Baseballhead:
Balls, I Say

Michael Cox

Happy tax day, fellow Americans! Yes, it's Baseballhead, where we initially wondered what was going through ESPN's mind with their "Action Sports & Music Awards," considering MTV gave up on that particular "synergy" about five years ago. We now believe it's because ESPN knows that rock stars always show up with attractive women.

Speaking of ill-timed moves, a big Nelson Muntz "ha-ha" goes out to Charles Murphy, the man who caught Barry Bonds' record-tying 70th home run last season. Murphy rejected an immediate $100,000 offer for the ball, calling the bid "ridiculous." Last week Murphy's ball sold for $52,500.

Turning down the initial offer isn't the only mistake Muntz made on his way to rich...er, pocket change. He made his second mistake when he decided to forego a traditional auction for that hot new Internet thingamabob. Simply everyone's doing it, you know.

Unfortunately, a quick look shows that big-money bidders are the few who aren't doing it. Ebay's online sale of Mark McGwire's then-record 70th home run was terminated and turned over to live bidding after only drawing $250,000 in online interest. As we all know, the physical auction brought in over $3 million with Spawn creator Todd MacFarlane making the winning bid.

Several more of McGwire and Sosa's home run balls, and most embarrassingly for Ebay, Hank Aaron's 755th and final homer, were also withdrawn from online sale after not even reaching the minimum bid. Most of those balls were later sold live, primarily to MacFarlane.

But Murphy didn't even go with market leader Ebay, instead opting for the downright obscure MastroNet, presumably because he didn't want to mingle with the hoi polloi selling Luis Gonzalez's ABC gum.

Then there's the matter of the ball itself. While the record-setting 73rd homer may well be worth valuable coin (thus the current protracted court battle), that 1999 auction should have warned Murphy that a record-tying ball is the equivalent of a vacant lot -- a guy really would prefer something with a house. While Mac's 62nd went directly to the Hall, his 67th and 68th each sold for a low $57,500 (yep -- MacFarlane).

Had he been armed this information, Murphy would likely have still considered the $100,000 ridiculous, as in ridiculously generous. As it stands now, I could sell my LP collection for more than he got for that historic baseball.

But we'll leave the final word to Murphy, who concluded his 15 minutes of obscurity on a patriotic note: "There are millions, maybe even billions, of people who would be delighted to pay American income tax, and I'm one of those people." Considering he just had $52,500 in capital gains, I can't help but wonder what he means by "would be delighted."

In other trends... The Indians are off to a historic start -- an unprecedented (for them) 11-1 as of Sunday. I would be impressed, had their opponents not been, in order, Anaheim, Detroit, Minnesota, and Kansas City. The Tribe could have even avoided the loss by playing all 12 games in their own division. Chalk up one team's vote for the unbalanced schedule.

On the flipside, the Tigers are winless, and owner Mike Illitch finally got wise last week and axed GM Randy Smith, who managed the difficult task of depleting the team's farm system while failing to improve the major-league club. However, Illitch (aided and abetted by team president and new GM Dave Dombrowski) appeared to toss out the baby with the bathwater by also chucking manager Phil Garner.

But Dombrowski soon showed again that he was no idiot by hiring Felipe Alou. The former Expo skipper agreed only to act as bench coach under new manager Luis Pujols, but anyone who doesn't believe that Alou will eventually take the reins is, well,...I don't think anyone doesn't believe that. Add to this the fact that Dombrowski, Pujols and Alou all previously worked together in Montreal and you have your veritable military junta.

The second-most inept team in MLB is in Milwaukee, where the fans have responded in kind after last year's profit-taking debacle of a season. Selig family take note: when your season ticket base declines in a year when you're offering them first dibs on All-Star Game tickets, you really have a problem.

Team president Wendy Selig-Prieb responded to the decline with apparently genetically-coded ignorance: "I looked back in 2000, which was the final year of County Stadium, in games two and three, we drew 7,000 fans. We need to remember that perspective." Not mentioned was the probability that if ownership refuses to expand their payroll to match their MLB-leading revenues, they'll get there again.

No, Milwaukeeans know when they're being used, and they satisfied their curiosity about Miller Park last season ("Hey, Ethel! That roof squeaks when it moves!"). This year the team may have to depend on All-Star Week tourists to fill their park for the Midsummer Classic, which is even more ironic considering their primary owner used his position as commissioner to give the game to Milwaukee in the first place.

Moving to the injury front, the Mariners were dealt an early blow when Edgar Martinez (who also goes by the name, "Greatest DH Of All Time") went down with a ruptured tendon behind his left knee last week. Martinez underwent surgery to remove the tendon entirely, and could take anywhere from four weeks to a few months to heal and return (it's a relatively new surgery, so the physicians apparently estimate recovery time by watching reruns of Chicago Hope).

More than one scribe has since expressed exasperation that Lou Piniella chose to keep Martinez in a game that the Mariners led by four runs. The irony is that some of these same reporters took managers like Davey Lopes to task last year for believing in the "unwritten rule" that a team with a four-run lead should stop trying so hard.

Simply put, if Edgar Martinez has such fragility issues that he can't play the game like everyone else for fear that he may do himself an injury while performing an ordinary and usual task like running to first base, Seattle should retire his jersey and make him the hitting coach. Build him a statue outside the gates of Safeco Field. Let Joe Morgan start lobbying the Veterans' Committee to get him into the Hall of Fame (the writers won't do it, mostly on the basis of Kevin Costner's speech in Bull Durham).

Piniella long ago all but forbade Martinez to play in the field -- despite the fact that the only injury he ever suffered while playing defense was the result of a freak accident -- which is partially to blame for the Mariners' poor interleague record. "Sweet" Lou doesn't need any more ideas inserted into his head. Okay, maybe the idea that young players can contribute too, but that's about it.

Down I-5 a stretch, Kevin Brown pulled up lame after throwing a pitch on Saturday night, leading every single reporter and wire service to conclusively opine that he had re-injured his groin. Later, Jay Leno had to rewrite his groin jokes when Brown let it be known that it was actually his elbow causing him pain. Unfortunately, since he doesn't pitch with his groin (at least not in the videotape I've seen), that's even worse.

While doctors suggest the pain might be scar tissue from last year's elbow surgery, a full evaluation is still to come. I suggest maybe they should have a look at his groin while they're at it.

about the author

Michael Cox was excited to stumble upon a rerun of "Road Warrior" the other night, until he noticed that everyone was on boats. Break it to him gently that that wasn't Mel Gibson, it was Kevin Costner, at mc@strikethree.com.