Baseballhead:
Breakin' Too

Michael Cox

Happy All-Star Break, my adoring Baseballheadeers! Unfortunately, it's already apparent that there's a dark undertone to this year's break -- not only have very few baseball fans made the trip here to South Padre Island, but apparently MTV isn't even going to be sponsoring any concerts or bikini contests.

The fine people of Milwaukee are finding that the break isn't treating them as well as expected either, with the projected starters for both leagues declaring they'd rather rest than make the trip. Not only will you not see a rematch of last year's Randy Johnson-Ichiro Suzuki footrace, or the mastery of Pedro Martinez, but you will also notice that they won't be lambasted by the press the way non-pitching starters have been.

When Ken Griffey decided a few years back that a wee-hours cross-country flight after an ESPN Sunday night game left him with too little sleep to participate in the Home Run Derby, sportswriters went ballistic. He was called, to be exact, a "punk" and a "jerk." After all, he had a responsibility! (Unspoken was that his primary responsibility was to ESPN's coverage of the event). Heavyweights were dispatched to talk Junior into performing his duty. The universe was rescued from the brink of disorder.

This year, Johnson, Martinez, and Tom Glavine have all opted out of the big game itself, with "rest" the primary motivation, and...nothing. Why? They're pitchers, and everyone knows when a pitcher declines, he's doing it to help his team, dammit! To position players, on the other hand, "rest" is actually code for "I hope the fans rot in hell while I sip cosmopolitans at Morton's."

Moving to the actual All-Star-related festivities, Sunday's Futures Game was a rather lopsided contest won by the World team (aka "Guys Who Have Played Baseball All Their Lives") over Team USA (aka "The High School Multi-Sport Athletes Who Saw The Best Career Path In Baseball"). Mets SS prospect Jose Reyes took the MVP trophy, and if he can hit even a lick at the major-league level they may soon be welcoming Rey Ordonez to Kauffman Stadium.

Despite the USA loss, MLB.com drooled over Drew Henson as the "grand old man" of the minor-league all-star contest, while neglecting to mention that Wily Mo Pena has played in as many of them as Henson. In fact, I'd rather mention Wily Mo Pena, not because he's especially good, but because his damn name is Wily Mo Pena.

The Celebrity Softball Game also took place Sunday, with its usual suspects (Meat Loaf should qualify for a players' union pension by now) and mandatory sponsor representatives (Radio Shack people: next time, instead of Howie Long, send Teri Hatcher). I have no idea who won, because I was both surprised that Gorman Thomas was still alive and amazed that Rick Reilly wasn't following Long around with a specimen cup.

Unprofessional? Oh, Reilly! Turning to the latest antics of SI columnist Reilly, I was mildly amused when I read that he ambushed Sammy Sosa with the idea of getting Sosa tested for steroids, and tested now. Then, when I heard Sosa cursed Reilly for it, I practically cheered, because Sosa seemed to understand what was going on: Reilly was not attempting to get a story, he was attempting to be the story.

The mild-mannered reporter even had a rationale for making the move in the first place: Sammy was one of the players who said they'd be happy to be tested if the union and MLB agree to test, therefore he was fair game. (We're still waiting to see what reception Reilly gets in the Yankee locker room, where Derek Jeter and Jason Giambi have made similar statements. I'm betting it involves broken bones.)

So Reilly writes his article, the main gist of which is "'The Life of Reilly,' appearing weekly in Sports Illustrated, at a newsstand near you." While he approached Sosa with "plenty of people wonder..." the column reveals that, weak denials aside, "plenty of people" is actually chickens**t for "I." Exaggerating Sosa's current listed weight (officially it's 220, Reilly sez it's 230) Reilly neglects to inform readers that while Sosa was skinny with Texas (165 -- quite underweight for a six-foot athlete) he was also only 20 years old. Our crack (no pun intended, honest) reporter has a snappy comeback for Sosa's explanation that he had chronic wisdom tooth pain that kept him from eating right as a teen until the Rangers doctor fixed it in 1989: "What'd he eat, Fort Worth?" Oh, Rick, you slay me.

That was that, right? Wrong-o. In an appearance on the Dan Patrick Show, Reilly (sounding like he had been sharing some of Jay and Silent Bob's stash) apparently was unaware that his voice was actually being broadcast, as he began making the kind of mean-spirited comments that are usually kept to hotel bars. "He asked me if I was his father...it sounds like he has a whole paternal thing going on." (Sosa said, "What are you, my father?") "I didn't think he'd be a Barry Bonds starter kit." (You see, Reilly really, really dislikes Bonds because Bonds won't give him an interview.) Then the kicker: "I've been in enough therapy to realize, you start off with anger, it's hiding something scary." (So much for "some people...")

All in all, Reilly's behavior, his entire rationale in pursuing this attention-grabbing stunt, is obviously unprofessional, but sadly, very understandable. I'll give Reilly credit for intelligence -- he knew what the result would be, and he probably had most of his column written before he even spoke to Sammy Sosa -- he was highly successful at generating the desired controversy. However, I suggest he consider a new career path where his style of journalism might work better: the TV show "Crank Yankers."

From the Ineffectual Boycotts Desk: Mark your calendars: the next scheduled "fan action" will take place on July 11, when we will all boycott MLB for one day. Or is it July 11-14? How about that "Million Fan March" on July 4 -- you walked out of a game like you were supposed to, right? And did you do the organized Expos-and-Twins-only voting you were supposed to do for the All-Star Game?

Forget the fact that the boycotts would require people to eat the tickets they've already purchased, that people would actually have to watch a Twin-Expo All-Star Game, or that with even reasonable participation none of these events would stop Bud Selig from continuing to think he's actually the sport's only hope. The biggest stumbling block to mounting a large-scale fan protest is that everyone seems to want to do the organizing. Actually forming one group with a unified purpose and a large number of volunteers apparently wouldn't work because then someone wouldn't get his name in the papers.

So what we get are several different groups all claiming to be the "official fans union" (exactly who sanctions fans unions anyway?) and promoting their own boycotts or other "messages to baseball." But what hope can we hold out for "the common fan" when nobody wants to be "the common fan"?

Bumper Sticker Seen in Detroit: "I helped the Yankees win another pennant, and all I got was this stupid first baseman."

about the author

Michael Cox would be willing to be called "the common fan" if he could also put the word "zany" between "common" and "fan." Suggest that the bleachers are no place for hijinks at mc@strikethree.com.