Baseballhead:
Bud's Nightmare

Michael Cox

Thanks to a musical CARE package from me to me (support your local independent record store), today's Baseballhead is being composed to the sounds of Wilco's Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. Overrated, perhaps, but worthy nevertheless.

Speaking of which, on Sunday the Minnesota Twins clinched the AL Central title virtually by default (fittingly, it was a White Sox loss that uncorked the champagne). I don't know about you, but I realized that this changes the whole complexion of my postseason rooting. Against all odds, it would be great to see the Twins win the Big Dance. Sure, they'll likely have to go through Oakland, the Bronx and Phoenix (those D-Backs just know how to win when it counts, don't they?), not a pleasant prospect even for the A's, Yankees and D-Backs. Even so, you can't blame a guy for fantasizing...

(Scene: The Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome, Minneapolis. Eddie Guardado has just struck out Tony Womack, Junior Spivey and Luis Gonzalez to close the World Series-winning Game Six for the Twins [good thing, because Unit would've killed 'em if it had gone to seven]. Decade-old Homer Hankies had been retrieved from storm cellars across Minnesota and parts of South Dakota and waved with fervor by soccer moms who to a woman claim they had stuck with the team through thick and thin.

The team has done the requisite victory lap, changed into the official World Championship caps and t-shirts [available for purchase immediately after the last out from mlb.com], and have done pretty much everything it's possible to do with Dom Perignon except actually drink it.)

Joe Buck: Now for the award presentations, we go to Tim McCarver in the Twins' clubhouse. Tim?

Tim McCarver: Thank you, Joe. We're still waiting for Commissioner Bud Selig to arrive, but what people don't understand that it takes a great deal of time to walk from the Commissioner's Box to the clubhouse. Right now Selig has to be thinking about the chemistry a club like this has to have in order to win a World Series...

Buck: Excuse me, Tim, I think Jeanne Zelasko has tracked down the Commissioner. Jeanne?

Jeanne Zelasko: Yes, Joe, I followed the commissioner as he ran to the parking garage in the ninth inning, and our crew currently has his rental car surrounded. Thank God I actually have a background in journalism and sensible shoes.

Buck: Good work, Jeanne. Can you get a word with him?

Zelasko: Of course. Who do you think I am, Lisa Guerrero? (Knocks on car window) Commissioner? Jeanne Zelasko, FOX Sports. Could you roll down your window for a moment?

Bud Selig: (Rolls down window) Of course. I always have time for Major League Baseball's network television partner.

Zelasko: Just how did you end up in your car -- with the engine running, I might add -- instead of the Twins' clubhouse?

Selig: That's an excellent question, and no one wants an answer more than I do, Jeanne. You see, heh heh, the tunnel to the garage looks a lot like the one to the clubhouse, and once I got here, er, it is a tad nippy, so I just thought I'd warm up for a minute before I make the presentations...

Zelasko: You warm yet?

Selig: Uh... I guess.

Zelasko: Joe, the Commissioner should be heading to the clubhouse momentarily. I've asked a couple of crew members to help see him down there.

(Sounds of scuffling and footsteps)

Selig: Hey! Ow! You're tearing my suit!

Zelasko: Let's see Jillian Barberie do that, Joe.

Buck: Er, thanks, Jeanne. Let's go down to the clubhouse, where manager Ron Gardenhire is speaking on the phone with the President...

President: ...and I'd like to invite you to the White House, so you can meet me and maybe the Vice President, if it's not one of his "undisclosed location" days. Just ask the players to stay away from Jenna, okay?

Gardenhire: Will do, Mr. President.

President: You won't be bringing Charlie Sheen along, will you? I saw that E! True Hollywood Story...

McCarver: I see that the Commissioner has arrived, so it's time for the presentation of the World Championship trophy to the owner of the Twins, Carl Pohlad. What people don't understand is that an owner has to keep track of the business operations of his team, and that takes --

Buck: Shut the hell up, Tim.

Selig: It is with great...er, pleasure, that I award the 2002 World Championship trophy to the Minnesota Twins, who have triumphed...

Pohlad: (Whispered) I still want to sell, Bud.

Selig: Shh.

Pohlad: (Whispered) $300 million. You promised.

Selig: (Whispered) Ix-nay on the ontraction-cay. Ahem. (Louder) As I was saying, who have triumphed in the face of adversity...

Pohlad: (Whispered) You'll know adversity when they find out who really loaned you the money to pay your share of that leaky-roofed white elephant ballpark of yours.

Selig: (Whispered) Carl, we'll talk about this later.

Pohlad: Have you wired my revenue sharing payment to the Bank of Zurich, as I asked?

Selig: Err, here's your damn trophy, Pohlad. I need a drink.

McCarver: We'll be back in a moment with the presentation to Series MVP Denny Hocking.

From here the fantasy goes south a bit, especially when Gov. Jesse Ventura shows up wasted, demonstrates how he learned to kill a man with his bare hands as a Navy SEAL, and threatens to pass a law making dollar hot dog night mandatory.

It's a Whole Bouquet of These, and They're All For You: Padres 3B Phil Nevin learned the hard way last week that you shouldn't make rude gestures to fans anywhere except New York, when he "flipped the bird" at a guy who was riding him like War Emblem, resulting in a minor deluge of phone calls and e-mails from offended punters. Offended by the finger, that is, not by the heckler.

"We made eye contact and [the alleged fan] kept yelling and I gave him the finger. When you make eye contact with somebody it kind of becomes personal, but I didn't take into account the people who were sitting around him and the people who also would see it. I felt terrible about it," Nevin said in an apology obviously intended for everyone except the "fan" in question.

Two odd observations about this: first, this was yet another "fan" heckling the home team's player, and second, someone in San Diego apparently cared enough to heckle. The "fan" was not named in news reports, but you know, ex-Dodger GM Kevin Malone has a lot of time on his hands these days...

No, No, Do It To Strangers: Apparently inspired by David Wells, who won his next start after being roughed up in a diner, Orlando Hernandez joined the Yankees' fight club by punching catcher Jorge Posada in the clubhouse on Saturday. And true to Rule One of Fight Club, no one spoke of the incident afterwards, instead choosing to refer to "brothers" and "family."

Whatever happened to the good old days when the Yankees were good for an incendiary quote or two? This is why they're no fun.

about the author

Michael Cox is actually David Wells' alter ego. Yell at them both for spoiling the plot twist of a movie you've been meaning to see but haven't gotten around to renting yet at mc@strikethree.com.