Baseballhead:
Stretch Jive

Michael Cox

You join Baseballhead as we lament the failure of our evil scheme to fix American Idol to be won by the guy with the silliest hairdo. For American Idol II, we plan find someone with a speech impediment.

Entering the final three weeks of the season, we have before us a combination of same-old same-old (Yanks by 8-1/2 in the AL East, Braves by 19-1/2 -- they might have clinched by the time you read this -- over a NL East field of ne'er-do-wells that makes the AL Central look like the Premier Division), the perennial Cards-Astros race in the NL Central, and a dominating Twins squad. (I still can't believe I'm writing "dominating" and "Twins" without a "the" in the middle and another team's name preceding it.)

But the time zone to watch is the Pacific, where quality teams and late surges are making for races that will likely decide not only both West division titles, but both wild cards as well. Let's start with the AL West, where at this time last year you required a slide rule to calculate the Mariners' lead over the distant-second-place (yet still wild-card) A's. This year, however, it was an AL-record 20-game winning streak that vaulted Oakland into first place while the M's fell victim to the biggest team slump this side of communism.

But wait, there's more -- lodged between those two are the Angels, showing a Rally Monkey-fueled staying power that borders on some kind of Jedi mind trick. (Example: an Associated Press headline early last week read "Oakland streak historic, but Angels gaining," apparently oblivious to how one can "gain" on a team that hasn't lost a game in three weeks).

If the season ended today, Anaheim would be the AL's wild card, while the Mariners would spend their fall figuring out whether anyone would notice if they abandoned James Baldwin and Jeff Cirillo at a rest area in southeastern Oregon. However, as they say, Beelzebub is in the fine print, and going into the final weeks of head-to-head play, the only team in the West with a winning record against its own division is Seattle. Therefore, the only prediction I'll venture to make is that the Red Sox are hosed.

Meanwhile, over in the League of Nations it's been another three-legged race, with your World Champeen Diamondbacks doing their best to hold off a surging Dodger squad, and the Giants lurking only another two games behind. In fact, the Snakes are stumbling a tad even as we speak, with a 3-7 stretch including a 19-1 drubbing (sportswriters everywhere cheered as they realized they could again rhyme "Helling" and "shelling"). However, it's the notoriously streaky D-Back hitting that's the problem -- only once in those last seven losses did Arizona plate more than two runs.

In the meantime, the Dodgers have gone 16-5 in their last 21 games while the Giants are 13-5 in their last 18, which is likely to mean lots of repeat business in nail salons across the southwest. And as in the AL, the wild card is a virtual lock as consolation prize for the second-place team, while a team from a city ending in "-ston" sits 7-1/2 games back. The only positive for the Astros is that they're closer to the Cards than to the bonus playoff slot.

Of course, these single-division locks on the wild card really spoil most of the league-wide excitement it was supposed to create -- it's very possible that a team may "clinch" the wild card by losing the game that clinches the division title, which isn't exactly the most thrilling way of making the playoffs. Sure, your team might walk off the field dejectedly as the victors leap about like schoolgirls, but just wait until that cool commemorative Wild Card merchandise hits the stores.

As for that NL Central race, excuse me for my lack of enthusiasm when there's a possibility that a division title might be won with just over 85 victories. It's the equivalent of watching Olympic speedwalking -- someone's obviously got to win, but what's the point?

From the Yeah, And...? Desk: From the man who brought you "I'd give back 30-40 percent of may salary" comes another gem about MLB's problems: now that the players and owners have made nicey-nice with a new labor agreement, Alex Rodriguez thinks it's high time the game was promoted properly. Quoth the shortstop, "It's time for the owners and players to come together like the NBA does and start promoting their players. Nobody ever said anything about Michael [Jordan] making $40 million. All you talk about is David Stern marketing the game."

First, duh.

Second, A-Rod, the only time I've ever heard a regular person talk about the commissioner of the NBA, they referred to him as Howard Stern. However, I prefer that to the increasing number of fans who know both Bud Selig's first and last names, but believe his middle name is "F*%#ing."

Would You Argue With This Man: Okay. Knowing his history of brawls and near-brawls (hey, he almost took on Steinbrenner, for cryin' out loud), it didn't shock me to hear that David Wells got into a punch-up at a NYC diner on Saturday. Guy talks to Wells, guy argues with Wells, guy insults Wells' deceased mother (another theme I recall hearing before), guy pulls a butter knife. Chaos ensues, Wells is now missing two teeth, God only knows what happened to the other guy. I'm fine with all that.

But would somebody explain to me what a ballplayer is doing up at 6 am on a Saturday morning?

about the author

Michael Cox apologizes for the abbreviated nature of this Baseballhead, but he has to be up at 6:30 tomorrow. Ask him to step away from the syrup dispenser at mc@strikethree.com.