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Michael Cox

Welcome to a slightly injury-truncated version of Baseballhead, where my sprained right hand has suddenly become small potatoes next to the loss of one of baseball's nice guys, Darryl Kile. My condolences go to his family and friends, and to hear it told, he had a lot of friends.

Thanks to Jason Michael Barker for handling the Rob Dibble and John Burkett topics in my absence last week. Suffice to say that I won't be holding my breath for an All-Star boycott until Melvin Mora and David Bell sign on, and that's about as likely as Dibble making good on his Ichiro vow from last season.

This Just In: For the past two weeks, every single day my wire service has e-mailed me a prompt, detailed account the very moment Luis Castillo made a hit that furthered his impressive, yet not-really-close-to-record-bound streak. These urgent, yet lovingly embellished bulletins began sometime around hit number 27, about two weeks before I really needed to know.

On Saturday, however, I dutifully opened my "breaking news" message to find only the following terse prose:

Luis Castillo failed to get a hit Saturday, ending his streak at 35 games.

Sadly, the only real surprise was that Bulletin Man didn't refer to Castillo as "what's-his-name."

Leave The Driving To Barry: Everyone's favorite all-time single-season home-run king has been using his media spotlight as a bully pulpit in recent weeks. First decrying the lack of "protection" he's getting from his own team when he gets brushed back by opposing pitchers, Bonds then declared that fans wouldn't really give a rip whether the players go on strike or not.

The former was graphically illustrated when in the Giants' interleague series in Yankee Stadium, no less than Roger "No Repercussions" Clemens said he'd hit Bonds on the elbow armor, then did. Adding insult to lack of injury was the subsequent verdict from MLB discipline officer Bob "Hang 'Em High" Watson that no punishment was warranted. It might be the first Watson verdict I agree with.

As for the potential fan reaction to a player walkout, Bonds told the Washington Post the potential walkout was a fight for "equality and rights" and "your kids," then adding, "A lot of companies go on strike, not just baseball. And people still ride the bus."

Revealed here for the first time is the next part of Bonds' rant: "Fluffy seagulls stand in phone booths. Give the melon your seat." At least, I think that's what it says here...

Now, Jolt Stadium Would Be A Different Story: For some reason, I can't get over the redubbing of the Astros' ballyard as Minute Maid Park. Maybe I could if it wasn't for the additional cheese (so to speak) of the load of oranges now carried by the "Home Run Train." The mind boggles:

(Scene: The office of Astros owner Drayton McLane)

McLane: (Sobbing as he holds his head in his hands, a la a character from "The Sims") Woe! Woe! I wish I'd never fired Dierker. Someday they'll cure this damn Tourette's.

(Intercom buzzer sounds)

Secretary, er, Executive Assistant: Mr. McLane, some people from the Coca-Cola Co. are here.

McLane: Woo-hoo! Show 'em in!

(Execs enter)

Exec #1: Mr. McLane, we understand that the naming rights to your ballpark are up for grabs. The Coca-Cola Co. would like to make you an offer.

McLane: I told those guys from The Onion that they wouldn't be the only ones to bid. Forty bucks, my ass.

Exec #2: Ahem.

McLane: Sorry.

Exec #1: Sir, we're willing to bail you out.

McLane: Oh, this is big-time! A manly beverage for a manly team! What'll it be? Coke Field?

Exec #2: No. The folks in Atlanta would get angry. Also the DEA.

McLane: Sprite Grounds?

Exec #2: Sorry. NBA exclusivity, you understand.

McLane: Uh,...er,...Mr. Pibb Stadium?

Exec #1: Minute Maid Park.

McLane: Minute...(ulp)...Maid...

Exec #2: Our intelligence says you don't have much choice.

McLane: D'oh.

Exec #1: Wait, it gets even better. You know that train that runs after home runs? We demand you put oranges on it.

Exec #2: And when the Commissioner orders your team to play "God Bless America" during the seventh-inning stretch, you must use this rendition by Anita Bryant.

McLane: Eh, but...but...

Exec #1: And on the inside of the roof you must paint "Tropicana sucks."

McLane: I feel faint.

From the Times Have Been Forced To Change Desk: During the seventh-inning stretch of the Cards' game Wednesday, they played a video of the late Jack Buck wearing a Cubs cap and singing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at Wrigley Field. Of course, there should be nothing odd or ironic about that, because thanks to Bud Selig we all know St. Louis' "natural rivalry" is with the Royals...

One Consulting Firm I'll Never Call: Making excuses for the NBA Finals' low ratings, Brad Adgate, senior VP of research for consulting firm Horizon Media, blamed them on "one of the most incredible glut of sports events in a short period that I've ever witnessed," listing the Tyson-Lewis fight, Belmont Stakes, Stanley Cup finals, World Cup, NASCAR, and MLB interleague play.

Unfortunately, Adgate neglected to, er, research the fact that the Belmont, Stanley Cup and NASCAR events occur every year at the exact same time, the hockey games purposely never conflict with NBA game nights, the World Cup games occurred in the wee hours of the morning, and the fight took place on an NBA off night.

That leaves interleague play as the only out-of-the-ordinary reason for the Lakers' and Nets' low ratings. Maybe Selig should schedule Brewers-A's and Rockies-Red Sox series more often.

about the author

As a stopgap measure until his hand healed, Michael Cox attempted to train his cat to take dictation, but in the end all he got was a completely shredded notebook. Suggest spider monkey interns like Selig uses at mc@strikethree.com.