Baseballhead:
I Believe

Michael Cox

Well, lookee here, it's Baseballhead, where we ask the musical question: What's worse than shirtless fat guys? Shirtless fat guys with "GoldenPalace.com" tattoos on their chests. Mark my words, it's only a matter of time.

You'll have to excuse any rambling I may do in this column. Mind you, celebrating St. Paddy's alone would be reason in itself (Me: "I'm Irish!" People: "Suuuure." Me: "No, honestly! Both sides of my family! Look at this nose! If that's not an Irish nose, I don't know what is!" People: "Suuuure.") But on top of that was perhaps the film connoisseur's event of the year: USA Network's special presentation of Big Daddy, uncut and with "limited commercial interruption"! Move over, AMC!

Speaking of movies, I recently picked up my very own copy of Bull Durham, which is of course not only the finest baseball film ever made, but also the apex from which it was all downhill for Kevin Costner. One of the most-quoted highlights of this feature is Crash Davis' stated belief system, which not only includes the admirable thought that Congress should work on banning Astroturf, but also the notion that Oswald acted alone, an idea Costner himself would spend way too much screen time trying to disprove in JFK.

Anyway, it got me thinking about the beliefs I hold dear. Of course, many of them involve such unrelated-to-baseball things as red-hot pokers and Enron executives, but others are suitable for this page (not to mention a family audience):

- I believe that vendors outside the ballpark offer higher-quality food at a more reasonable price.

- I believe that vendors outside the ballpark offer really crappy-ass t-shirts, especially the guys selling 'em straight out of the cardboard box.

- I believe Fenway Franks should be sealed in a time capsule to be opened in the year 3002. Maybe by then someone will have figured out a use for them that does not involve human consumption.

- I believe frosted malts and coffee are the best ballpark food values. I also believe that's not saying much.

- I believe the Twins should be commended for their dollar hot dog nights, as long as they're not importing Fenway Franks.

- I believe I'm really craving a grilled Dodger Dog about now.

- I believe everyone should see at least one game at Kauffman Stadium, although preferably not one involving the current Royals.

- I believe players are paid what they're worth. Well, except for Derek Bell. And Tony Womack. And Rey Ordoñez. And Rheal Cormier. And...

- I believe there should be a section in every ballpark explicitly for rowdy drunk fans. Enclose it in plexiglas Make ticketholders sign an injury waiver, Lock them in until they've slept it off and can drive safely, if that's what it takes. Just do it.

- I believe the Yankees already have such a section. It's called "Yankee Stadium."

- I believe that fans in Atlanta are spoiled, but it's nothing that couldn't be fixed by swapping teams with Pittsburgh.

- I believe that folks in the East Bay area should get out and watch the A's before they either start sucking again or leave town entirely. I mean, it's not like you can get Giants tickets.

- I believe there should be a national ID card. That way we can ban for life anyone sitting behind home plate who waves at the TV camera while talking on a cell phone.

- I believe that cutting off the hands of just one fan who interferes with a ball in play would serve as an effective deterrent for years thereafter.

- I believe teams should install voice-activated high-energy lasers, triggered by the phrase "Guess where I'm calling from?"

- I believe that The Wave disrupts pitchers, and will begin collecting data to prove it.

- I believe plate umpires for Cardinals games should practice the phrase, "Get back in the batter's box, Viña."

- I believe the Selig family is just one step away from releasing the entire Brewers roster, suiting up distant relatives as players, and then raising ticket prices.

- I believe absolutely nothing that comes out of Bud Selig's mouth. Not even "I'm Bud Selig."

Barney Revisited: With two weeks to go until opening day, we're hitting the meat of spring training: when the last prospects are finally sent off to the minor-league camp so the regulars can get their work in. For Carl Everett, it meant actually stepping onto the playing field.

Despite the fact that the team still isn't even letting him run the bases in a game situation, Everett is proclaiming himself available for the April 1 lineup. In addition, the Rangers are taking every opportunity to tell the press how much they love him. I for one am not buying it until I see a hug.

Beane Revised: The A's, scared to the point of soiled trousers that GM Billy Beane was considering jumping ship for Boston, hastily granted Beane not only a contract extension until the year 2008, but a "restructuring" of his current deal. Smart money says that the "restructuring" involved adding support trusses to bear the weight of heaping sums of cash.

After hearing of the move, Red Sox owner John Henry reportedly replied, "D'oh." Count on the A's ownership demanding a tidy sum to "trade" Beane if the team's fortunes (or the team itself) go south.

Belligerence Rebuked: New punishment czar (that's not his actual title, I just like saying "punishment czar") Bob Watson recently handed out suspensions for the March 9 Angels-Padres dust-up. Penalties, all to be served during the regular season, include a seven-game suspension for Pads pitcher Bobby Jones, six games off for Angel IF Scott Spiezio, and five for San Diego OF Ryan Klesko.

Unsuspended (but fined) was Anaheim starter Aaron Sele, whose inside pitch started the whole brouhaha. This column sees the move as an improvement over the policies of former punishment czar Frank Robinson, who would likely have given Sele ten games even if he hadn't hit Klesko. Instead, the players who most willingly jumped off the bench and into the fray were penalized, as was Jones for openly retaliating by throwing at Troy Glaus' head.

Of course, not everyone saw it that way. "I can't figure out the whole thing ... It's a classic case of having people in charge who haven't played the game, or if they have played the game, they've forgotten what it's like to play the game," Phil Nevin (fined, not suspended) wailed, apparently remembering Watson's 19 big-league seasons mid-sentence.

about the author

Michael Cox would like to be the next MLB punishment czar. Explain that he can't suspend Brian Hunter for sucking at mc@strikethree.com.