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Michael Cox

Here at Baseballhead Labs, we're constantly experimenting with new formats we feel will "please" our "audience." We begin with extensive testing on small rodents, then work up to street people strapped into chairs like in A Clockwork Orange. Finally, we debut the format for you, the general citizenry.

This week, we're testing a concept first pioneered by sportswriters unable to create a full coherent paragraph: the "point-form" column. We hope you like it, keeping in mind that 68% of fans just like you approved of the format in a recent Gallup poll.

• In case you've been in a cave all weekend, on Saturday Red Sox starter/"demoted" closer Derek Lowe tossed the first no-hitter in Fenway Park since 1965. Many Sox fans were surprised to find out that Lowe's first name was actually not "F#%$ing."

• In Lowe's five starts this season, he's averaging only three hits per start, including seven innings of one-hit ball on April 5, indicating that he's stolen Pedro's mojo.

• A fortuitous move on Saturday was new manager Grady Little's start of Rickey Henderson in center field -- the first time Henderson has played the position since last century. He not only hit the winning homer off Devil Rays starter Devlin James' second pitch of the game, but also made a great ninth-inning catch of a Felix Escalona fly ball that looked like it would fall. Rickey was unable for interviews afterward due to a date with an entire barrel of Ben-Gay.

• Keeping in mind that I have not been present for the post-game portion of many no-hitters, I can't say I can recall any other winning pitcher being forced to speak to the crowd immediately afterward. Hadn't the man done enough?

• In an amazing demonstration of the East coast's tremendous respect for the Red Sox, Saturday evening's Baseball Tonight led off with highlights of Ted Lilly's one-hit loss to the Mariners. This indicates that ESPN either believes more Yankee fans tune in to BBTN, or that more people tune in to see the Yankees lose.

• The Lilly loss should send a strong message to those Little Leaguers out there: walks are people too.

• There's something about the first games of the Yankees-Mariners regular-season series that turns the New York press into witless dullards, printing leads like "Yankees still better than Mariners six months later" upon the first Yankee victory, only to backtrack into "Both teams acknowledge that regular-season games mean little" after the Mariners win said season series, as they have five of the last seven years.

• Perhaps the New York press are just always witless dullards. I'll have to think on that one.

• Seeing the Yankees up close for the first time in 2002 reminded me why I'd choose the Mets if I lived in New York: Hitters spending inordinate amounts of time out of the batter's box. No close call unquestioned. Pitchers who appear to grow moss as you watch. I can feel minutes of my life draining away -- minutes I'll never get back -- each time Bernie Williams "gathers his thoughts" between pitches. You want a way to shorten the average MLB game time? Contract the Yankees.

• You can't argue with the Yanks' results, though. I'm beginning to believe the secret to their success is opponent boredom. Think about it -- who's the only team more boring than the Yankees? That's right, the Diamondbacks. Too much coffee before bedtime? Just watch a Tony Womack at-bat. If the D-Backs can just work on slowing Randy Johnson down, we're talking dynasty.

• Okay, then there're the Cards, led by the human time-out, Tony La Russa. However, I believe their lack of playoff success is karmic payback for Fernando Vina's rulebreaking. If the umps won't call it, the cosmos will.

• Returning to the weekend for a moment, it's suddenly all the rage to declare "the return of pitching." Main problem with that: no good reason why we're returning to pitching. At least not this fast.

• Actually, I have a couple of good theories regarding the eventual evening-out of the eternal batter-pitcher struggle. One is that pitchers are wising up. Hitters are working harder than ever, and pitchers have lagged. Now more pitchers may be carefully watching current tapes of upcoming teams, looking for (and finding) flaws and weaknesses. They may even be keeping track of plate umpiring tendencies, which may be as important as scouting reports on batters. "Hmmm...Angel Hernandez....strike zone the shape of Alaska..."

• Also, the strike zone seems bigger this season -- and I'm not talking about the "high strike" that umps stopped calling halfway through last season. I'm talking about the inside strike. And it makes sense: when Selig wants a rule enforced, it chaps the umps' britches. Now that MLB is so concerned with pitchers throwing inside, perhaps it's the arbiters' cue to actually plump the zone in towards the hitter.

• Glancing at game highlights recently, I noticed what looked like Kirby Puckett back from retirement and in uniform as an Astro, apparently earning that extra cash he'll need for his divorce settlement. Looking closer, it was only Daryle Ward.

• And speaking of large fellows, my take on the Yankees' acquisition of Ron Coomer is that David Wells needed a personal trainer. Oh, you laugh now, but wait until Derek Jeter comes into spring training looking like Dante Bichette.

• Of course, many Yankee fans have no idea what I'm talking about, because Steinbrenner's YES Network and Cablevision can't agree on whether all cable subscribers should pay for Yankee games, or just the people who actually watch them. Of course, the Yankees have been counting on the former, because given the choice of the $8-$12 per fan per season it would cost for the latter, most fans would apparently rather move to New Jersey to get the south-facing view they require for DirecTV access.

• The group of fans who were suing both YES and Cablevision to force an agreement have decided to drop Steinbrenner's network as defendants, possibly because he offered them free Red Sox series tickets. We expect that Cablevision will be off the hook after they offer three WWF pay-per-views.

• C'mon: a Bernie Williams at-bat or Stone Cold Steve Austin? There's no contest.

about the author

Michael Cox is just one of the millions of people who claim never to watch the WWF. Explain that you have no idea who this "Stone Cold Steve Austin" is, and won't until he appears on Charlie Rose, at mc@strikethree.com.