Baseballhead:
Yeah, Bud

Michael Cox

Hello, citizen! Following up on my Thursday rant (the blood pressure is fine, thanks for asking), apparently at least one man has disregarded my opinion and is suing Major League Baseball for $25,000 and the completion of the All-Star Game. The twenty-five G's is presumably so his lawyer would agree to take the case. Normally I would provide a sarcastic jibe in this spot, but quite frankly, I don't care to get on the bad side of someone who would sue for the completion of an exhibition game.

Again, while I am not a clinical psychologist, if you can't get over a tied All-Star Game you should consider seeing a clinical psychologist.

Moving on...

The Sky Is Falling, Part 682: Apparently wearied by the hordes of newspeople pestering him about the "All-Star fiasco," our favorite Commissioner-for-Life let slip that a certain particular team (who wishes to remain anonymous) would likely bounce today's paychecks. Yet another team (also veiled in secrecy) is on the skids and could go bankrupt before the end of the season. Upon hearing this revelation, the gathered media reportedly replied, "Well, yeah, but what are you going to do to fix the All-Star Game?"

Bud loves to let these things slip, because it creates a "sense of urgency" for revenue-sharing and a salary cap. Of course, actually naming names would ruin his little game, primarily because people would discover he's lying. The usual "anonymous baseball sources" pegged the non-payroll-meeting team as either Tampa Bay or Detroit, and the bankruptcy-facing club as Your World Champion Arizona Diamondbacks. In fact, my quick analysis of the candidates suggests these would be the prime suspects.

So, on to the rebuttals:

• "I'm not going to spend the rest of my life answering questions from the press about false rumors. We don't have a problem. We're fine, cash-flow-wise. Our partnership relationship is as good, if not better, than it's ever been." - Devil Rays owner Vince Naimoli.
   
• "There is no truth to that whatsoever. I don't know where they got that report...I've talked to (owner) Mike Ilitch today. He doesn't know where it came from." - Tigers president Dave Dombrowski.
   
• "We have taken care of our business, and I'm appalled that our organization continues to be mentioned when financial inquiries arise." - D-Backs owner Jerry Colangelo.

To sum up: even the owners say Bud is lying. (Conveniently, the cash-strapped team has "made arrangements" to meet its payroll. Presumably we can figure out which team it was by looking up the customer ledger of the Chek-X-Press.)

Then again, maybe I'll be shown up when a team actually does go bankrupt. I'm not holding my breath though, because the thought of a judge ordering the club to open its books would make Selig swallow his tongue.

The Answer: When I left you on Thursday, we were wading through a slough of columnists and talking heads, every one with their own personal solution so that the "All-Star fiasco" will never happen again. Unfortunately, every idea seems to begin with, "fans don't really care if their hometown player gets in the game or not." I challenge any sportswriter to prove that statement to be anything other than unsupported conjecture, and incorrect unsupported conjecture at that.

It's well and fine to say you'll keep a handful of players on the bench in case of extra innings, but how many, and who? And what if they get all used up? Here's where we get to My Two Cents:

Expand rosters to 35. Three pitchers and three position players, all from teams who have another player on the roster, will only play in case of extra innings. Then, make a rule specific to the All-Star Game declaring that the contest will end after a certain number of innings, no matter what the score.

You can't have one without the other. Let's face it, whether sportswriters like it or not, you've got to use most of your roster during the game. That's why they're there, regardless of whether Digby McCall pitched a complete game in 1943 (don't go looking that up, now). Whether Peter Gammons thinks so or not, television coverage has changed the way the All-Star Game must be managed, for better or worse. Looking at last week's ratings, MLB ought to be cooperating all they can. (If that includes eliminating the hour-long MasterCard pregame show, so much the better.)

Expanding the rosters takes care of two problems: what to do in extra innings, and the gyrations managers have to go through in order to pick one player from every team. Because the managers know the nature of their six-man "overtime squad," the "extras" will include either middle relievers or starters on full rest. Substitute yourself crazy with the other 29.

The game-ending rule would allow a 13-or-14-inning tilt, which ought to suffice for that once-per-century occurrence of a 14-inning tie. (In the history of the All-Star Game, there has been exactly one 15-inning contest, the 1967 match in Anaheim.) If the game ends in a tie, an MVP from each league will be announced. Fans would know ahead of time, taking away any excuse for kvetching about how they paid soooo much for a ticket, now the bookie's going to come and break their knuckles, etc. etc.

And one last follow-up. A note to the fan with the "Ties are for hockey" sign we've seen on every news program in Western civilization: You may want to consider the purchase of an official rulebook.

From The Ted Williams Desk: Please don't make me write about this. It's bad enough that folks now have the mental picture of the Splendid Splinter sitting between a frozen Walt Disney and the space Michael Jackson has undoubtedly reserved for himself and Bubbles. Let the courts order that Williams' will be done, and leave us out of it. I'm siding with youngest sibling Claudia Williams, who wrote an impassioned plea begging the media to leave her dysfunctional family alone.

Of course, this is the kind of thing the New York Post lives for (well, that and branding George Michael "un-American"), so don't expect common decency to stand in its way.

Nelson, We Hardly Knew Ye: Baseball suffered another fatality on Sunday, when Mexican League career home run and RBI leader Nelson "The Admiral'' Barrera died at the age of 44. Barrera, who most recently was player-manager of the Campeche Pirates and had not officially retired, was attempting to free a piece of metal roofing from a high tension power line when he was electrocuted. Condolences to his family.

about the author

Michael Cox is looking into suing Anastasia for mangling "The Star-Spangled Banner" at the Midsummer Classic. Suggest class-action status at mc@strikethree.com.