Baseballhead:
Oops, They Said It (Again)

Michael Cox

What up, Doc? This edition of Baseballhead is brought to you by one Britney Spears, who has apparently learned the universal paparazzi greeting. Don't forget, when you get to England it's two fingers, Brit!

Before we get to the column proper, I'd like to toss out an idea for the fine lawyers currently negotiating MLB's next labor deal: For Pete's sake, agree on some rules for uniform cleanliness! There is nothing more mismatched than million-dollar players wearing battered, pine-tar-covered batting helmets and sweat-dyed caps. We won't even mention the lack of personal hygiene implied by such choices in headgear.

Oh, and Earth to Benji Gil: I've seen your stats, and that crap-encrusted helmet can't possibly be construed as "lucky" by any rational definition of the word.

In recent weeks there has been no shortage of memorable mumblings in MLB. Feet are being placed in mouths. Anonymous owners are revealing the machinations of the Commissioner at the same time as the nation's most-hyped baseball writer is making him out to be a martyr. Umpires are angry at anyone silly enough to suggest that they're not doing a great job. And then there's Da Boss, whom we can always count on for a truly embarrassing word or two.

Without further ado, let's start quotin'!

"We're essentially all here as a piece of meat. ... When you produce, you're attractive. When you don't, you're not. There's no way to sugarcoat it." -- Tigers 2B Damion Easley, complaining because GM Dave Dombrowski mentioned publicly that it's well nigh impossible to trade a guy making over $6 million with a sub-.200 batting average.

Easley neglected to mention that with a .649 OPS, he's been playing like a piece of meat.

"...You've got a female umpire -- that's a tough thing to cover. Nothing against females, but I mean for Roger, I think she was probably as excited as anybody in the stands." -- George "The Brain" Steinbrenner, commenting on Ria Cortesia, who umpired Roger Clemens' rehab start in single-A Tampa on Saturday.

Then, adding insult to insult, when Steinbrenner was told that Cortesia umpired Clemens' kids in Little League a few years ago, he retorted, "Is that right? Well that's good, I guess she'll go back there."

In a nutshell, there you have the primary stumbling block for women who might want to work in MLB in any capacity other than PR or ball girl: bonehead owners. (If you think Wendy Selig-Prieb is operating of her own accord, wake up and smell the DNA.) Next promotion at Yankee Stadium: Ladies, Please Don't Kill The Owner Night.

Oh, and odd that Boss Man would use the word "cover" at a time when his team is being accused of fixing games in the '70s.

"She was pretty good, she was great" -- Clemens, on Cortesia.

Clemens' momma didn't raise no idiots. On the other hand, Steinbrenner may have been raised by lemurs.

"The rule is one minute forty seconds between innings. Either there is a rule or there isn't. I told him to do his job and I guess I hit a nerve. I'm going to fight this. No way I'm going to pay a red cent. If anybody should be fined, it should be the umpire for not doing his job." -- A's manager Art Howe, after he was ejected for yelling at home plate umpire Kerwin Danley on Saturday.

Danley was standing idly by while the Texas Rangers delayed the game in the bottom of the eighth inning, apparently baffled by the myriad of pinch-hitting choices available. I'd love to give you a Danley quote, but I couldn't hear him, and what I saw didn't look printable.

"Your threats are highly offensive and very unprofessional...In my 35 years of law practice, you are the only lawyer to have ever threatened me physically." Umpires' union lawyer Larry Gibson, in a three-page letter to MLB VP for labor relations Rob Manfred.

Manfred had threatened to have security remove Gibson if the mouthpiece did not leave his charges' dressing room 30 minutes prior to game time, which is apparently a rule of some sort. Seriously, though, this is not the true reason for the angry words. That reason is called the Questec Umpire Information System, which acts kinda like a strike zone GPS to electronically chart pitch location. The umps claim MLB has been using Questec to evaluate them this year, in violation of their contract.

The rubber actually met the road when MLB attempted to discipline John Hirschbeck (who is not only an umpire but head of the union as well) over his low ratings behind the plate. Needless to say, chaos has ensued. Frankly, if a home plate umpire never has to call another pitch again it wouldn't be too soon -- all the more time to enforce, say, the hit batsman rules, or the one minute forty seconds between innings.

"How do the umpires feel about it? In general, they support it!" -- Questec's web site.

Questec forgot to add, "...as long as it's not actually used."

"...Why would Loria buy into 'that terrible situation (in Florida),' as Bud calls it, unless Bud has promised him he can move to Washington -- except that Bud has also told Peter Angelos in Baltimore that no one will move to Washington, and told potential Expos buyers that they can move to Washington. ...This is how Bud operates. He tells 30 owners 30 different things and then slaps a gag order on us and threatens us with a million-dollar fine so that the players don't find out we all hate what's going on. We're supposed to be unified? That's laughable. Lift the gag order again, and you'll see how unified." -- unnamed "medium-market" owner.

Explain to me again why you haven't fired the man?

"I accepted a responsibility when the owners extended my contract. It takes me to 70 or 71. There are a lot of things I want to do, like teach ... but I accepted a responsibility." -- Selig, speaking to America's most beloved baseball columnist, Peter Gammons.

"I'm convinced Bud got his contract extension by threatening ten of us, making promises to another ten and loaning money to the last ten." -- the unnamed owner.

Explanation accepted. Not fully comprehended, but accepted.

"No owner or player should underestimate what it would do to the game if it were shut down on (the anniversary of) September 11 because of mud-wrestling by millionaires and billionaires." -- Gammons.

The above statement is possibly the single most irresponsible thing Peter Gammons has ever said, and of course that means he's said it repeatedly in recent weeks.

Why? If the players go on strike, say, today, what will happen is that this September 11 will be the only day many fans don't think about baseball's problems. And by striking earlier, there's a better chance that baseball will return before the postseason.

But now Gammons has used what is possibly this country's single darkest day to do nothing more than attempt to avert a labor action. The issue should never have been brought up, but now that it has, the players have no choice other than waiting until after the anniversary of September 11 to strike, most certainly erasing the 2002 postseason. However, it will apparently make an elderly columnist happy.

"It's not fair. Guys go to the gym four times a week and as soon as they get hurt, it's steroids. I never saw a guy take them -- I'm not saying they do or don't -- but 40 percent of players are pitchers. It doesn't make sense for them to take them and get musclebound." -- Pete Rose.

This just in: Rose better at math than Canseco and Caminiti. Film at eleven.

about the author

Michael Cox keeps petitioning for a baseball section in Bartlett's. Explain why every year he receives the two-word response, "Yogi Berra," at mc@strikethree.com.