anaheim Angels vs. St. Louis Cardinals

How the hell did that happen? With the Giants up three games to one, the Redbirds come roaring back and sweep the final three games of the NLCS. Well, they are the NL's Team O' Destiny.

Even more fortunately, while the Angels had an entire work week to stew in their own juices St. Louis was playing competitive ball against the Giants, staying sharp and keeping their rotation in fighting trim. Scott Rolen is available for the Fall Classic, and as the DH in Anaheim he can baby his shoulder for the first two games. (I know, I know, just play along, okay?)

This, possibly the first all-red-caps World Series in history, will be a matter of honor for the Cards, whose fans had to buy their own red t-shirts to wear at the game. It's a battle between the most knowledgeable fans in the game vs. the fans we never knew existed. Of course, in this case the Angel fans' totems may be the only way we know they're not Cards fans. That and their irrational desire to clap to "Car Wash."

Tony La Russa will double-dare Ben Weber to stop wearing those silly goggles. Frankie Rodriguez will continue to get all the Angel wins in relief. Fernando Vina will leap across the plate to get hit by a pitched ball. Aaron Sele will continue to be off the Angel roster, ensuring that he will lose no games this postseason.

Victor: Cardinals. Take that, Eisner.

about the author

Michael Cox has attained a zen-like state that can only be broken by lopsided games. Offer to "whack" the Minnesota bullpen for him at mc@strikethree.com.